ducks fly together!

I'm lazy, so here are some Olympics-themed clips from Olympics-themed movies that will warm your Olympics-themed hearts.









Discuss.

Slap it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no!

So, Olympics, huh? I don't think I have a whole lot to say about them, which is good since I'm super crazy busy these days, so I'll try to get this all out of the way as quickly and painlessly as possible. I've been watching the hockey games (duh), and I am happy to say that after last night all of my Washington Capitals can finally come home to rest. Which is what they need way more than some stinking gold medal anyway. Maybe this will piss them off enough to win the Stanley Cup this year, in which case look for pictures of me at all the games smiling and cheering and highly intoxicated. Also, Mike Milbury can go stick his hand in a blender. While I press the puree button.

That snowboard and ski cross stuff is pretty gnarly, right? It's like total demolition derby out there. And is it just me, or are all the American women snowboarders and skiers (a) unbelievably gorgeous, and (b) incredibly obnoxious? I mean seriously, they all seem to have, like THE WORST, most petulant, most ridiculously bad attitudes EVER! Then again, if I were that pretty I'd probably be obnoxious too.

Speaking of skiers, Bode Miller is still a tool. Aksel Lund Svindal, on the other hand, is dreamy. I wish I could embed this video, but I can't so here's a link. Watch it.

Ice dancing is boring. And grossly incestuous.

The men's figure skaters' outfits filled me with glee. And which one is the mouthy American dude who didn't win a medal? I want to be BFFs with that dude.



If McDonald's had this sauce year-round, I'd eat at McDonald's more than once every two years.

I should have written this while I was drunk; it would have been a whole lot funnier. Or weepier. Whatever.

SO. Last Saturday? Me and Seth and Mysterygirl! were gonna go curling? And it was gonna be so rad, you know? But when we got there they were full. So we went to a bar and drank Belgian beer and ate frites and a giant meat plate and two baskets of bread instead. If eating and drinking a lot of deliciousness was an Olympic sport, we would have totally brought home the gold.

USA! USA! USA!

Blah blah blah Olympics

Greetings, party people. First of all, let me redirect you to last week when I shared probably the best idea I ever had, Olympics Bingo. Seriously, I'm obsessed. Are you playing? You should be playing. Are you watching the Olympics on a regular basis? Then you should be playing.

Are you not watching the Olympics on a regular basis? What is wrong with you?! There is so much excitement to be shared, commentators to mock, countries to learn about, and athletes to ogle. Like Heather said yesterday, it's all the greatest things in TV in one place.

Several of the bingo spots reference the sponsors of the Olympics. Or rather, the sponsors of the NBC coverage of the Olympics. Or maybe both. I'm not really sure how it all works. I imagine at one point the peacock and the Olympic torch had a closed-door meeting where a very, very large amount of money changed hands. The repercussions of that are mostly a mystery to me... but I just discovered an entire Wackopedia entry on this so I'm going to stop making stuff up.

Ready for me to read this Wackopedia entry outloud to you? Okay. (I was going to write about McNuggets, but this is way more interesting.)

The first time NBC broadcast the Olympics was the Summer 1964 in Tokyo. Thanks to some sort of satellite magic they had a "highlights" reel from that day to play. Everything else got flown over from Toyko to here so we could see stuff the next day.

The 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul had NBC producers convincing Olympics officials to plan the medal ceremonies around live prime time coverage in the States. Wackopedia doesn't tell me how much money earned them the right to do this, but seriously, wouldn't it have to be a lot? Olympics officials are pretty no nonsense. Seoul was also Bob Costas's first Olympics. He did the late night coverage that Weird Mary so steadily holds today. He became primetime host in 92 and still holds that spot.

Ah ha! (Seriously, just reading this out loud to you guys.)

It wasn't until 1996 that they got exclusive coverage. And together with Olympics 2000 through 2008 NBC paid $3.5 billion. DOLLARS. They've now paid another $2.2 billion for 2010 (what what) and 2012 coverage. (This means that they didn't have sole rights to 1998 Nagano which is one of the first Olympics I remember fully. Weird.)

Okay, so that's how that went down. I have one other thing to say before I let you be and stop yammering about the Olympics.

Cris Collinsworth is one of the correspondents this year. He looks JUST LIKE Will Arnett. He tells these stories and he makes these faces and it's like he is being Will Arnett in a skit.

Cris:


Will:


I yanked the photo of Will from the NBC website where he was attending the USA/Canada hockey game. Will and Cris were both there in the SAME BOOTH. I can't believe the world didn't explode. I also cannot believe that NBC did not take a picture of them together. Come on, Bob.

The difference is, I'm in the mood to kick a ltttle ass

Yesterday my sister, with whom I usually see eye-to-eye about everything, said the most awful thing. She said, "I hate to say this, but am I the only one who is sick to death of the Olympics? I have no idea why it's getting on my nerves so badly this year, but that's enough now, OK, thanks. THE END." I mean, why would you put those words out there? It's The Olympics! The Olympics!

I love the Olympics even into my innermost affections. It pushes all my buttons: sports, dreams, triumph, glory, agony, melodramatic musical montages, commercials of kids pretending to be grown-ups, Bob Costas' and Crazy Mary's voices. Oh, how I love it. I have watched every minute of coverage available on NBC, even if I have to DVR it and catch up on the weekend -- but still it's not enough. All day long I am at nbcolympics.com, looking at photos, reading articles, watching videos.

This year I especially love how the Olympics are kind of supposed to be a giant commercial to showcase the host country's splendor, but it goes against everything Canada is about to brag about being so awesome. So, even the commercials about visiting Vancouver are kind of apologetic. Like, "A lot of people say these super great things about us, but this is just our home, you know? So don't feel bad if you live somewhere lame. You can come visit if you want. But no pressure."

I heart the Olympics so hard that I would happily give up Christmas for it. If the four-year schedule went: Christmas, Summer Games, Christmas, Winter Games, that would be just fine by me. Even if I had to give up Christmas entirely to make the Olympics happen, I would do that.

This is my favorite thing going right now and even though I know it's meant to emotionally manipulate me, I don't care. I've seen it a million times and every single time that kid slides out onto the ski jump seat I start crying.



And here's a bonus, because I love you.



Somewhere in the middle of all this I fell in love with you. I'm saying I love you. I'm saying it out loudl

Go world! Olympics forever!

Phone it in Friday: She's CRAFTY

Hey, so you should probably tell us about some crafts we can make because some of us are at home and bored and The West Wing reruns are almost over OH DIOS MIO WHAT WILL I DO WHEN PRESIDENT BARTLET GOES AWAY?!?

do you like to...do it yourself?

Here's the thing: I'm not very crafty. I try sometimes, but the small amount of perfectionist in me combined with my tendency to get really excited about a project only to forget about it a week later leads to much frustration and half-finished crafts. The only thing I've ever half-heartedly stuck with is embroidering because embroidering monkey things is wicked awesome.

However. That doesn't mean I don't like PRETENDING I'm going to start doing all sorts of crafts. My Google Reader is full of do-it-yourself subscriptions. Ikea Hacker is probably my favorite, although I usually don't even pretend I'm going to take on any of those tasks because it's hard enough to put Ikea stuff together, let alone hack it. Anyway. Here are some crafty items I've starred recently, in case you're feeling motivated and want to DIY:

1. Toothbrush Cup Nightstand, from Ikea Hacker

I moved my alarm clock across the room so it's no longer on my nightstand. I did this because I thought it would make me stop hitting snooze so much in the morning, but it didn't work. Instead, I stagger out of bed like a zombie, try not to trip over Phoebe, hit snooze, and then fall face-first back into bed. But even though I moved my alarm clock, I still have loads of crap on my nightstand. OK, not crap, just books. I think even I could handle this basket idea.

