Thursday, 23 September 2010

and I know, that I am, I am, I am the luckiest

Jennie Have you guys ever heard of FutureMe? I don't remember where I ran across it in my journeys through the interweb, but I discovered it a few years ago and it's one of the best things the internet has ever given me. (Other best things: The Collective, you all, Joe, etc.)

I write my future self a letter on every birthday, to be delivered the next year. And I always forget that I've done this. Even though I've been doing it for at least three years now. It's seriously the best present ever, especially for someone who was so intrigued by time capsules as a kid. So, my birthday comes along, I get a letter from the year before, and then I write a new one. I also include the previous year's letter in the new letter, so it's like a time capsule within a time capsule and HOLY HELL is that ever magical.

I'm writing this post on September 10th, to be posted on the 23rd. I'm writing it so early not because I'm one of those annoying do-things-early-go-getters, OH NO. In fact, I am quite the opposite. But on September 23rd I will be on my honeymoon, after marrying my best friend five days prior. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? It's getting all time-bendy up in here! It's like Back to the Future! Or a really confusing episode of Lost! I'd call Faraday, but he'd probably just want to blow up a hydrogen bomb and last time that happened, Juliet died, so FUCK THAT.

Ahem. Anyway. My point is, I am basically writing to my future self right now, even if my future self is only two weeks older than my present self. So.

Dear Future Jennie,

Right now you are probably sitting in the sun, enjoying a cocktail (or two or three or four), talking to your new husband. Husband? You? Really? I hope you realize just how far you've come in the past five or so years. You used to be a non-feeling, robot-y commitment-phobe who swore she'd never get married, who complained about having to attend weddings, who never once got teary-eyed at the ceremonies, and who only made it through the receptions because of a little something called an open bar.

I hope you enjoyed your wedding. And I hope you remembered to thank everyone who needed thanking (read: everyone) and took some time to realize how special it was that all of your dearest people were in the same place all at once. I hope you and Joe had at least a moment or two away from the craziness of the day, to slooooow things down and let the fact that YOU'RE MARRIED sink in. I hope you were patient with everyone. I know you have the tendency to brush off excitement or, in other words, to be a cynical asshole, but I hope you reeled that in just for that one day. I hope you laughed a lot and remembered to eat. I hope everyone had fun with the fake mustaches. I hope you got to play Twister at the reception and that someone got a picture of it.

Most of all, I hope you took the time to thank your lucky stars. For finding someone you love with your whole self and who loves you just the same, even when you are at your most annoying, like when you sing the same line of one song for twenty minutes straight, or when you leave your shoes all over the house, or when you crack yourself up saying "poop" and "butt" in various combinations OVER AND OVER. You lucky, lucky bitch.



Friday, 10 September 2010

Your turn: To Jennie and Joe, just as they are!

So we've had our say; now you have yours. All your warmest well-wishes and heartfelt/smartass toasts in the comments for Jennie and Joe's wedding.

We'll be taking the week off next week for wedding travel, but we'll be back on the 20th!

Thursday, 9 September 2010

You might be the sweet delightful.

You guys! Well, Jennie and Joe! I made you a cookie but I eated it.

made you a cookie

Actually, no. I made you a mix tape. Except it’s not on tape and it’s composed entirely of YouTube videos so Jennie can’t watch them at work.

[insert evil cackle here]

Also, I don’t know any love songs because I only listen to moody indie rock music, so... this turned out to not be the greatest idea in the world. OH WELL, THIS IS HOW I CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE.

Thank you for including me in your special day.

I can’t wait to drink your alcohol.

I love you guys.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

This is what a toast is, right?

Jennie and Joe went up the hill
To fetch a marriage license
Joe came down, much faster cause his legs
Are twice as long.

Walk, walk, walk the walk
Gently down the aisle
Marry, marry, marry, marry
Go get wed in style.

Joe be nimble,
Joe be quick,
Joe may kiss the bride.

Jennie, Jennie, quite contrary,
How does your day unfold?
With sweet kisses, and new Mrs.
And pretty maids all in a row.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I can't wait to get to Ohio
and see your wedding too.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

To Jennie! and Joe!


Our beloved Jennie! and her beloved Joe! are getting married next weekend and so this week we offer up our very own toasts for the happy couple (since they know us well enough not to let us do it out loud at the actual wedding). Having waxed lyrical about them more times than I can count (second only to my effusive praise of Harry Potter), I thought it would be most appropriate to let eHow tell me how to do it properly.

How to Write and Give a Great Wedding toast

If you are not known to 50 percent of the assembled group, plan to briefly identify yourself and your relationship to the couple before you launch into the toast.

