Thursday, 5 August 2010

"do the shit out of [blank]" sounds a lot dirtier than I intended

Jennie I love How To websites. I like to read about how to do things, and know that if I bought the ingredients/supplies/whatever, I could actually do most of these things. Although, I hardly ever actually do them. I think, "Wow, that would be super cool, I should do that!" and then I star whatever it is in my Greader, thinking I'll come back to it later and totally DO THE SHIT OUT OF IT. Then I find it a few months later and forget why I starred it. And I do not ever, in fact, do the shit out of it.

That said, I would like someone to write a book called How To Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Do Stuff, Jennie. That might not be relevant to that many people, although, there ARE a lot of Jennies in the world. They'd probably sell more copies if it was called How To Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Do Stuff, Jennifer. That would cover all Jennifers, Jennies, Jennys, Jens, Jenns, and Fers. If they called it that, though, then I would think I was in trouble because the only time I'm ever called Jennifer is if A) I'm in big big trouble (even more trouble if the Jennifer is followed by Lynn) or B) the person doesn't know me AT ALL. Anyway, MAYBE just How To Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Do Stuff would be the best title of all, especially if they wanted to sell like, all the copies. So sure, let's go with that.

I would also like this person to write follow-ups to How To Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Do Stuff, preferably these:

How to Find Time To Do Stuff After You Get Off Your Lazy Ass
How to Get Up Early to Exercise, You Lazy A-Hole
How to Quit Your Job and Write Stupid Stories All Day Instead. For Monies.


And then, you know, I'd probably need this person to follow me around, make sure I read the books, and then DO THE SHIT OUT out of whatever the books told me to do.

8 comments:

S said...

You forgot to add that the "Jennifer" title would also cover Nifs. Of course, I only know one Jennifer who goes by Nif, and only her niece calls her that (everyone else calls her Jenn). Just thought you'd like to add that to your list of Jennifer variations, though.

Also, someone should totally do the shit out of writing those books. Not me though. I'm too busy sitting on my lazy ass.

me said...

"and then I'd need the person to follow me around and make sure I read the books and DO THE SHIT OUT...etc."

So funny. So true. and almost made me guffaw my coffee!

Sarah G
( Not bragging..but when I actually get off my ass..well rather ON my ass and look for the stuff. i typically make it. So if you find the stuff to make..I'll make it.then you can find a way to sell it. we'll make monies then)

anne said...

OK, when you find this person, be sure to clone them. I'm thinking I'm going to need their double. My Greader has the same problem...

Jennie said...

Right now, I need a book called, What You Should Make For Breakfast because I am le hungry.

eclectic said...

For breakfast, you should make a bagel. That is the secret to living happy.

(Well, today anyway, because I have fresh bagels on hand and I am excited! See? Living happy, I am. Also, talking like Yoda.)

Although, perhaps you need to have a really AWESOME weekend planned for the bagel-breakfast to really achieve its full quotient of happy. I haven't tested the hypothesis, but I suspect the upcoming weekend is coloring all of my experiences, including perhaps the bagel thing. *sigh*

The main thing though, is you made me laugh out loud through this whole post. You are effin hilarious, lady!

Heather Anne said...

When Joe was new to me, I saw him call you Jennifer and I was like, "Oh no, what is happening?!" But it was OK; he was just joshing around.

Megan said...

"They'd probably sell more copies if it was called How To Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Do Stuff, Jennifer." almost made me spit out water.

In my experience, it's a lot easier to get up to exercise if you 1) find an activity you really like, 2) get in the habit of doing it every day during the week (I know, I know, but it makes it easier to wake up if you can get on a sleep schedule), and 3) have someone to do it with (heh) who will be mad if you flake out or whom you'd be embarrassed to let down.

承王蓁 said...

傻氣的人喜歡給心 雖然每次都被笑了卻得到了別人的心..................................................................