2. Paper Cake Slices, from How About Orange

Once Joe and I got engaged and threw away any plans of elopement on account of most of our family members would never talk to us again if we did that, I added a bunch of weddingy blogs to my Google Reader. I was hoping for inspiration I did not find at The Knot, which mostly just gave me a headache. One of my DIY subscriptions had this craft listed the other day, and while I probably won't end up using the idea, I do think it's cute.

3. Fabric Gift Wrapping, from Project Wedding

This isn't so much a craft, I suppose, but it is a really good way to save the environment. Plus, you get to buy fabric in all sorts of fun patterns and WHO DOESN'T LOVE PATTERNS?

4. DIY Wall Art Ideas, from How About Orange

I love buying junk to hang on the walls. Here is a list of junk you can make to hang on your walls.

5. The Cherry Blossom Lantern, from Ikea Hacker

This is just plain awesome.

6. How to Make (insanely cheap) Fabric Wall Panels, from Kyla Roma

More stuff to hang on the walls, hooray!

7. Make Your Own Happy Hour, from Tipsy Society

After you make all of these crafts, you're gonna need some refreshment, duh.


Have fun making all this stuff, Internets! And if you want to make it and just give it to me so I don't have to make it myself, that'd be cool, too. Just a suggestion!

About Roasted Cauliflower

Cooking for boys who claim to hate vegetables is SO WORST. It's like, give me a freaking BREAK already, I'm trying to do something good for your freaking colon so just eat the goddamned cauliflower, you know? But that's the thing about boys; they make no sense.

That's why I hereby give all y'all permission to be SNEAKY.

And that's exactly what roasted cauliflower is. Sneaky. One could even call it CRAFTY. (See what I did there?) Because roasted cauliflower tastes nothing like cauliflower. It tastes like french fries. But BETTER. Better, better french fries. I LOVE BETTER FRENCH FRIES.

Ahem.

Your shopping list for two is pretty simple. and pretty much consists of the following:

• 1 head of cauliflower
• A couple glugs of extra virgin olive oil
• Salt and pepper

That's it.

Now go and preheat your oven to 425 F. Now unwrap your head of cauliflower and remove any outer leaves, and trim the bottom off the stem to discard any brownish/blackish spots. As soon as you're done with that set your head of cauliflower stem-side down on a cutting board, and marvel at how freakishly brain-like that freaky-deaky vegetable looks. Then pull out your chef's knife and prepare to audition for Shaun of the Dead 2: Cooking Boogaloo.

Slice your brain--I mean cauliflower--into approximately 1/4-inch sections.



Remove these to a large bowl and dump a couple glugs of extra virgin olive oil over them. Then add a few pinches of salt and pepper, and gently toss the slices so they are completely coated but still (for the most part) intact. Spread the cauliflower into a single layer on a half-sheet pan.



Once the oven has preheated, stick the tray in and let it roast for about 20 minutes. Barring any major catastrophes (they have been known to happen) it should look about like this:



Use a spatula to flip the pieces over, then stick them back in the oven for another 20-30 minutes, until they look like this:



(That would be golden, brown, and delicious.) Now pile those on a plate with, what is that? Barbecued chicken and macaroni and cheese?



YES PLEASE.

B-I-N-G-O

It's not Joe Week. Sorry, Joe. It's Craft Week, supposedly, but no offense Heather, um, your card is lacking a certain depth only provided by real craft supplies. Where is the glitter? Buttons? Dried macaroni?

I thought my craft was going to be the best thing that ever happened to the internet. The craft I would dream up would change lives. It would drive people to Michael's to buy over-priced art supplies.

But then I got sick.

Real sick.



Pneumonia.

So, no craft.

I do have a game though.

Are you guys watching the Olympics? I loooooove the Olympics so much. And since I can't do anything but sit at home and watch people do things, I've been watching a lot of Olympics (I've also been watching a lot of my roommate Katherine try to beat this really hard bouncy ball thing in Mario). And while I watch, I compete in....