Hi, I'm Heather! Anne! from where the hillbillies live. (Just in case you couldn't place my accent.) I've known Jennie through several incarnations of both of our blogs and I've known Joe since the first time I swooned over him when he commented on The Collective.

Then start the wedding toast off by offering a remark about the wonderful/touching/elegant/memorable/unique (or fill in your own adjective) ceremony you have all witnessed.

I haven't yet witnessed your wedding, but I've been privy to many details via secret Collective communication devices, and dudes, it is going to be flipping AWESOME. Totally worthy of your deep, abiding love and double whimsicality!

Well before the wedding ceremony, write down your thoughts about the couple. What have people who love them said about their match? What occurs to you about their union? Do they have shared interests or passions?

I have written down my thoughts about you as a couple. Here they are:

Jennie and Joe are that rare kind of magic that is awesome by itself, but somehow even more powerful when combined with the other. Like, if Jennie and Joe went to Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat would have to create a new house just to sort them properly. GryffinClaw I am thinking it would be. Because they're both intimidatingly smart, but way too kind to let you know how your own intelligence pales in comparison to theirs. I don't know Joe as much, but Jennie is loyal like the toys in Toy Story 3, when they hold hands and almost DIE IN A FIRE. And bravery? Well, you've got to be crazy courageous to embrace a love as big as theirs.

What occurs to me about your union is that it's the kind of thing that makes people actually say "soul mates" and believe it.

Um, also, you have shared interests and passion. Obviously. Otherwise, getting married would be a bust, huh?

Identify and articulate positive qualities about the bride, the groom, and the two as a couple as you start to write the wedding toast. If you want to briefly walk down memory lane in your wedding toast, it's ideal to choose a memory that involves both the bride and the groom. Was there anything unique in the way they met? Or their engagement? These can make interesting anecdotes.

I remember this one time when Jennie first met Joe for coffee and we were like, you know, totally supportive because we love her and want her to be so happy, but also were like, "As if!" You know? Because who on this whole earth is good enough for Jennie? No one is who. But guess what? We were wrong. It was Joe! Joe was like when you've been searching through your Lego buckets for hours looking for just that once piece and when you find it? Snap and click! That's something I remember about them, together. The Lego feeling.

Essentially, the wedding toast you give should be warm, personal, and brief. If you are a stand-up comedian, insert jokes. If you are not, play it straight. While you may have the urge to entertain, keep in mind that to the bride and groom your words will be remembered forever.

Um, I'm not a stand-up comedian. Also, I am not straight. So, um, let me keep this brief.

Do not give a wedding toast if you're drunk. Period.


End the wedding toast on a high and hopeful note. Express all the good wishes in the room for the new couple's happy, healthy, prosperous future.

Jennie, I have loved you for a long time. Joe, learning you is loving you, and that's so easy. I am so glad you've found each other so you'll have a hand to hold through all the good stuff (like the Chuck season three premiere) and all the the bad stuff (like when Arrested Development was unfairly canceled). Also, life things that are not entertainment-related. I hear some people have those.

Finally, ask the assembled group to join you in the wedding toast, lift your Champagne glass, and say, "To (name of bride) and (name of groom)...."

To Jennie! and Joe!

Let everyone know the wedding toast is complete by adding your favorite clean down-the-hatch phrase, such as Cheers! or the ethnic Salut!, L'chaim!, A votre sante!, Za vashe zdorovye!, Prosit!, Skal! et cetera.

Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Of course I know Dumbledore, who doesn’t know Dumbledore?


My sister: Are we going to go see Harry Potter together?
Me: Um, DUH.

My sister and I have a complicated relationship. It is not the typical sisterly bond, full of sharing clothes and whispering secrets and giggling over boys although, let's face it, when have I EVER giggled over boys? She was born four years after me but, because of a learning disability and my propensity to act like a 50-year-old as a child (I'm aging backwards), the age gap always seems bigger.

We are completely different. While I'm reserved and would never approach a stranger, Mindy would approach anyone, didn't matter who, and BOOM instant BFFs. I always envied this quality, since it takes me so long to warm up to people, but her ability also scared me. What if someone took advantage of her? She's so trusting and kids, hell, ADULTS, can be cruel. I saw evidence of that time and time again. And time and time again, I'd yell at the offender or kick him in the balls (true story) or hit him in the head with a dictionary (also true story) because fuck them, you know?

