I tried my best to stay away from FarmVille, even though Heather Anne and Abigail were trying their best to peer pressure Kat and I into joining. And since it's impossible to say no to either Abigail or Heather Anne, join I did. When I started, I was all, "I do not understand this," and Twittered away my days with question upon question about planting and harvesting and ribbons, OH MY! Soon I caught on, and began to insist that I was a real farmer because, um, look at my FARM. It has cows and pigs and goats and CROPS and a barn and also a cat in a jack-o-lantern and I'm pretty sure you can't be a real farm without a cat in a jack-o-lantern. (I have two, so I am a double farmer.)
I reached a certain point, and I don't know when exactly it was, but I reached a certain point where I began to seriously doubt my sanity. Which, let's face it, is an everyday occurrence for me but this time was a bit different. You see, I was driving down the road and while I was sitting at a red light, I glanced to the house on my right and saw that they had a well in their front yard. Huh, I thought. That looks like the well on my farm.
And sometimes, I'd see a group of trees and think, That's silly, they should totally line those trees up real close on the edge of that field to utilize their space.
And then later, Joe and I were driving out in the country and I saw a farm and said, "My farm is way better than that," and he said, "You mean your fake Internet farm?" and I said, "YOU SHUT UP, I'M A FARMER!" and then I saw some cows and got distracted mooing at them.
AND THEN LATER, the baby elephants showed up. I had just written about how I would really like to have a pet baby elephant to ride to work and share my whiskey with and I thought the FarmVille baby elephants were too good to be true. It was at this point that I began to wonder if I was hallucinating FarmVille. I noticed that the pond on my FarmVille farm, with all its swans and ducks, looked very similar to the pond in our apartment complex. The pond with all the swans and ducks. The pond that Joe hates to go to with me because I will stand there for an hour repeating some variation of, "OMG, look at that cute duck!"
Am I stuck in the Matrix, I wondered. And then I decided no, I am DEFINITELY not, because there is a surprising lack of kung-fu in my life if I am, in fact, stuck in the Matrix. Plus, I don't even own a long, black trenchcoat. Once I decided this, I was quite relieved to see I wasn't going nutso bananas.
Now there's some Mystery Box nonsense going on that might REALLY drive me crazypants, but since I didn't get the memo on not spending my FarmVille dollars, I only have like seven of them and can't afford to buy the Mystery Box. So far, no one I know has gotten one, either, so I don't know what's in it and IT'S DRIVING ME BATTY. I just keep walking around like Brad Pitt at the end of Seven, all, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!" but the difference is I'd totally be OK if it was Gwenyth Paltrow's head. Um, spoiler, sorry.