Charlotte Brontë — One of many novelists/poets belonging to the family Brontë.
Dear Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre? Well done, you! Really. Great job. That bit where Jane opens her bedroom door after her thwarted wedding and passes out right into Rochester's arms? So romantic! But Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, it seems you said some things. Some wrong and rude things about Jane Austen. Your publisher George Lewes suggested you write less melodramatically, like Miss Austen. You wrote back, said you'd never heard of Pride and Prejudice, but you picked up a copy at your local Barnes and Noble, and were basically bored to tears. Then, Charlotte Brontë, six days later, you sent another letter to your publisher: "You say I must familiarise my mind with the fact that 'Miss Austen is not a poetess, has no 'sentiment' (you scornfully enclose the word in inverted commas), 'has no eloquence, none of the ravishing enthusiasm of poetry'; and then you add, I must 'learn to acknowledge her as one of the greatest artists, of the greatest painters of human character, and one of the writers with the nicest sense of means to an end that ever lived'.
The last point only will I ever acknowledge. Miss Austen maybe is sensible, but she cannot be great."
Jane Austen cannot be great, Charlotte Brontë? Cannot. be. great?
You show both pride and prejudice in your judgment, and now I have to sock you in the nose.
Ilene Chaiken — Creator and Executive Producer of Showtime's hit series, The L Word. (That link will only be funny if you actually watch The L Word.)
Dear Ilene Chaiken: you are a bad storyteller. No, seriously, listen to me: you suck. The first season of The L Word was amazing. You were writing something fresh and clever and beautiful; it was awesome. But then, I dunno, you started taking yourself too seriously or you used up all your creativity in the first 14 episodes, or you went tone deaf, because, Ilene, WHAT is that theme song that started in season 2? It's horrible. You killed Dana! You assassinated Tina then Alice then Shane. You took Helena off my screen for 9 entire episodes. Why do you loathe your characters so much? Why do you want them to be miserable? Why do you want your audience to hate your guts? Why are you begging me to punch you in the face? You've been mercifully granted an eight-episode season 6, so before you eff it all up, let me just help you. Alice is funny. Shane is loyal. Helena has the best accent on television. Kit is capable of uttering more than one line. Angie should never hold a gun. And Bette? When Bette is without Tina she cries and cries and has the saddest face in West Hollywood. But when Bette has Tina, she looks like this
When Bette cries it makes me hate you even more, Ilene Chaiken. Whatever souls are made of, Tina's and Bette's are made of the same, and if you tear them apart in season six—if one of them cheats—I am going to more than punch you. Nothing personal. It's just the way I live and loooooooove.
Laura Mallory — Ill-informed religious fanatic.
Dear Laura Mallory: you don't even deserve my words. You've been trying to get Harry Potter books banned from my neighboring county's school system for years because you think they teach kids "demonic activity, murder, evil blood sacrifice... and [magic] spells." And here's the kicker: you haven't even read the books! If Harry Potter promotes witchcraft, then so do all of C.S. Lewis's Narnia books, and C.S. Lewis is one of the greatest Christian apologists to ever live. You are the worst kind of person because you spread your ignorance at the top of your lungs in the name of a religion you don't understand. I've read Harry Potter, and also the Bible. You are God's own marketing nightmare, and I'd cast a Cruciatus Curse on you, but guess what? Harry Potter is make-believe. Of course, you don't always need a magic wand.
Geno Auriemma — Coach of the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies.
Dear Geno: I am a University of Tennessee Lady Vols fan to the point of distraction, and, as you know, that makes you my mortal enemy. You are hot-headed and arrogant and incapable of shutting your gob for five seconds. You did something to Pat Summitt in the off-season, something bad enough to make her call off your game for the 2007-2008 season, and no one will say what kind of asshole maneuver you pulled. About 5 seconds ago, Tennessee beat Notre Dame to secure a spot in the Elite Eight, so it looks like The Lady Huskies and The Lady Vols are on a crash course to the Final Four, where the media will surely pressure you into telling the story. Pat Summitt is a class act; she'd never punch you. Oh, but I would, Geno. If you'd take your head out of your ass long enough for me to get a swing at you.
RLG — Co-worker of someone I love.
Dear RLG: Pssst, c'mere. KAPOW!
That felt good.
Bonus! One person I would never punch in the face is my baby sister, who turns 28-years-old today. Happy Birthday, Sister!