Olympics BINGO

Sample board:


You too can play! 50 different boards are available for here (it's an easy peasy PDF). If I wasn't dying, I could have made some sort of bad ass Olympics logo watermark or even a Collective shout out. But, boring PDF it is.

Standard BINGO rules apply. When something happens you cross it off. When you get five in a row or on the diagonal you get BINGO (and then start a new board and collect a prize from the super cool Valentine's Day candy bucket at my house).

Here are some special rules that I think help control the fun, but you don't have to follow them.
Sports: They must be competing or doing a recap of ("coming up" commercials don't count)
Athletes names: name said or athlete shown
Words in quotes: exact word or phrase must be said

I think this game is sooooo fun. But that's because I'm a giant dork who also has had all the fun sucked out of her life. If you're interested in making your own version or adding stuff to the boards that I've forgotten, let me know and I can explain how I did. Maybe your version can have a cool Olympics logo watermark!

How To Make a Birthday Card

Happy birthday, Joe!

Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch, turns to snow in my clutch (dadumbumbum) I'm too much

Good morning, Internets. I traded posting days with Kat on account of all the SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW (!!!!!) that got dumped on DC recently. I'm pretty sure it was something like eight feet. Ohio got some snow, too, which brings me to my point:

Dear snow, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I know we've had our rough patches, but because of you, I've gotten to stay home from work the past two days. Staying home from work is pretty much my favorite thing to do because you wanna know why? I'll tell you why. PAJAMAS. That's right. I stayed in my pajamas all day yesterday and I plan on doing the same today.

Sure, I'm working from home, but working from home is so much better than working from work (see: pajamas) so I don't even care. I even love my super long commute right now, because when you live an hour away from work and Mother Nature takes a big snow dump all over the city, no one questions you when you say, "um, yeah, I'm not driving to work in a level 2 snow emergency," because those are HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS. And my car is a tiny, tiny car, like a rollerskate almost and I don't think it's a good idea to drive to work in the snow on a rollerskate, do you? You don't, that's right, because that would be crazy.

So thank you, snow, for these two glorious days. Let's do this again next year.

(Notice I said next year, snow, because that's enough out of you for this year)

Inevitable is the most important word in this post

I think we're all pretty clear that I have two great loves in life: FarmVille and Zachary Levi. Somebody already wrote about the former and when I inevitably meet and marry Zac, I don't want there to be a string of stalker blog posts littering the internet. The other thing I considered declaring my love to is a cough syrup, but I think I'm still barely standing on the un-side of pathetic so I'm holding on to my dignity as long as possible.

That exhausts the options, save Chipotle. I wrote this in 2008 and I have yet to waiver.

Chicken burrito, hold the beans
Corn, tomato, and lots of greens
Dairy, yes -- and of course I'll pay for guac
I'll burn it off if I go for a walk
I can't help being so hasty
Because your tortillas are so tasty
Rhyming words can't describe your rice
Because it's just so much more than nice
I check your locations whenever I travel
If I go without my burrito I might unravel
I smile and wave when I see your sign
Chipotle, will you be my valentine?

Phone It In Friday: Worst

You know what always gets the weekend off to a good start, besides liquor? Bitching. Get a jump start on your happy by telling us the Five Worst Anything. Ready? Go!

ATTENTION: here be Lost spoilers

Tuesday night was the season premiere of Lost and of course I watched it LIVE, partly because I didn't want to be spoiled but also because I was so, so excited, like more excited than anyone should be about a TV show ever, but it's OK because it was for Lost and obviously Lost warrants this kind of excitement. However. I do have a bone to pick with the writers because they did something really, really awful, and so today I want to talk about the 5 Worst Moments of the Lost premiere.

Yeah, these might not be the actual worst moments, because I'm not really sure there WERE any worst moments, except for one which is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS, writers, you are so mean and I hate you!

