Tuesday, 20 May 2008

this is essentially exactly the way it happened

JennieWhen my brother asked to come stay with me, of course I let him, but I didn't like it. I value my privacy, you see, and there are certain things I can't do with a guest in the house if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. But when I heard his sob story about some big, bad wolf blowing his house down, I had to let him stay. What was I supposed to do? Leave him outside? He'd probably try to build himself another house out of straw. My brother's never been the brightest pig in the world, but I thought he'd have better sense than to build a house out of straw. Cheapskate.

That's why I built my house out of sticks. Lovely long, sturdy, thick sticks. Sure, I probably could have found a better building material, but I'm not made of money, you know. And now I have an extra mouth to feed. You'd think my brother would have offered to pay rent or buy food or something, but you'd be wrong. I did make him do the dishes, though. The dishes are made of sticks, too. The plates work OK, but I can't eat soup without it seeping out of the cracks in the bowls. It's hard to make bowls out of sticks. You try it.

My brother was trying to use a stick pan on the stove without catching it on fire and I was catching up on some TiVo (I love Top Chef, even though I cringe a bit whenever they use bacon), when some fool knocked on the door. Clearly, I was busy, so I shouted to my brother to answer it.

"Who is it?" he said.

"It's me!" a voice growled, and this was the point my brother peed all over the floor.

"Are you gonna clean that up?" I asked. Seriously. He peed on the floor. Disgusting.

"No time!" he yelled.

"What, were you raised in a barn?" I asked.

"Well . . . yes, and so were you," he answered.

"Fair enough," I said. "What's with the sudden incontinence, grandpa?"

"It's . . . it's the wolf!" he whispered. I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, wolf?" I asked.

" . . . what?" the wolf answered.

"Can you come back later? We're kinda busy right now."

"Um . . ." said the wolf. "No! I have tickets to the opera later, I really need to talk to you now."

"Fine," I said. "What do you want?"

"Let me in!" he shouted.

"How about no?"


I was starting to get pissed off. Padma was about to tell someone to pack their knives and I'd forgotten to pause TiVo. So I told the wolf that if he didn't get off of my property, I was calling the Fairy Tale Police. I know they're all unicorns and wood sprites, but they're still pretty intimidating, you know, with their guns and all. Apparently, though, they're not intimidating enough for a big, bad wolf because wouldn't you know it? He did huff and puff and blow my house in. And let me tell you, his breath was TERRIBLE. It smelled like rancid bacon, which worried me a bit. At that point, I figured it would be a good idea to follow my brother out the back door (or what was left of it) before the wolf came inside. I did manage to grab my TiVo, thank goodness. I can finish watching Top Chef at our other brother's house. He's got a big screen TV, so it'll be perfect.

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