Monday, 30 April 2012

I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.


The first time I got married in Skyrim, I was an awkward, blundering warrior-mage looking for a place to rest my head and store my gear in Whiterun. I met Uthgerd the Unbroken in The Bannered Mare throwing bank a tankard of Black-Briar Mead and hankering for a brawl. She insulted me, challenged me to a fist fight, and when I bested her, she noticed my Amulet of Mara and offered her hand (and house!) in marriage. I accepted. We were wed at the Temple of Mara in Riften within the week.

Things were fine at first. We traveled the land raiding bandit camps and defeating dungeons full of Draugr. But pretty soon I had enough gold to buy my own house in Whiterun. Uthgerd moved in with me, of course, but so did my housecarl Lydia. And that's when things got dicey. Lydia was constantly in my bedroom. When I woke up, there she was. When I returned from battle, there she was. When I unloaded my loot into my treasure chest, there she was. "Honored to see you, my thane!" "Long life to you, my thane!"

Pretty soon I decided to take Lydia questing and let Uthgerd have a break. For one thing, Lydia's sycophantic blabber in my house was making me nuts. Out on the open road, she was a sarcastic, impatient warrior who sighed and huffed when I stopped to buy supplies, and when I'd ask her to hold onto some of our loot, she'd go, "I am sworn to carry your burdens." And for another thing, she'd happily wear the fancy armor I smithed for her, unlike Uthgerd, who seemed determined to get burnt to a crisp by dragon fire in that pedestrian steel outfit.

But things got sour on the road with Lydia after a couple of days. I was a master of sneak, you see, wielding my bow and arrows in the shadows for double damage, but at the first sign of trouble, Lydia would go barrelling into forts and caves and ancient ruins shouting, "I'LL KILL YOU IF I HAVE TO!" So of course I had to follow after her or risk hitting her in the head with one of my glass arrows from afar. But once I got into actual combat, I had to spend the whole time chasing Lydia around casting healing spells at her because she was constantly almost dying.

Last week, in real life, I got myself some strep throat AND a peptic ulcer, which meant I was confined to my bed to be miserable and chew on bread occasionally. I decided to while away the time by starting a new game of Skyrim and not get married until I was good and ready. After like 20 hours, I settled on Mjoll the Lioness as my constant companion, because: a) She has her own high-level weapons, b) She'll wear whatever armor you smith/enchant for her, and c) She has the most unique dialogue options in the game, so when you're out on the road, she doesn't just huff and puff; she talks about how her mom trained her in swordsmanship and how she's been wiping out bad guys her whole life and stuff. She's a little insufferable — "I've NEVER been a sellsword!" — but then, so am I (IRL and on PS3), so we're a pretty great match.

EXCEPT! When we got married, her roommate followed her into my house! All he does is talk about how he rescued Mjoll this one time and she's done nothing but make his life the greatest life in all of Tamriel and how he wants to move away with her and blah blah blah. He's always there! Day and night! Following Mjoll around! I've pickpocketed him, punched him in the head, taken away his house key, but still he keeps coming back! And then! Last night! When I came home from ending Skyrim's Civil War, after weeks and weeks on the road, he was standing in my bedroom watching my wife sleep! It was the creepiest thing I have ever seen in my life!

Also, this asshole keeps perving on me when I'm in my own damn house changing armor!

I can't bring myself to kill him with a sword, but I'm seriously thinking of replacing the Nord Mead in his backpack with some paralysis poison.

Actually, my favorite part of my whole hatred is how I Googled "What the fuck, Aerin? Skyrim." And found these AMAZING forum posts:
I followed Aerin out of the city, took out my bow and an iron arrow -- he's not good enough for anything better -- then I put an arrow through his knee. I dragged his body over a fire and left him.
Eventually, Aerin will walk out the door. (If he does not, exit/re-enter the house.) When he leaves, follow him out of Whiterun until nobody can see you and kill him. You should get no bounty and Mjoll will not know this way.
I went out and did the Azura's Shrine quest to get the refillable black soul gem. Then I went out and bought the Soul Trap spell. I waited around in the Whiterun house until his sorry hide showed up. He went about his business watching Mjoll and being creepy, I waited, spell at the ready. When he finally left, I followed him. Once we were safely outside the city, I snuck up and cast soul trap, then SLOW MO DECAPITATED HIS ASS!! Now I'm going to get my smithing/enchanting to 100, and create one heck of a helmet or something with his soul. Because we were safely outside the city and such, there was no bounty and Mjoll isn't ticked off at me in the least. Everything is business as usual.
This week's topic is: What creeps you out? And my original answer was: Aerin from Skyrim. But now that I've written this whole post, the answer is: Me.


Jennie said...

I love this even though I have no idea what Skyrim is, really. How do you even pronounce it? I know it's probably just, like, "sky-rim," but in my head I pronounce it like this: skrim.


Never That Easy said...

Jennie - I did that, only out loud, to my nephew, who is a game fanatic, and I don't think our relationship will ever recover. But this Aerin dude does seem pretty creepy.

Ashley said...

I didn't know you were a gamer! Why didn't I know this?

Is Skyrim an RPG or is one of those ones that has an actual beginning, middle, and end? Is Aerin a stock character? Just for clarity purposes. This entry is hilarious, BTW.

Sidenote: I am jealous of people with video game consoles because I am not allowed to have them because then I would never do anything else. One time I wasted an entire summer on Kingdom Hearts so then I sold my PS2. Did not regret it. Only occasional twinges of wanting to play video games. People talk about Skyrim a lot and it makes me want to buy a new system. I will be strong!

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

All these newfangled games kids are playing these these days. Feh! FEH, I SAY!!!

In my day, Mario just jumped over stuff and spent time in plumbing. The ape in Donkey Kong grabbed the woman, then tried to crush you with barrels or burn you fire. Simple! Straightforward! No personalities! No relationships! No soap operas!