Ahem. That said, I enjoyed the premiere, very much, mostly because Joe and I both had our theories proven to be CORRECT (Joe's was that there would be multiple timelines, mine was that Fake Locke/Jacob-hater = smoke monster) and there's nothing I like more than being right, so there.

There were many best moments about the premiere, like Hurley talking to Jacob and the temple being some crazy awesome society with cool fireworks and alternate universe Locke and Jack getting along and remember when Jack used to be really likable? When did that change? Anyway, I didn't even find Kate all that annoying in this episode, which is odd because usually the sight of her face makes me all PUNCHKILLPUNCH but as long as the episodes aren't Kate-centric, I think I'll be OK. But I digress. Here are my worst moments:

5. Juliet dies. Again. I will get back to that. If her death opens up the stupid Jack/Kate/Sawyer looooove (barf) triangle, I'm gonna have to choke a bitch.

4. Alpert gets his ass kicked. Don't hurt his pretty face, Fake Locke!

3. Stupid Jack's hero complex, trying to save Sayid when he is clearly dead. I mean, yeah, it's believable that he'd try to save his friend, and no one wants Sayid to be dead ('cept Ben, maybe), but how many scenes have there been on TV with some doctor pounding on a person's chest, screaming "don't you die on me," while some other calm person is all, "no, stop, he's/she's gone," blah blah whatever. Plus, this was almost just like the time Jack unrealistically brought Charlie back to life after he was totally dead on account of Ethan hanged him because Ethan was kind of a jerk like that.

2. But then! Sayid dies/comes back to life. A) Stop tugging my heartstrings, STUPID SHOW (I'msosorryIdidn'tmeanthatpleasedon'thateme) and B) is he a zombie now, or Jesus?

1. Juliet dies AGAIN?!? SERIOUSLY? Why? Whyyyyyyyyy? Why did they do that? She already died once and it was sad and made me cry and this time was even worse because I thought, "oh, surely they won't kill her off AGAIN," and the writers were like, "haha, jk, and don't call me Shirley," and I was all, "eff you, writers, eff you in your stupid asses!" and they were all, "Jennie, that was hurtful and unnecessary," and I was like, "so was killing Juliet AGAIN!" and they said, "Touche, Jennie. Touche." Except none of that really happened because the writers won't return my phone calls or emails, probably because I keep calling them buttfaces and yelling at them for making my heart all hurty all the time, but whatever, they should at least respond with a "thanks for watching" or something. Or a signed picture of shirtless Saywer, I'm not picky. Anyway, like an hour after Juliet died AGAIN, I was being all quiet and broody and Joe was like:

Joe: ...are you OK?
Me: Yes. I'm just still mad about Juliet.
Joe: Yeah, that wasn't very nice.
Me: It wasn't. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? It's so mean! And pointless! But mostly mean! Why make her all alive just so she can DIE again and break Sawyer's heart and go be on a stupid dumb show about alien lizards that is stupid and dumb and boring!
Joe: Whoa. How do you know that show's boring, you don't even watch it?
Me: I've seen it! I stopped watching because it's boring!

OK, I totally half-assed this list because the majority of the episode was SO GOOD YOU GUYS SO GOOD but I just wanted to talk about Lost so sue me.

5 Worst Guys I Ever Dated

This list needs no introduction, and yet here it is anyway.

1. B.R.

Told me he loved me. Broke up with me. Told me he loved me. Found out he was a liar (well, I knew that already; I just thought he'd never lie to me. CLASSIC GIRL MISTAKE.). Dropped off the face of the planet, so I have no idea where he is now nor what he's doing.

2. B.V.

Publicly denied we were dating. Broke up with me, like, seventeen times. One month before his wedding told me I was the love of his life. Married timber heiress; has two boys and the Lord.

3. M.B.

Also publicly denied we were dating, though this time it was my idea. Dumped me for someone else. Told me he loved me. Cheated on every subsequent college girlfriend with me. Married mannish woman strangely obsessed with her grandmother.

