We're gonna live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

I go through periods where I sleep like total ass. And sleeping like ass is like, totally bad sleep, you guys, I swear. If you think about it, your ass really never sleeps, because you're always sitting on it or using it to move, or suffocating it by putting pants on it. Did you know asses hate pants? They do. Especially when it's hot outside. That's why you should wear a dress in the summer. Yes, even those of you with boy parts.

What was I talking about? Oh, right. Not sleeping. There are nights where I don't sleep at all, I think. I'll try to sleep. I'll close my eyes. I'll think sleepy thoughts. But I won't sleep.

Even in the best of times, I'm a touchy sleeper. I wake up if someone looks at me. I wake up if someone is scratching their bug bites in the middle of the night (JOE). I wake up if a small animal starts climbing on my pillow (PHOEBE). When Heidi and I lived together, I'd wake up to her alarm even thought it was a room, a hallway, and two closed doors away. My alarm clock is set on the radio-alarm and I wake up to the soft click it makes as the radio turns on, not the actual radio. I suck at sleeping.

I suck at falling asleep, too. I have been known to lie in bed for hours, wishing to just SLEEP DAMMIT SLEEP. Usually it's something stupid keeping me awake, like the moon is too bright (what?) or I have to get up earlier than usual in the morning or I can't put my damn book down because it's too damn good to stop reading, dammit.

I sort of hate sleep. I mean, I like the ACT of sleeping but I resent having to sleep every night, because I think of all the stuff I could get done if I didn't have to sleep. Like, OK, there was this episode of The X-Files called Sleepless. I don't remember much about it, other than Krycek is in it (with both arms) and Mulder wears a tiny, red Speedo. And these Vietnam vets had their sleep-brains removed (that's scientifically accurate, I'm pretty sure), I think to make them better soldiers because why would soldiers need to be well-rested? Anyway, the soldiers all go nutso-bananas because DUH sleep is like, important. You need to sleep so you don't start hallucinating that baby aliens are coming to steal your spaghettios because BABY ALIENS LOVE SPAGHETTIOS.

But what if you didn't need to sleep? That would be awesome. Except I like dreaming. Whatever, my point is, maybe it would be worth going a little crazy if you had an extra 6-8 hours to do stuff every day. I don't remember how that episode ended, but it was The X-Files, so I'm sure a bunch of people died or got abducted by aliens or had their livers ripped out, which is almost as bad as not being able to sleep. THE END.