You guys should know that Heather! Anne! is like the Queen of Questions. And so I was very intimidated when it came time to interview her, because what if she thought my questions were stupid and refused to answer them? Then! I realized that she'd never do that, because Heather! Anne! is ALSO the Queen of Being a Good Person. And (girl) you know it's true, because I am the Queen of Being a Terrible Liar.1. Sometimes when people call me Jennifer Lynn, I think I'm in trouble. Do you ever feel that way when people call you Heather Anne?
When people call me Heather Anne I just feel lucky they’re not calling me regular Heather, because: a) Regular Heather means “shrub.” And b) regular Heather is the name of one out of every three women in the world.
2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Batgirl.
3. Say I gave you a time machine with a (clear) titanium bubble around it. Where would you go first?
After checking to make absolutely certain that it was surrounded by said (clear) titanium bubble, I’d go to Bath in December of ’05, and make sure Past Heather got to the Jane Austen House before it closed. Then I’d kick Past Heather in a ditch and take the trip with Past Sister. Because it was two of the best weeks of my life.
4. Would you try to change something in the past so it might affect the future? (please say 2000 election)
No, but I would buy a sports almanac in the future so I could make some bets when I got back to the present. That probably wouldn’t change anything though.
5. Remember when everyone thought Al Gore was just this uptight dude who loved his lock box?
Sarah Vowell’s Partly Cloudy Patriot is a great book of essays on politics and life and America. She has this mad crush on Al Gore and says one of the funniest things about him in the chapter called The Nerd Voice: “Earth in the Balance features countless hints that Gore’s life is an ongoing study hall. ‘Beginning in January 1981, I spent many hours each week for more than thirteen months intensively studying the nuclear arms race,’ he says. January 1981—I bet it was his New Year’s Resolution. Every other member of Congress was vowing to cut back on hookers, but then-Senator Gore probably French kissed Tipper at midnight and made a mental pledge to really get a handle on those ICBMs.”
Vowell thinks Gore didn’t get elected because he’s a nerd. I think he actually did get elected.
6. Kat's like the greatest cook ever, right? What was your favorite thing she made on Thanksgiving?
Remember how Kat planned that menu for weeks and weeks, making sure everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving things were on the list? Turkey and mashed potatoes and two kinds of gravy and stuffing and green bean casserole and rolls and PIE! That was the best meal in the history of meals.
7. You and Abigail went on a midnight (or later) tour of DC during the Thanksgiving miracle. What was your favorite stop on the tour?
We made a video. I have to find it.
8. How awesome is it that Abigail wanted to go on a tour of DC at midnight (or later)? She's so fun.
Abigail wanting to tour D.C. at 2:00 a.m. is so standard Abigail. Here is a true story: when people are around The Schilbot, they become the very best versions of themselves.
9. That wasn't really a question. Sorry.
Sorry. Heh.
10. What would you have changed about the final Harry Potter book?
Lupin and Tonks would have lived. But how badass was Molly Weasley in that book? “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” You tell ‘em, Mollwobbles!
11. In the near future, Science will figure out a way to clone dinosaurs (note: it is not from extracting their blood from fossilized mosquitoes) and THAT'S NOT ALL. When they clone the dinosaurs, they can clone them in pet size. My question is, what kind of dinosaur would you get as a pet? Also, what would you name him/her?
I am scared of dinosaurs, which: not surprising. I wouldn’t have one as a pet. Amy recently told me chicken embryos are basically dinosaurs. She saw it on Discovery. Weird, huh?
12. So, you're the nicest person in the whole entire world. What's that like?
Remember on Buffy how Angel was real great because in his old life he ate up a bunch of souls? Same kind of thing.
13. Women seem to really dig this Mr. Darcy character. Why do you think that is?
Something about wet shirts and thunderstorms.
14. Fact: You love Jane Austen. Question: If you guys were neighbors back in jolly old England, would you have snuck into her house every day to read what she was writing?
Fact: Totally. I’d read it and be all, “For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?” And then I’d be like, “Wait, is she mocking me?”
Question: That is your favorite Austen quote, is it not, Jennifer Lynn? [editor's note: indeed it is]
15. Jo is really the best out of all the Little Women, right?
Yes. And when I rewrote the ending, she married Laurie. And Beth lived. (Louisa May, no worries. I was happy to fix your mistakes.)
16. How come you're so scared of bears? Panda bears are cute, right? Especially baby ones?
Bears eat beets. Bears beets Battlestar Galactica. Bears will rip you to smithereens and devour your brain. (But yes, please, I would like to order one (1) panda bear cub.)
17. What is the best thing about the Internets?
Wackopedia.
18. What's the worst thing?
The person who wrote the Gossip Girl book summaries on Wackopedia.
19. Do you think there'll ever be a time when a boy can swim as fast as a shark?
Viktor Krum can swim as fast as a shark, but even so, he is no Ron Weasley.
20. Did you know I stole that question from The Office (British version)?
Sometimes thievery is necessary. (See: Jean Valjean of Les Miserbles and Aladdin of Aladdin.)
21. What's your idea of a perfect day?
Cartoons and a good book and a good movie and a hug. Or two hugs. And double—no, triple pancakes!
22. What do you think really happened to the lost city of Atlantis?
If by Atlantis you mean the universal remote that controls my DVD player, television, and stereo, I have no idea. It may be trapped in the nether regions of my couch.
23. Books or food?
You can’t read food, but books are made out of paper, which comes from trees, which is a plant, as are fruits, such as watermelons. So…books are readable and edible. I choose books.
24. Moe's or Chipotle?
Moe’s!
25. Pancakes or cookies?
Pancakes! (In the equation Pancakes vs. Any Other Food, I always choose pancakes.)
26. When was your last good swoon?
When I watched those YouTube clips of Mr. Darcy.
27. Remember when we were in like elementary school? And we were told that one day we'd be able to live on the moon? When is this happening?
I went to elementary school in rural Georgia in the 80s. I learned that the cash crop of my state is peanuts, that peanuts are also called goobers, and that a chicken can flop around for up to ten minutes after you break its neck.
28. Who is your favorite Friend? ALSO, which Friend are you most like? ALSO, do you find Ross annoying or endearing?
Ross is my favorite. I am most like Ross. I find Ross endearing. PIVOT!
29. What inspires you to write? (Besides the fact that you're awesome at it and stuff)
“Why do you write tonight, Heather Anne?” Amy often asks.
“The same reason I write every night,” I always say. “To try and take over the WORLD!”
Also, I can’t not write. I have tried. It’s the weirdest compulsion.
30. What is your favorite basketball related memory?
One night—when I was a senior in high school—I was supposed to score my 1,000th career point against the East Hall Vikings. It was kind of a big deal; only one girl in my high school had done it before me. The game was packed out and there were lots of reporters there and college scouts and the plaque was already prepared and they were going to stop the game when I scored my 1,000th point and give me the ball and I was going to take it up in the stands and give it to my parents. But, well, I choked. Near the end of the fourth quarter it was obvious that I wasn’t going to score enough to reach 1,000. I had never felt so defeated, like such a failure, in my whole life. I was a hamster’s breath away from absolutely falling apart on the court. And then I looked up into the stands. My dad caught my eye. He smiled. Then he did the craziest thing: he stood up and started clapping. I failed, and hard. But he didn’t care. My dad just stood there in that sea of sitting people and clapped and clapped and clapped, like 990 points was the most impressive thing he’d ever heard of, like he loved me no matter what, like a fool.
31. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid? Do you still have it?
Legos were my favorite toys. And oh, yes, I still have them. Like six humongous bathtub-size bins full of them.
32. The Sex & the City Movie: good or bad idea?
As long as Aidan Frikkin Shaw doesn’t show up on my screen, good idea. (Have you seen the trailer? Jennifer Hudson looks so great!)
33. What's your favorite John Mayer song?
Back to You from the Inside Wants Out album. NOT the Room for Squares album.
34. Aren't you glad he's not dating Jessica Simpson anymore?
Seriously, somebody please tell me what that was about. Oh, right: boobies.
35. How much chocolate do you think you could eat before you threw up? Hee.
What a stupid question! What kind of person asks a question like that! (Hee.) Seriously, though, six pounds.
36. Who was the first fictional person you fell in love with?
Doug Dorsey from The Cutting Edge. (“Somewhere in the middle of this I fell in love with you. I’m saying I love you. I’m saying it out loud. Don’t say we’re not right for each other because the way I see it we might not be right for anybody else. I need you. I need you.”)
37. Who was the last?
The little mouse from The Tale of Desperaux, which I just reread for about the dozenth time. (“I honor you. I honor you.”)
38. What's your favorite thing about coaching?
My basketball team is as un-athletic as a gaggle of one-legged geese, but when they’re at practice and at games, they never, ever think about how hard it is to be twelve years old—about boyfriends and bra size and who’s invited to what party and how they don’t have the right clothes, because for 90 solid minutes I tell them how great they are. That is my favorite thing about coaching: loving kids so they can love themselves.
39. What's your favorite movie quote?
“Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!” – Billy Mack, Love Actually
40. Approximately how many hours a day do you spend with TWoP?
Depends on how close Bette and Tina got to reconciliation on Sunday night’s L Word. And whether or not Jacob is recapping any show ever. So: a lot of hours.
41. Do you think LOL cats will always be funny?
I think the phrase “when pigs fly” should be changed to “when LOL Cats cease to be funny.”
42. I'm ending on question 42 because Douglas Adams told me that 42 is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. What's your answer?
In the early 80s, I had a DOS-based Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Game. It was so primitive and so awesome and I played it instead of eating food. Huh. I guess my family should have known then that I had a propensity for computer addiction. Anyway, my answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is: Don’t buy drugs, kids. Become a rock star and people will give them to you for free!
When people call me Heather Anne I just feel lucky they’re not calling me regular Heather, because: a) Regular Heather means “shrub.” And b) regular Heather is the name of one out of every three women in the world.
2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Batgirl.
3. Say I gave you a time machine with a (clear) titanium bubble around it. Where would you go first?
After checking to make absolutely certain that it was surrounded by said (clear) titanium bubble, I’d go to Bath in December of ’05, and make sure Past Heather got to the Jane Austen House before it closed. Then I’d kick Past Heather in a ditch and take the trip with Past Sister. Because it was two of the best weeks of my life.
4. Would you try to change something in the past so it might affect the future? (please say 2000 election)
No, but I would buy a sports almanac in the future so I could make some bets when I got back to the present. That probably wouldn’t change anything though.
5. Remember when everyone thought Al Gore was just this uptight dude who loved his lock box?
Sarah Vowell’s Partly Cloudy Patriot is a great book of essays on politics and life and America. She has this mad crush on Al Gore and says one of the funniest things about him in the chapter called The Nerd Voice: “Earth in the Balance features countless hints that Gore’s life is an ongoing study hall. ‘Beginning in January 1981, I spent many hours each week for more than thirteen months intensively studying the nuclear arms race,’ he says. January 1981—I bet it was his New Year’s Resolution. Every other member of Congress was vowing to cut back on hookers, but then-Senator Gore probably French kissed Tipper at midnight and made a mental pledge to really get a handle on those ICBMs.”
Vowell thinks Gore didn’t get elected because he’s a nerd. I think he actually did get elected.
