I'm an asshole.

1. I think I'm better than you.

And I'll definitely make sure you know it.

Don't believe me? Don't say I didn't warn you.

2. I'm smarter than you.

Let's ignore the fact that I took two bar exams at the same time--including the dreaded New York exam--and passed both WITH FLYING COLORS, that I graduated from one of the top 20 law schools in the country, that I triple majored in college, that I graduated 11th in my high school class. Yes, let us ignore all of those very persuasive truthinesses and focus on the absolutely, positively STUNNING fact that I scored a 780 on the English section of the SATs. 780 in 1995 points, that is, which translates to ONLY ONE QUESTION ANSWERED INCORRECTLY.

And how did you do?

3. I'm prettier than you.
You know how I know? Because I was on the Homecoming Court in college, and everybody knows that the only thing that matters in college is how pretty you are. And also how drunk you are, which I assure you I AM RIGHT NOW VERY MUCH SO THANK YOU.

But please, don't take my word for it. Here are some testimonials about my unsurpassed beauty that you can find around the internets. Assuming, of course, that you're smart enough to know where to find them:

Abigail says: You are fucking awesome.

Anonymous says: You have a beautiful soul, to match your pretty face.

And also: You are very attractive, and I believed that before I even knew what you looked like.

And also: You are both pretty and a talented writer, which under most circumstances would make me hate you a little.

Ashbloem says: You are so pretty.

Brandon says: WOW

Dustin says: Hawt.

Heather says: You could not BE any cuter.

Jennie says: Gangsta.

Jenny says: super cute

Jill says: You're too cute. I can't even stand how cute you are.

Sarah says: Adorable. Don't deny it.

Sheryl says: That is so adorable

Trisha says: Wowsa!

Do you want more? No? I don't blame you. It's hard to face just how damn pretty I am.

4. I'm good at everything I try.

Seriously. I was a high school All-State soccer player. I am a published poet. I skied and ice skated like a pro on the very first try. I cook. I knit. I embroider. I paint.

Have you made an origami Yoda? I think not. AND, to add insult to injury, I wrote the perfect post.

So you should stop trying already, because you'll never be as good at everything as I am.

5. I just don't think I'm better than you, I actually am better than you.

True story.