Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Air turns to water when dioxide tempts the hydrogen.

When assigned this week's theme, I fretted and worried about what to write, because even though I am an ornery little girl, I happen to like a lot, like Ryan Adams and Wes Anderson movies, crossword puzzles, t-shirts, bugs, swearing, some of my ex-boyfriends (but not all of them), my current boyfriend (but then again, so does everybody), booze and books and ice cream cake and Jude Law and did I mention booze? And also cooking and birds and live performances and Howard Zinn and booze and hats and scarves and mittens and solo acoustic Mike Doughty (but not wussy Dave Matthews-ified Mike Doughty) and the occasional recreational drug use. (Sorry readers of Heather! Anne!, but my parents didn't love me enough so I act out in inappropriate and often illegal ways.) And also booze.

So when it came time to write this post I panicked a little, Procrastinated a lot (see Abigail!'s post below), and pondered and pondered and pondered once more. And then it hit me! The one thing that every single everybody should like is water, of course.

Now before you get all up in my grill, all up in arms about this radical suggestion, hear me out. Water. Is. Awesome. And now I'll tell you why, in three easy pieces.

1. Your very own human body is anywhere between 55% to a whopping 78% water. It therefore stands to reason that if you hate water, YOU HATE YOURSELF. And trust me, nobody likes anybody who hates themselves. You want to be popular, don't you? THEN LIKE WATER.

2. Why, you may ask yourself, is my body so watery? Well the answer is simple. Water is vital both as a solvent (allowing your body to maintain homeostasis) and as an essential part of metabolism (the sum total of anabolism and catabolism). In other words, the water in your blood helps it to carry oxygen to all of your body's cells, without which your cells would DIE and your body would DIE and you'd be DEAD. Plus you need water to help your body digest food and remove waste, so without water you'd stop PEEING and POOPING and then you'd be full of shit and nobody likes anybody who is full of shit. You want to be popular, don't you? THEN LIKE WATER.

3. You need water to make booze. AND BOOZE IS AWESOME. You want to be popular, don't you? THEN LIKE BOOZE.

Basically, if you don't like water then you won't have any friends or you'll be dead (or sober), and nobody wants to be unpopular or dead. (Or sober.) So for all these reasons, and a very many more (having to do with booze), it is my personal opinion that water is important and therefore everyone should like it.

The end.

No comments: