Thursday, 10 January 2008

could I BE more of an asshole?

1. I am constantly yelling/singing/whistling.

My dad and I had a habit of whistling constantly when I lived at home, because it drove my mom nuts. I mean, you have to be a special kind of asshole to do something ON PURPOSE to drive someone else crazy, and well . . . I'm that kind of asshole. (Also, my normal speaking voice when I'm excited? Is yelling. And, I sing as loudly as possible the minute I walk into my apartment, usually Oasis, but sometimes SOMETIMES, if my neighbors are lucky, The Sound of Music.)

2. I can't keep a secret.

I mean, if it's a BIG secret? Like you told me where the Pope Stone was? I could keep that. But if you tell me that you like someone or that you stole the Pope Stone? I'd find that person I could and be all, "psst, so and so likes you and also stole the Pope Stone," but I wouldn't tell them where you hid it.

3. I never answer the phone.

It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just . . . yeah, I don't want to talk to you.

4. I'm a wonder killer.

Like, if you're innocently wondering why the sky is so clear tonight (mutant ozone) or why orange juice tastes bad after brushing your teeth (because you brushed all the plaque off, OJ always tastes that bad) or why zombies come back from the dead (crazy monkey virus)? You don't want an answer, right? You're just wondering? Thinking out loud? Too bad. I will provide an answer, regardless of whether or not I really know the right one.

5. I know everything and am always right.

Don't blame me. It's genetic. My father's family knows everything and I learned it from them (also, so did my DNA). They know the right way to do anything and everything and if you're not doing it OUR way? You're doing it wrong. I'd publish a rule book, but I'm pretty sure you have to marry into it.

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