To Jennie! and Joe!

Our beloved Jennie! and her beloved Joe! are getting married next weekend and so this week we offer up our very own toasts for the happy couple (since they know us well enough not to let us do it out loud at the actual wedding). Having waxed lyrical about them more times than I can count (second only to my effusive praise of Harry Potter), I thought it would be most appropriate to let eHow tell me how to do it properly.

How to Write and Give a Great Wedding toast

If you are not known to 50 percent of the assembled group, plan to briefly identify yourself and your relationship to the couple before you launch into the toast.

Hi, I'm Heather! Anne! from where the hillbillies live. (Just in case you couldn't place my accent.) I've known Jennie through several incarnations of both of our blogs and I've known Joe since the first time I swooned over him when he commented on The Collective.

Then start the wedding toast off by offering a remark about the wonderful/touching/elegant/memorable/unique (or fill in your own adjective) ceremony you have all witnessed.

I haven't yet witnessed your wedding, but I've been privy to many details via secret Collective communication devices, and dudes, it is going to be flipping AWESOME. Totally worthy of your deep, abiding love and double whimsicality!

Well before the wedding ceremony, write down your thoughts about the couple. What have people who love them said about their match? What occurs to you about their union? Do they have shared interests or passions?

I have written down my thoughts about you as a couple. Here they are:

Jennie and Joe are that rare kind of magic that is awesome by itself, but somehow even more powerful when combined with the other. Like, if Jennie and Joe went to Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat would have to create a new house just to sort them properly. GryffinClaw I am thinking it would be. Because they're both intimidatingly smart, but way too kind to let you know how your own intelligence pales in comparison to theirs. I don't know Joe as much, but Jennie is loyal like the toys in Toy Story 3, when they hold hands and almost DIE IN A FIRE. And bravery? Well, you've got to be crazy courageous to embrace a love as big as theirs.

What occurs to me about your union is that it's the kind of thing that makes people actually say "soul mates" and believe it.

Um, also, you have shared interests and passion. Obviously. Otherwise, getting married would be a bust, huh?

Identify and articulate positive qualities about the bride, the groom, and the two as a couple as you start to write the wedding toast. If you want to briefly walk down memory lane in your wedding toast, it's ideal to choose a memory that involves both the bride and the groom. Was there anything unique in the way they met? Or their engagement? These can make interesting anecdotes.

I remember this one time when Jennie first met Joe for coffee and we were like, you know, totally supportive because we love her and want her to be so happy, but also were like, "As if!" You know? Because who on this whole earth is good enough for Jennie? No one is who. But guess what? We were wrong. It was Joe! Joe was like when you've been searching through your Lego buckets for hours looking for just that once piece and when you find it? Snap and click! That's something I remember about them, together. The Lego feeling.

Essentially, the wedding toast you give should be warm, personal, and brief. If you are a stand-up comedian, insert jokes. If you are not, play it straight. While you may have the urge to entertain, keep in mind that to the bride and groom your words will be remembered forever.

Um, I'm not a stand-up comedian. Also, I am not straight. So, um, let me keep this brief.

Do not give a wedding toast if you're drunk. Period.

Whoops.

End the wedding toast on a high and hopeful note. Express all the good wishes in the room for the new couple's happy, healthy, prosperous future.

Jennie, I have loved you for a long time. Joe, learning you is loving you, and that's so easy. I am so glad you've found each other so you'll have a hand to hold through all the good stuff (like the Chuck season three premiere) and all the the bad stuff (like when Arrested Development was unfairly canceled). Also, life things that are not entertainment-related. I hear some people have those.

Finally, ask the assembled group to join you in the wedding toast, lift your Champagne glass, and say, "To (name of bride) and (name of groom)...."

To Jennie! and Joe!

Let everyone know the wedding toast is complete by adding your favorite clean down-the-hatch phrase, such as Cheers! or the ethnic Salut!, L'chaim!, A votre sante!, Za vashe zdorovye!, Prosit!, Skal! et cetera.

Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!