Today we salute you, Mr.-Too-Important-for-Television-Watching. McDreamy. Who? McLovin. Who? Your colleagues may waste their mornings talking T.V., but you've got work to do, and what kind of person names their child after a McDonald's entree anyway?
Spencer Pratt? He sounds like a swell guy. Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker? Isn't he that bloke that that used to host that show The Price Is Right? Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? How did I meet your mother? Samantha who? YOU DON'T KNOW! You don't fill your brain with useless drivel! You are intellectually superior to all of us, because you do not watch television! You do not own a television! You have never even been in the same room as a television!
You don't care that that your co-workers have replaced the word "lunch" with "tribal council," and that every day over Lean Cuisine they vote to kick you off the "island." In case they missed it, you don't work on an island. You work in an cubicle, in an office building, where, in your opinion, the Internet is far too accessible. Did I mention that you really Schruted those WEENUS Reports? But blurgh me, you have no idea what that means either.
You swear to God, if one more person mentions American Idol, you are going to lose your shit. You don't vote for television contestants; you vote in the presidential election, because America is the only democratic nation in the world where a candidate can win the popular vote but lose the election. And if there's anything you hate, it's popularity.
So pocket those 30 bucks you save each month on TiVo, oh, long lost Humphrey Cousin, and spend it on your next "date." But don't blame us when you have nothing to talk about. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of your life, Mr.-Too-Important-for-Television-Watching.
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