Tuesday, 17 January 2012

It's a good thing I get free upgrades on my soda size at the concession stand.


My life is full of disappointments. Insignificant ones that I’ve forgotten by the time I trip again on the same wrong-fitting shoes, and bigger ones that make me want to take to my journal, scribble how the world has wronged me, and devise plans to fix it all. Perspective is often something I lack in the moment.

I’ve actively boarded my walls against such free falls. I lower, and lower, and then when I think I can’t care about something anymore, find a way to lower my expectations some more. Instead of journal-scribbling, I strategize and my perspective has become infinity times what it was even three years ago.

There are still many places I could use improvement, but by golly does it take a lot for a movie to rattle me. I now expect all movies to be solid gold shit (maesto). Regardless of the plot, the actors, the adaptation, I still assume it will be terrible, just terrible.

Usually, I’m right. Rarely do I leave the theater and think, “Wow, just wow, what a great piece of entertainment and art. Let’s do it again!” Usually, I think, “Yep, another terrible tale from the silver screen! Let me look this up on Rotten Tomatoes and make sure all the critics agree with me.”

Which is what I did after I saw Drive. Based on the description of the movie and the photos of Ryan Gosling, I thought I was going to see a actiony heist movie with a romantical subplot. I did not think I was seeing something I would haaaaaaaate more than anything in the world.

I hated the characters. They were boring, lifeless individuals who spoke in uncompelling glances and smirks. I hated the story. It was uninteresting (as it revolved around these individual and the mafia) and took itself so, so, so seriously. Ryan Gosling actually said OUT LOUD that this movie was his superhero movie. As though Captain America was Chris Evans just selling out. I saw both movies. I will watch put Captain America on my bookshelf and make my mom watch it and get excited (but not my hopes up) for Avengers.

And I will rue the day Drive was made and I will tell everyone I know that it’s the worst thing, that they’ll hate it, that it’s pointlessly 75% insane violence (and I watch a lot of shoot-em-action movies so I’m not real sensitive about loss of life). And I’ll carry this torch until the day I die because critics wet their pants over their love for the movie. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 93% love. This is the WRONG OPINION.

You can trust me, or you can see the movie for yourself, kill yourself, and then, for the rest of your short life, remember that the most often stated lines in the movie (because there isn’t any dialogue to be found) are “a real human being and a real hero” and it’s describing a character who actually stomps the life out of someone’s face in an elevator.


Jennie said...

I haven't seen it yet but am sure I will, because of the Gosling and all.

eclectic said...

It really doesn't matter to me what he's saying or who else is in the movie; I just like looking at Ryan Gosling. *dreamy sigh*

Heather Anne Hogan said...

I was surprised by how much I loved Captain America. All of it. It was such a treat.

I didn't see Drive, though, because you and Amanda Mae seemed to hate it more than any piece of entertainment ever offered up for public consumption. I see now that I was correct to abstain.

Ashley said...

The first 10 minutes of Drive were awesome and then . . . TOILET.

Abigail said...

Yep, I'd love to see the movie that the first ten minutes were about.

Kerri Anne said...

I heard about that elevator stomping scene (and others) and decided I cared even less about seeing Drive than I did when I saw the first preview. I feel like a strange and unintentional minority in that I have no real emotion whatsoever when it comes to Ryan Gosling; I seem to possess only a somewhat unexplainable apathy toward him and his face, and his body, and his acting (or lack thereof).

I've never seen The Notebook (a fact that routinely surprises people, though I'm not entirely sure why, being that the premise is the precise sort of manipulative drivel I can't stand to read, let alone waste two hours of my life watching), and have no intention of ever remedying that apparent cinematic deficit.

I'll herein admit to being interested in Crazy, Stupid, Love, but mostly because I dig Steve Carrell in films and have had a huge girl crush on Emma Stone ever since Zombieland.

Jennie said...

My love for Ryan Gosling has nothing to do with The Notebook so I honestly don't know where it came from. Mickey Mouse Club?