gonna write you a letter, gonna write you a book

I started writing letters to myself through FutureMe a loooooong time ago. Like, years and years. Sometimes it was to wish myself a happy birthday. Sometimes it was to shame myself into writing more often. Oftentimes, it was to bitchslap (future)me when I was being stupid about BOYS.

I searched my Gmail for all the love-related ones, good or bad. They're sort of like mean Valentines to myself. So here they are. Kind of. I mean, obviously, (some) names have been changed (to Shakespearean characters) to protect the (not so) innocent.

These are all from Past!Me to Future!Me. They're in chronological order, I think.

1!

Subject: YOU

Dear FutureMe,

If you are still fucking around with Lysander, I am going to kick you in the babymaker.

Love,
ME

2!

Subject: Hello from the FUTURE (I mean past...whatever)

Dear FutureMe,

Hi. How are you? You got an email from yourself today (happy birthday, btw) telling you to stop fucking around with Lysander. The good thing is, you already HAD stopped fucking around with Lysander. Good for you! Also, about damn time.

Right now, you like a boy named Horatio. It's a wee bit terrifying. Don't be scared, though. He seems like a nice boy. Maybe you are still in like with him today. Who knows*.

I hope you're happy, wherever you are.

Love,
Yourself

3!

Subject: Happy Birthday!

Dear FutureMe,

[last year’s letter, #2 (heh) right above, was pasted here for my future self’s perusal]

As of today, you are still NOT fucking around with Lysander. GOOD JOB. In fact, you haven't heard from Lysander in months. Not talking to him is, let’s face it, for the best. Hopefully you're continuing to not talk to him, otherwise I might have to time travel and kick your ass. (Do you have a time machine yet? Please tell me I have a time machine in the future.)

The thing about Horatio? Made you giggle a lot because you didn't even like Horatio that much. Maybe you did for a couple of days because you liked his book collection, but a book collection does not a relationship make. He didn't even try to kiss you! He's a stupid [really mean name OMG JENNIE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE]. After taking him to a wedding party, where he talked to no one but your parents (wtf?), you dropped the whole thing.

One night, you decided to drink some wine and watch some movies (STANDARD). And, after a frustrating conversation with Lysander (seriously, do not talk to him), you joined Match.com and winked at a couple boys, something you probably wouldn't have done had you not been drinking**.

You received some responses, some funny, some creepy, some genuine, and then you got Joe's response. It was perfect. The two of you exchanged emails for a week or so and then decided to meet. You met for coffee and, over four hours later, you left the coffee shop grinning. That was that.

In a couple days, you and Heidi are moving into a new apartment. In a year, you and Joe are moving in together. One day, you and Joe are going to get married. Enjoy it.

(but watch out for the swine flu)

love,
me

4!

Subject: Happy Wedding!

Dear FutureMe,

You're getting married tomorrow! Knowing you, you won't be able to sleep tonight. But you should try. Tomorrow will be fine. You're not worried about something going wrong as you write this, so you shouldn't be worried in the future. All you need to think about is that you're marrying your best friend. Everything else will be fine. Enjoy yourself, don't forget to eat, and don't drink too much. No one wants to see a drunk bride***. Or does everyone want to see a drunk bride? I always forget. Anyway. Just don't get PUKING drunk because you leave for WHO KNOWS WHERE**** the next day! I hope you got your passport.

Love,
You

PS: Be nice to everyone.

*nope
**dude, seriously, THANK GOD FOR BOOZE
***oops
****the honeymoon was a surprise from Joe’s parents...we didn’t find out where we were going until, like, the week before the wedding and it was AWESOME