Monday, 29 November 2010

Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.


I have this theory called The Rachel Green Theory that I use to explain why I hate all Jennifer Aniston movies. It's totally weird because I am Team Jenn through and through and there's a very real part of me that still hates Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because of that whole debacle from a decade ago. Like the other day Amy and I saw the trailer for The Tourist and she whispered, "Do you think Angelina Jolie slept with Johnny Depp when they were filming this?" And I totally whispered back really loudly, "PROBABLY. GOD."

And I mean, I pay money to see Jennifer Aniston movies, practically all of them. But, I don't know, it always feels like I'm just watching Jennifer Aniston prance around doing her Jennifer Aniston thing for 90 minutes or whatever. I don't believe her. She's always going to be Rachel Green to me because she was in my living room every Thursday night for ten years being Rachel Green.

That's the Rachel Green Theory and it is absolute fact.

Except — Look, I'm going to tell you something and it's probably going to really send Abigail and maybe even my sister into a rage blackout, but something happened to me the other day that I'm not proud of. I put in a Friends DVD because I always watch all the Thanksgiving episodes every holiday season, and it took me, like, 45 minutes to stop thinking of Monica as Jules. Yeah. That's right. Jules. Her character from Cougar Town. Which: a) I know I'm the only person in America watching that show. And b) I know I should have punched myself in the face the first time I thought it and continued to punch myself in the face every subsequent two minutes until I'd beaten it into my own head that Courteney Cox will always be Monica, Monica, Monica. (RULES HELP CONTROL THE FUN.)

I have a lot of feelings about Friends and most of them revolve around the fact that I could build a whole entire religion around Friends. You know how C.S. Lewis was a master Christian apologist? One thing he said one time was "I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not only because I see Him, but because by Him all things are seen." Which is how I feel about Friends: that it was the B.C./A.D. fault line and every sitcom after it is illuminated BY it. And this whole other time I was at a church building conference (you heard me) and the speaker was talking about contextualizing the Bible and he said, "The Bible is all truth, but the Bible doesn't contain all the truth in the world." Which is also how I feel about Friends. See, because Friends doesn't contain ALL the funny and all the true things in the entire storytelling world. But it IS all funny and all true things in the storytelling world.

Remember in "The One With Phoebe's Cookies" when Phoebe thinks she has a secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies that has been burned to smithereens? And Monica is bereft because it is the best recipe ever? And Phoebe says she has French relatives who might know it because he grandmother told her she got it from her grandmother, Nesele Toulouse? And then Monica is like, "Uh, Nestle Tollhouse?" And Phoebe shouts down at the floor (to her grandmother) "SEE IT'S STUFF LIKE THIS WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE BURNING IN HELL!!!!" Remember?

The point is that Phoebe and Monica were both right because out of all the chocolate chip cookies from all the recipes in all the whole world, NONE of them are as good as Nestle Tollhouse. And thanks to good old American laziness, you can now buy the dough already made at the grocery store!

And so this week is cooking posts and that little circumlocution was to remind you that Friends is always right, and so it is not a cop-out when I show you how to bake cookies for Santa in three easy steps below.

Step One: Buy Nestle Tollhouse dough.

Step Two:
Put the dough on a cookie sheet and bake it.

Step Three:
Take the freshly baked cookies out of the oven and put them in front of the Christmas tree with a glass of milk.

Next week I will give you 1,000 words on how I am the love-child of Ross and Leslie Knope. You're welcome in advance.


srah said...

I prefer the even lazier version where the dough is already pre-cut into individual cookie size and you just snap it apart and put it on the pan.

Jennie said...

Also. Everything in life can be related in some way back to Friends. True story.

kat said...

I made this recipe for chocolate chip cookies a couple weeks ago that was supposed to improve the Tollhouse recipe (which you can conveniently find here), but it didn't.

Good story, Kat.

Joe G. said...

I'm not a big Friends fan, but I do like the episode you refer to, Heather Anne. Also, Matthew Perry will always be, in my mind, Matthew Albee. That character had a little bit of Chandler in him, but he also had more substance, which I liked.

Jennie said...

Matthew Albee?

Heather Anne Hogan said...

Guys, let's also say who your TV parents would be. If mine are Ross and Leslie Knope, who are yours?

Heather Anne Hogan said...

Also, I can't even refer to Chandler as any other name than Chandler. Chandler doing Sorkin. Chandler doing that movie where he taught delinquent kids in the inner city. Chandler presenting an Emmy with Lorelai Gilmore.

Jennie said...

I'm pretty sure my parents would be Monica and Chandler, because I am crazy about routine (ask Joe) and I hide my feelings with jokes.

kat said...

Lucille Bluth and Karen Walker. Sperm from an anonymous donor, obvs.

eclectic said...

The Friends actors were NOT acting. Those personae are their very own, and none of them will ever convincingly be anyone else - not even themselves. Ever! Joey is Joey, Chandler is Chandler, Ross -- good god -- is Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe... they just ARE those characters. BUT, Santa is me at our house, so I'm gonna claim those cookies as my very own. Thanks!

Julie G. said...

When is Leslie Knope coming back. I miss her.

mysterygirl! said...

One of my friends told me just yesterday that if he were Brad Pitt, pretty much the only dude he wouldn't want his wife to make a movie with would be Johnny Depp because OMG is he awesome. So, I think you and Amy have good instincts.

No reason to try to improve on what Nestle Tollhouse mastered. They look beautiful!

Mad William said...

Friends, Shanandler Bong was good but Tollhouse rules.

And, sorry eclectic. You must have missed the memo. I am now Santa so those cookies are mine.
But I share.

april said...

Wait. You watch Cougar Town?

One of my favorite things about Sept 1st is how we got that Phoebe answer from the girl in the restaurant. :)

Ashley said...

1. I have just recently fallen in love with Cougar Town.
2. Friends is the shit.
3. But I have to disagree with you about the Nestle Tollhouse package cookies. They never taste right, and they get all crunchy after they're done baking. I think all the processing fucks it up.
4. I would want my TV parents to be Keith Mars and Lorelai Gilmore, but the truth is that they are actually Sheldon Cooper and Liz Lemon.

broke bertha said...

Nestle Tollhouse doesn't stand a chance to Publix brand chocolate chip cookie dough. That was my opinion until I found the new Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie break apart dough squares that bake with caramel or chocolate inside...OMG...I'm so disappointed in Publix for not offering a generic version of that awesome cookie.

I don't know who my television parents would be...but my friend Nathan, who is sitting right next to me, says that his television parents would be George and Jane Jetson so that he could live in that cool house. I think I would want my dad to be Splinter from TMNT because he gave good advice and my mom would be Aunt Becky from Full House because she had a really successful job.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

That's probably one of the best sentences Lewis ever wrote, and the dude wrote a LOT of sentences. The fact that you managed to slip it into a story dominated by Friends and ending with cookies just verifies your abilities as a writer, TV-ophile, and cookie eater.

Joe G. said...

Jennie, Matt Albee was Matthew Perry's character on Studio 60. I loved that show, flaws and all.

I have no idea who my TV parents are. Jennie, help me out with this one.

doahleigh said...

I'm so relieved to hear your admission about Jules vs. Monica. Because I LOVE Cougar Town (you're not the only one watching!), and I can't help it, Jules has taken over Monica in my mind. I feel a little guilty, but it is what it is.

me said...

I love you Heather Anne! :) ha.
Best ever I love how you brought it all around!!

And I love Friends.
And I also love jules - cougar town. just how much does courtney rock that we can take her as her new character?!

I'll make santa my cookies too!