Thursday, 28 July 2011

All the wine is all for me.

When I get nervous, I do this:

Naw, just kidding. Truth is, I can't even remember the last time I was for real nervous, not when I interviewed for jobs after graduation, not when I took the bar, not when I started law school, not the last time I went on any first dates however long ago that was. I don't get nervous on planes, I don't get nervous on trains, I don't get nervous in automobiles. Public speaking's a breeze and so is just about everything really, especially when you don't give a crap what people think about you. So what's left to be nervous about?

Completely inconsequential stuff, that's what. Like sports. I get very, very nervous on behalf of athletes. And when I get nervous very, very nervous on behalf of athletes, I drink a beer. And then another beer. And then I end up doing this:

Or this even:

Who is this? I HAVE NO IDEA!

I also get nervous for fictional characters. Whether they be on screen or in print, I get very, very nervous for them. And when I get very, very nervous for them, I make a cocktail. And then another cocktail.

And then I pass out on the couch and miss the end of whatever it was I was watching/reading.

That seems to take care of the nerves.


Jennie said...

I tried that counting thing and it didn't work for me. I'd get to like three and think, "OMG I'M NOT RELAXED YET AND I'M ALMOST TO FIVE WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?!"

I have problems.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Exactly the same. Doing stuff involving people and responsibility and talking? Easy. Reading and watching Game of Thrones? A hellish nightmare of being pissed off and nervous and angry and holy shit, I want to kill Joffrey and his blonde whore of a mom.

kat said...

Joffrey is SUCH A DOUCHE.

eclectic said...

Because sports matter, that's why. They DO! And someone had better sue the pants off the Mariners for negligent homicide on my behalf because they are making me a freaking nervous wreck. KILLING me, I say.