Thursday, 24 January 2008

and everybody, yeah, tries to put my sloopy down

Jennie Someone once told me that the only thing worth doing in Ohio is . . . you know what? I'm not going to tell you what he said, because it's inappropriate. But, as much as I complain about living here, it really isn't THAT BAD. Only, this week's topic isn't "Why You Shouldn't Think ____ is THAT BAD," it's "Why You Should Like ____." So I'm not here to tell you why Ohio isn't THAT BAD. I'm going to tell you why you should LIKE Ohio. Maybe even love it.

No. Not love it. That's excessive.

Ohio is home to the Smucker's plant. Smucker's JELLY. Or jam. Whatever, it's delicious. Remember when you were a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

Wright-Patterson Air Force Base is something else Ohio can be proud of, for it APPARENTLY houses a UFO. Or UFO parts. I've never seen this UFO or even any bits of a UFO, because this one time I accidentally got lost over by the base, and a nice young man with a gun stopped me and asked me to turn around.

OSU is smack dab in the middle of Ohio, but I'm not even going to talk about that, because OSU fans are so rabid and crazy (yeah, I said it), I'm afraid of what they might do to me if they thought I didn't give the Buckeyes enough praise.

Eight! US! Presidents! are from Ohio. Or, really, seven were born here and another one was living here when he was elected or something, so it counts as eight. Don't argue with me. Ohio is called The Mother of Presidents because of how many US Presidents burst forth from her loins. You know, according to the Internets. I've never heard it called that before, but I'm not very observant so the fact that I've never heard of it? Means NOTHING. But anyway, is your state The Mother of Presidents? Did your state squeeze eight fully grown men out of its hooha straight into the White House? And they weren't all crappy Presidents like Zachary Taylor (lame and also . . . not from Ohio) or our current one, who is not from Ohio either, so let us add another point to the pro column, shall we?

Um, anyway. Lots of famous people are from Ohio. SOMETIMES famous people are even the mayor of Cincinnati before they're famous. But whatever. Famous non-mayors include: Wes Craven, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Halle Berry, Martin Sheen, Toni Morrison, Stephen Spielberg, Bill Watterson, Dave Grohl, Drew Carey, Bart Simpson*, Dave Chappelle, Dr. Karev, Katie Holmes AND Tom Cruise (dude, I know he's crazy, but he's also crazy famous, so suck it), Allison Janney, the Lowes Rob and Chad (that is three people from The West Wing!), Paul Newman, John Legend, John Glenn, Neil Armstrong (!), OK, I'm tired of listing people, so just go look here. I think everyone in the world might be from Ohio.

Also! Some of my favorite fictional characters are from Ohio. Like Alex P. Keaton. Ted Mosby, ARCHITECT. And (doctor) John Michael Dorian. Also the Solomans. They were technically from another planet, but they chose Ohio for their Earth-home. Plus, I'm from Ohio. I'm not fictional, but some of the stuff I say is.

Also! I almost forgot the Wright Brothers. Which is ridiculous because A) they are from the same TOWN as me, and B) I really like flying in planes. I mean, don't you like being able to fly to Vegas and pick up hookers and/or get married whenever you want? Well, you can thank Ohio for giving birth to the Wright Brothers EVEN THOUGH she was probably really tired after raising eight US presidents. And North Carolina? Will you stop trying to steal our thunder with this "First in Flight" business? Please. The Wright Brothers may have flown their first plane at Kitty Hawk, but they did all the work in Dayton. All the BRAINPOWER came from Ohio. It's like, Ohio was the brain and North Carolina was the body that had to do what the brain told it. So just . . . stop. You have the ocean! THE OCEAN! STOP TRYING TO TAKE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS FROM US.

There is something even more important than the Wright Brothers, though, and that something? BIG BUTTER JESUS (aka Giant Jesus aka Touchdown Jesus). MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.

Also! Kat's favorite band is from Ohio. I'd say that pretty much clinches it right there. I'm not trying to say my state is BETTER than yours. Just that it's pretty damn good, OK? So stop talking shit about Ohio or I'll kick you in the (buckeye) nut.

*my mom went to HS with her

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