6. Kat's like the greatest cook ever, right? What was your favorite thing she made on Thanksgiving?
Remember how Kat planned that menu for weeks and weeks, making sure everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving things were on the list? Turkey and mashed potatoes and two kinds of gravy and stuffing and green bean casserole and rolls and PIE! That was the best meal in the history of meals.
7. You and Abigail went on a midnight (or later) tour of DC during the Thanksgiving miracle. What was your favorite stop on the tour?
We made a video. I have to find it.
8. How awesome is it that Abigail wanted to go on a tour of DC at midnight (or later)? She's so fun.
Abigail wanting to tour D.C. at 2:00 a.m. is so standard Abigail. Here is a true story: when people are around The Schilbot, they become the very best versions of themselves.
9. That wasn't really a question. Sorry.
Sorry. Heh.
10. What would you have changed about the final Harry Potter book?
Lupin and Tonks would have lived. But how badass was Molly Weasley in that book? “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” You tell ‘em, Mollwobbles!
11. In the near future, Science will figure out a way to clone dinosaurs (note: it is not from extracting their blood from fossilized mosquitoes) and THAT'S NOT ALL. When they clone the dinosaurs, they can clone them in pet size. My question is, what kind of dinosaur would you get as a pet? Also, what would you name him/her?
I am scared of dinosaurs, which: not surprising. I wouldn’t have one as a pet. Amy recently told me chicken embryos are basically dinosaurs. She saw it on Discovery. Weird, huh?
12. So, you're the nicest person in the whole entire world. What's that like?
Remember on Buffy how Angel was real great because in his old life he ate up a bunch of souls? Same kind of thing.
13. Women seem to really dig this Mr. Darcy character. Why do you think that is?
Something about wet shirts and thunderstorms.
14. Fact: You love Jane Austen. Question: If you guys were neighbors back in jolly old England, would you have snuck into her house every day to read what she was writing?
Fact: Totally. I’d read it and be all, “For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?” And then I’d be like, “Wait, is she mocking me?”
Question: That is your favorite Austen quote, is it not, Jennifer Lynn? [editor's note: indeed it is]
15. Jo is really the best out of all the Little Women, right?
Yes. And when I rewrote the ending, she married Laurie. And Beth lived. (Louisa May, no worries. I was happy to fix your mistakes.)
16. How come you're so scared of bears? Panda bears are cute, right? Especially baby ones?
Bears eat beets. Bears beets Battlestar Galactica. Bears will rip you to smithereens and devour your brain. (But yes, please, I would like to order one (1) panda bear cub.)
17. What is the best thing about the Internets?
Wackopedia.
18. What's the worst thing?
The person who wrote the Gossip Girl book summaries on Wackopedia.
19. Do you think there'll ever be a time when a boy can swim as fast as a shark?
Viktor Krum can swim as fast as a shark, but even so, he is no Ron Weasley.
20. Did you know I stole that question from The Office (British version)?
Sometimes thievery is necessary. (See: Jean Valjean of Les Miserbles and Aladdin of Aladdin.)
21. What's your idea of a perfect day?
Cartoons and a good book and a good movie and a hug. Or two hugs. And double—no, triple pancakes!
22. What do you think really happened to the lost city of Atlantis?
If by Atlantis you mean the universal remote that controls my DVD player, television, and stereo, I have no idea. It may be trapped in the nether regions of my couch.
23. Books or food?
You can’t read food, but books are made out of paper, which comes from trees, which is a plant, as are fruits, such as watermelons. So…books are readable and edible. I choose books.
24. Moe's or Chipotle?
Moe’s!
25. Pancakes or cookies?
Pancakes! (In the equation Pancakes vs. Any Other Food, I always choose pancakes.)
26. When was your last good swoon?
When I watched those YouTube clips of Mr. Darcy.
27. Remember when we were in like elementary school? And we were told that one day we'd be able to live on the moon? When is this happening?
I went to elementary school in rural Georgia in the 80s. I learned that the cash crop of my state is peanuts, that peanuts are also called goobers, and that a chicken can flop around for up to ten minutes after you break its neck.