4. D.L.

Broke up with me by telling everyone in the world BUT me. When confronted confirmed, but said he had fallen in love with me. Have not heard from him since my completely original and not-at-all-cliched revenge (his name was Chuck, last name escapes me so let's go with Klosterman), but there's a picture of him with a very lovely little girl on his Facebook profile, so that's nice for him.

5. K.N.

Asked some freshman to go to our senior prom with him. Didn't break up so much as completely stopped talking to each other after that. Just got engaged to a wonderful girl in Birmingham. May be moving to DC for grad school. Kind of hope he does, because he's still pretty awesome. (You know, except for that prom thing. I'll never forgive him for that one.)

Five Worst Valentine's Day Cliches

There are a lot of reasons I'm excited about that new movie Valentines's Day. Reasons like Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Garner, Taylor Swift, Ashton Kutcher, etc., etc. I've already decided that this will be retribution for that terrible film He's Just Not That Into You which made me want to die die die. Speaking of die, I loooove Valentine's Day, but like any awesome, mass-observed holiday, the world has managed to turn it into something full of cliches. I guess that's the definition of cliche. These are the Five Worst Valentine's Day Cliches (a.k.a. The Super Annoying Things People Say in no particular order.

1. "It's SAD! Single Awareness Day!"

2. "Can you believe he didn't get a reservations?!"

3. "You need the big three: chocolate, flowers, jewelry. Then you know he's a keeper."

4. "We have to go out this weekend and meet guys. Otherwise I won't have a date for V-Day!"

5. "You gotta do it right, bro, cause it's the one day you can cash in and she'll put out. No questions asked."

I tend to believe that Valentine's Day is about showing your love to whomever in your life you love. Even if that's via a song about pigeon crap.



Full set of Friends Valentines here.

Five Worst Forms of Transportation

Sometimes, when I'm flying on my dad's dime, I get to sit in a plane seat that has room for both of my legs. It's a real treat. But when I'm jetting to wherever on the cheapest ticket possible (meaning that I paid for it) I have to sit in the cargo hold with the goats. I am no stranger to uncomfortable transportation, is what I am saying. And it's been that way my whole life, because, you guys, I AM SO TALL. (Five feet, nine and three-quarters inches, yo.) So I've been folding myself into back seats and coach seats since I was a kid. But even I, affable though I almost always am, have my limits. Here are five places I'd never ride (or ride again), the five worst forms of transportation.

1) Sidecar



OK, so here's the thing about the sidecar: it looks cool; Robin rode in one. But I cannot think of a more dangerous enterprise than riding down the road in a little cart that is lower than a motorcycle, a cart over which you have no control. Plus also: it smells like a cow.

2) Unicycle



I'm not exactly what you'd call "graceful" or even "coordinated" but I can flat ride a bike. Yet, the unicycle confounds me! When I used to work in a bike shop, we had a unicycle and I used to try for hours and hours to ride that thing, and I could never get more than half a pedal without falling over. So, eff you, unicycle. You are worst.

3) On the back of a panserbjørne



Oh, Lyra, look at you: so brave, so noble, riding on the Iorek Byrnison like that. But hey, guess what? He's still a bear. He's probs just taking you somewhere far away so he can have you for breakfast without interruption.

4) Jamaican taxi



In Jamaica they have these van(ish) taxis and they'll shuttle you wherever you want to go, but what you should know is: a) There is no maximum capacity. If 50 people want to cram into those three seats, by God, the driver will let them. b) The driver has no regard for his life or for yours. All mountain roads in Jamaica are one lane and here's how drivers let you know they're coming around a curve: HONK! c) You'll never get charged the same thing twice. If you look like a tourist, they'll charge you six times as much as a local. That's why you've gotta learn the patois.

5) The Tube in the morning rush hour shouldering a 50-pound Kelty.



To my fellow Underground passengers on the way from King's Cross to Victoria: I am so sorry. I had a plane to catch. I was trying to stand really still. I wanted to tracks to open up and swallow me, such was your loathing.