I had a lot of hate. This is really long. (That's what she said.)

If I was given unlimited power for one day, the first thing I would do is banish Two and a Half Men from the airwaves. And then? I'd erase all memory of Two and a Half Men from the collective unconscious of the world.

There are a lot of unfunny people on a lot of unfunny TV shows right now. According to Jim. Carpoolers. The George Lopez Show (is that still on?) Pretty much any comedy on CBS that isn't How I Met Your Mother. And let's not forget syndicated shows. Because if I flip past one more goddamn episode of King of Queens I am going to hunt down Kevin James and force feed him his little brown shorts. But the thing about these shows? They're not nominated for awards. They're not consistently the #1 watched comedy in America. Oh no, that honor falls to Two and a Half Men.

That's right. Not The Office. Not 30 Rock. Two and a Half Men. Let that sink in while I tell you why you should hate it.

It's not funny. The characters are one dimensional and that one dimension sucks. As far as I can see, there is not one redeeming thing about it. It even has a laugh track, which I don't find annoying on good shows (see: How I Met Your Mother, Friends), but I find it downright distracting on this show because I spend more time thinking, "wait, I'm supposed to think that's funny? Whaaa?" than paying attention to the story.

Not only is this show not funny, but WORSE STILL, every fan of the show thinks it is the funniest thing to ever grace the airwaves. I know this, because some of these fans are my own family. Every time the show comes up at a family gathering, I feel obliged to say, "I HATE THAT SHOW IT'S NOT FUNNY BLAAARG," and this leads to everyone else saying, "oh, but Jennie, the little kid is so funny and Charlie Sheen is a riot and THE OFFICE SUCKS LET ME JUST GO AHEAD AND STAB YOU RIGHT IN THE HEART."

To prove to you how very NOT funny this show is, I have undertaken the greatest challenge I may ever face. I watched an entire episode. I hope you enjoy this recap more than I enjoyed writing it.

The episode, which TiVo tells me is called "I Can't Afford Hyenas," opens with Charlie Sheen (Charlie) and the kid (no idea what his name is, so let's call him Halfsie, since I'm assuming he's the half a man) watching some game. Jon Cryer (who will be referred to as Duckie for the remainder of this post) walks in and Halfsie is all, "guess what, we're covering the spread," and I'm going to be honest with you. I have no idea what that means. I'm assuming it has something to do with gambling because LATER they talk about Charlie's gambling problem (context clues DERRR). So Duckie is angry that Halfsie is learning how to gamble but then DING-DONG PIZZA'S HERE OOH SOMETHING SHINY. Charlie is all, "I bet that's the pizza," and Halfsie's like, "What's the spread?" and Charlie says, "Pepperoni," like OH HOW CLEVER, SHOW.

Then there are some more gambling jokes and Charlie tips the pizza guy like 800 dollars because he's "not good at math," and "has a beautiful mind," like OH HOW CLEVER, SHOW.

The next day, their fat maid comes over. You may be interested to know that the fat maid is the same woman who kicked Winona Ryder's ass in Mr. Deeds. She tells Charlie she tried to buy groceries with his credit card and they cut it up because HA HA he's not good with money. Apparently he doesn't pay bills. He has "a guy" who pays the bills. And, you guys, I kid you not, but this "guy" is played by guest star Richard Lewis. Who did I piss off to get stuck watching an episode with Richard fucking Lewis in it? I hate that guy. Anyway, I'm sure you'll be surprised to find out that Richard Lewis is this shady accountant with crime scene tape around his front door, who is also on the run from the FBI. ALSO, Charlie is out of money and there's some stupid analogy involving water as money flow and a cup as financial well-being and this goes on FOREVER and basically what it all means is that Charlie is a fucking idiot.

So Duckie's pissed that his free ride (oh! Duckie and Halfsie live with Charlie for some reason and that reason is so there can be a show called Two and a Half Men that makes me want to scrape my eyes out with a dull, rusty knife) is in trouble so he tells Charlie he has to make a budget and then all the sudden some woman just walks right into the house. Her name is Rose and she's that girl from Sweet Home Alabama who brings her baby into the bar. I don't know. She offers to give Charlie some money, but he's all, "no, no, I couldn't possibly," even though last year he apparently spent $80,000 on women and gambling and I'm not sure if they're implying Charlie is into hookers, but if so? That's like the greatest thing this show has ever done because Charlie Sheen = likes hookers. Ha! That will be the only time I laugh for 30 minutes.

THEN, they go to the grocery and Charlie can't figure out how coupons work so he throws a bunch of hamburger helper in the cart because HAHA poor people are hilarious! They eat cheap pasta dishes because a talking hand tells them to! Let us laugh and be merry! He sees a pretty lady and tells her she doesn't NEED the Lean Cuisines in her cart, like . . . real smooth, Casanova, aren't you supposed to be a ladies man? I'll bet he hasn't even gotten his first case of The Syph yet. Amateur. THEN she sees generic cheese and vodka in his cart and is all, "wtf . . . peace OUT," and I'd call her a stuck up bitch, but would you want to go out with someone who might serve you grocery store vodka?

Later, Halfsie and Charlie are watching football and Halfsie can't believe they're not gambling because apparently he's already got a gambling problem. The doorbell rings and Duckie gets his panties in a wad because he realizes Charlie ordered a pizza. The pizza guy, who normally has a huge boner for Charlie because of all the big tips, goes completely flaccid when he realizes Charlie learned about math and won't be tipping him 300% anymore.

Charlie decides to ask his mom (played by Holland Taylor . . . my god, woman, what are you doing?) for money, even though she'll probably give him a huge guilt trip. He makes her a screwdriver out of the generic vodka and a giant carton of orange juice concentrate because HA HA poor people are hilarious! They buy gigantic household products that barely fit in their doublewides! Let us laugh and be merry! Anyway, Charlie asks her for money, she writes him a check, and then he flips his shit FOR NO RAISIN and rips it up. WTF, SHOW?!

Later, Rose (remember her?) comes over and Charlie is sitting at his piano in the dark. She's all, "why is it so dark in here?" and he says, "because electricity is expensive," like OH HOW CLEVER, SHOW.

Anyway, she gives him the money because apparently she suddenly owns a bank. Just . . . what? Do you see how this show sucks? The storylines are barely storylines, the "humor" is so fucking obvious that you can guess the punchlines before the character even says them, Halfsie can't act, Charlie Sheen wears really fugly shirts THE WHOLE TIME, and perhaps the greatest offense? The show boasts such an annoying theme song that, even if you hear only one second of it, it will be stuck in your head for the rest of eternity. I'd link to it, but I would never do that to you guys. Instead, I will throw myself on this bomb for you and live with that song in my head until my dying day.

YOU'RE WELCOME.