Thursday, 3 March 2011

Let's not put the "duh" in dumb.


Me: I need a terrible movie to write about for Thursday.
Joe: Hmm, how about The Cutting Edge.
Joe: about Pippi Longstocking?
Me: Well, that movie is pretty terrible but it's not my favorite terrible movie.

Also, I got to thinking about it, and I don't think kids movies count as terrible movies because EVERYONE likes terrible movies when they're a kid. There are some good kids movies from when I was but a wee be-pigtailed lass, movies like The Goonies, Annie, The Land Before Time (BUT SO SAD), The Brave Little Toaster, and like ALL of the Disney movies, but there are a lot of really bad movies. Ferngully. Pippi Longstocking. The Land Before Time versions 2 through whatever number they're on now. I mean, good lord, just look:

But it seems unfair to judge my childhood taste in movies, since all kids like some sort of shitty entertainment, otherwise things like Justice Beaver Justin Bieber and the Teletubbies never would have existed. Close your eyes and think of THAT world, a world without Justin Bieber or Tinky Winky, until you come back to harsh reality. OK, come back now, please, and finish reading.

When it comes to picking the shittiest movie I've latched onto as an adult, well, I have a hard time choosing just one, because I love so many shitty movies. Center Stage, What a Girl Wants, The Holiday, FUCK YES, but I could also add Cool Runnings, Grease 2, Pet Semetary, The Fifth Element, and OK FINE, The Cutting Edge.

There's a big difference between plain old shitty movies (When in Rome, Confessions of a Shopaholic, almost all Katherine Heigl vehicles) and EPIC shitty movies. When in Rome made me want to LITERALLY kill myself. And, yes, I SAID LITERALLY ON PURPOSE. It made me embarrassed for every actor involved, except maybe Dax Shepherd and Napoleon Dynamite (because fuck those guys). But for everyone else, I wanted to commit sepukku because I was so embarrassed on their behalf. I mean, what is Kristen Bell doing in that movie? She is too good for that. She is Veronica Mars! She is Uda FUCKING Bengt, people!

But I digress.

Epic shitty movies are like parasites, they latch onto your brain and make you shout things like, "TOE PICK," out loud, in real life, with no context whatsoever. They make you give up trying to do anything productive on sunny weekend afternoons. Instead you sit on the sofa, unshowered and preferably with some sort of greasy hangover food spread out in front of you, and lose hours to The Fifth Element, which TBS* (aka Hangover Theater) is airing over and over ALL DAY LONG.

But alas, I'm still torn! Which shitty movie is my favorite? I'm tempted to pick Sister Act, but I watched it too many times as a child and now I can't even bring myself to call it a shitty movie. Sister Act 2 on the other hand? Yeah, that is a terrible movie, and yet I've seen it at least 100 times. But YOU GUYS. Professor McGonagall is in those movies. How can you NOT love them? And...Lauren Hill? What? Is that not the most wonderfully random thing you've ever heard? Also, this:

My next thought was Never Been Kissed. I love this movie, but it is just terrible. And yet, when I'm channel surfing and it's on TBS (of course) and it's almost to the part where Drew Barrymore is waiting nervously on the pitcher's mound and everyone is watching her and you're not sure if Michael Vartan is going to show up and then it REALLY looks like he's not going to show up BUT THEN THERE HE IS! AND HE'S RUNNING TOWARD HER AND THEN HE KISSES HER AND SHE'S NOT NEVER BEEN KISSED ANYMORE AND! IT! IS! AWESOME! I can't not watch that, you guys, I just can't.


But when it comes down to it, my all time favorite shitty movie is Bring it On. It's the perfect storm of questionable acting, quotability, and DANCE ROUTINES. There is just never a bad time to watch it. Hungover? Watch this movie. You have the flu? Watch this movie. Just broke up with someone? Watch this movie. Bored? Watch this movie. Don't know what spirit fingers are? WATCH. THIS. MOVIE. I've seen it enough times that I can recite the lines along with the characters, which isn't THAT big of a deal, I can do the same thing with Bridget Jones's Diary AND Pride & Prejudice, but there's a big difference between saying this:

"I am most seriously displeased."

and yelling THIS:

"You are being a CHEER-TATOR, Torrence, and a pain in my ass!"

for no raisin whatsoever. I could hate on myself, but COME ON, this movie is amazing. Just...just watch it, OK? Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.


Anonymous said...

James Edward Franco. (I had no idea he was in Never Been Kissed, either.)

Jennie said...

James fancy.

Kiti said...

I cannot disagree with any praise that you may heap upon Bring It On. I love that movie. Eliza Dushku is awesome.

mysterygirl! said...

TBS is SO hangover theater. I love Never Been Kissed, too, even though the premise is SO creepy if you think about it too hard. I feel like its awesomeness must have something to do with the fact that Franco is in it (even though I had no memory of that fact until now). Bring It On is also very best. The Collective has great taste in bad movies. We should all sit around and watch them and eat popcorn. :)

kat said...

Everything you said about When In Rome is SO TRUE. I tried to watch it again to make sure it was as bad as I remembered and I had to turn it off after five minutes. SO WORST.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

I'm now dumber and have less hope because I watched that clip from Bring It On.

I'm at a loss concerning your non-love for The Fifth Element. It's tongue-in-cheek perfection. It has Gary Oldman as an evil space guy with a southern accent. It has Milla Jovovich waltzing around with her lady parts covered in what appears to be white tape. And Chris Tucker as an annoying guy. Hello? WTF? This movie does not belong in the same sentence with stink generators like Grease 2 and Pet Semetary. How dare you, sir.

eclectic said...

Smith LOVE, LOVE, LOVES The 5th Element. He OWNS it for chrissakes, but when it's on TBS, he is powerless to leave the room. I leave right about when the blue opera singer starts...

Heather Anne Hogan said...

This is amazing. You are amazing.

Also: Hangover Theater! So correct!

Jennie said...

No, I LOVE The Fifth Element, but it's pretty bad, mostly because of Chris Tucker. Damn you, Chris Tucker, you ruin everything.

mysterygirl! said...

Oh, another stupid thing about Bring It On! I trained my dad to do a call and response, so when I'm freezing, I'll be all, "Brrrr! It's cold in here!" and he'll reply, "There must be some Toros in the atmosphere." Reason #956 why my dad is the best.

Ashley said...

You guys: I've decided that I don't approve of you calling all these movies bad, because we clearly get so much genuine enjoyment out them that they are clearly and actually not bad at all. Never Been Kissed is my anthem. It is a GOOD MOVIE.