28. Who is your favorite Friend? ALSO, which Friend are you most like? ALSO, do you find Ross annoying or endearing?
Ross is my favorite. I am most like Ross. I find Ross endearing. PIVOT!
29. What inspires you to write? (Besides the fact that you're awesome at it and stuff)
“Why do you write tonight, Heather Anne?” Amy often asks.
“The same reason I write every night,” I always say. “To try and take over the WORLD!”
Also, I can’t not write. I have tried. It’s the weirdest compulsion.
30. What is your favorite basketball related memory?
One night—when I was a senior in high school—I was supposed to score my 1,000th career point against the East Hall Vikings. It was kind of a big deal; only one girl in my high school had done it before me. The game was packed out and there were lots of reporters there and college scouts and the plaque was already prepared and they were going to stop the game when I scored my 1,000th point and give me the ball and I was going to take it up in the stands and give it to my parents. But, well, I choked. Near the end of the fourth quarter it was obvious that I wasn’t going to score enough to reach 1,000. I had never felt so defeated, like such a failure, in my whole life. I was a hamster’s breath away from absolutely falling apart on the court. And then I looked up into the stands. My dad caught my eye. He smiled. Then he did the craziest thing: he stood up and started clapping. I failed, and hard. But he didn’t care. My dad just stood there in that sea of sitting people and clapped and clapped and clapped, like 990 points was the most impressive thing he’d ever heard of, like he loved me no matter what, like a fool.
31. What was your favorite toy when you were a kid? Do you still have it?
Legos were my favorite toys. And oh, yes, I still have them. Like six humongous bathtub-size bins full of them.
32. The Sex & the City Movie: good or bad idea?
As long as Aidan Frikkin Shaw doesn’t show up on my screen, good idea. (Have you seen the trailer? Jennifer Hudson looks so great!)
33. What's your favorite John Mayer song?
Back to You from the Inside Wants Out album. NOT the Room for Squares album.
34. Aren't you glad he's not dating Jessica Simpson anymore?
Seriously, somebody please tell me what that was about. Oh, right: boobies.
35. How much chocolate do you think you could eat before you threw up? Hee.
What a stupid question! What kind of person asks a question like that! (Hee.) Seriously, though, six pounds.
36. Who was the first fictional person you fell in love with?
Doug Dorsey from The Cutting Edge. (“Somewhere in the middle of this I fell in love with you. I’m saying I love you. I’m saying it out loud. Don’t say we’re not right for each other because the way I see it we might not be right for anybody else. I need you. I need you.”)
37. Who was the last?
The little mouse from The Tale of Desperaux, which I just reread for about the dozenth time. (“I honor you. I honor you.”)
38. What's your favorite thing about coaching?
My basketball team is as un-athletic as a gaggle of one-legged geese, but when they’re at practice and at games, they never, ever think about how hard it is to be twelve years old—about boyfriends and bra size and who’s invited to what party and how they don’t have the right clothes, because for 90 solid minutes I tell them how great they are. That is my favorite thing about coaching: loving kids so they can love themselves.
39. What's your favorite movie quote?
“Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!” – Billy Mack, Love Actually
40. Approximately how many hours a day do you spend with TWoP?
Depends on how close Bette and Tina got to reconciliation on Sunday night’s L Word. And whether or not Jacob is recapping any show ever. So: a lot of hours.
41. Do you think LOL cats will always be funny?
I think the phrase “when pigs fly” should be changed to “when LOL Cats cease to be funny.”
42. I'm ending on question 42 because Douglas Adams told me that 42 is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. What's your answer?
In the early 80s, I had a DOS-based Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Game. It was so primitive and so awesome and I played it instead of eating food. Huh. I guess my family should have known then that I had a propensity for computer addiction. Anyway, my answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is: Don’t buy drugs, kids. Become a rock star and people will give them to you for free!
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