The time came, however, when I couldn't kick the world in the balls anymore, not without getting arrested anyway, but believe me, I've often wished I could. Mindy has always had it harder than me. Always. I never had to try hard in school. I was lazy, I never studied, and I still managed good grades, but my sister didn't have that luxury. And not only that, she had to put up with dickhead kids making fun of her, kids that would send her home so upset over something they'd said to her.

Once she came home from school and picked a fight with me, over nothing really, and, completely bewildered, I was all, "what is UP with you?" and that's when she burst into tears, yell-cried, "why are kids so mean to me?" and broke my heart into a billion tiny pieces. It breaks all over again whenever I think of that moment. I can see us there, standing in my parents' kitchen, her, red-faced and crying and me, fists balled at my sides, so helpless, white-hot rage coursing through my veins with nowhere to go. Since I could no longer kick the offenders in the balls, especially since most of them didn't even HAVE balls, all I could do was hug her and tell her it would be alright, hoping that I wasn't a liar. I wish I could time travel, go back to that moment, and tell that little girl that she is better than all those stupid kids, better than me, better than everyone. She deserves to hear that, then and now and always.

That's not to say we didn't fight because OH DID WE FIGHT. We used to get in epic battles over the silliest things. The remote. The recliner. My possessions that would somehow sneak from my room into hers. We once ripped her door off of its hinges during a fierce argument over...I don't know what. She broke an umbrella over my head. I cracked a porcelain alligator over hers. She once poured a glass of water in my lap because I had stolen her seat when she went to the bathroom.

It took a while for this to sink in, but one day I realized that Mindy fights with me and my mom and my dad because she can't fight the rest of the world all the time. She can fight with us and we'll still be there. We'll still love her.

There's an episode of Sports Night where Dana's brother does something stupid, I can't remember exactly what, but I want to say it had something to do with taking steroids. And Dana is PISSED, rightly so, because dude, that's stupid. And as she's ranting and raving, Casey tells her to calm down. He tells her that everyone, coaches and parents and fans alike, is going to be coming down hard on her brother for what he did, and that he needs someone to be on his side. No matter what.

I try to be that person for my sister, but it took me a long time to get there. If she's acting like a shit (which happens a lot, right, Mindy?) or getting bent out of shape about something silly, I take a deep breath and distract her from whatever's bothering her. I tell a stupid joke and try to make her laugh instead of yell or roll her eyes instead of cry. This is not to say I'm perfect. I still snap at her when I should be gentler. But I'm learning. And when she's fighting the world and the world fights back, I try to be on her side, even if I'm the only one.

There are very few movies my sister and I both like, but we always see Harry Potter together, ever since The Sorcerer's Stone. I buy tickets early for a showing on the Friday it opens and pick her up on the way home from work. We usually go out to dinner beforehand, but not a big dinner since we have to save room for popcorn. So it should go without saying that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part the first) is the fall movie I'm most excited about. Harry Potter is always the movie I'm most excited about. There's a magic there for my sister and I that has nothing to do with the movies and I'm more than a little upset that there are only two of them left. But then again, I suppose we'll still have the DVDs.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Time is making fools of us again.

YOU GUYS. This summer I totally crossed my heart, hoped to die, motherfucking PINKY SWORE that I’d go see some movies. In the movie theater. Specifically Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and Piranha 3D. And I didn’t. At all. Not even once. I AM SO SORRY THAT I’M A BIG FAT LIAR, JOE.

So I’d like to say that boy oh boy I’m a-gonna see the shit out of the fall movies this year, but let’s face it, I will not. Because I suck. No wait, no I don’t! (Well, much anyway.) I’m just very, very, very, very busy. Doing what? I HAVE NO IDEA. But the minutes, they fall through the hourglass like the sands of time, and then the hourglass gets knocked off the shelf because Winston is being a GIANT ASSHOLE and then the hourglass breaks and the sand gets, just, everywhere, and then I have to pull out the vacuum and clean up the mess and once I have the vacuum out I figure I might as well vacuum the entire apartment plus the lampshades plus the upholstery plus a tree (don’t ask). What I’m trying to say is that my life sucks.

No wait, it doesn’t. But it is very, very, very, very busy, and when one is very, very, very, very busy one must prioritize. So, BEHOLD, my list of priorities:

1. Drinking Alcohol
2. Feeding Winston
3. Cooking and Eating Food
4. Sleeping
5. Reading
6. Traveling
7. Watching NewsRadio
8. Working

10. Complaining about The Heat
?. Going to the Movies
?+1. Calling My Mother

THAT SAID, the one movie that I cross my heart, hope to die, motherfucking PINKY SWEAR to see is this one. Duh.