Heather! Anne! says: Schilbo! is an asshole

One of the best things about being besties with Abigail is that we are in near-constant agreement about things that suck. (Glee, for example.) And on the flip-side we love almost all the same TV and movies, so we can take turns evangelizing each other about things that are awesome. (I introduced her to her boyfriend, Chuck Bartowski, for example.) Schilbo never gets her TV recommendations wrong, and every time she has suggested a series to me, I always, always, always end up owning it on DVD.

My favorite moment when I watch what she tells me to watch is the ah-ha! when I figure out why she loves what she loves. I know her pretty good, my Abigail M. Schilling, so it's not very hard to crack the code. Like White Collar, which opens up its second season tonight. Here's why she loves it:



(Thank you, Ashely.)

The best recommendation she ever recommended was Veronica Mars, not just 'cause it's AWESOME, but because it's like Schilbo 101. Abigail is Veronica Mars. She's got the inexplicable hots for Logan, yeah, but it's more than that. She also has this unique brand of loyalty and a marshmallow center and a fervent, unquenchable need to know everything about everything.

If I want to know something, I Wackopedia it, skim for my answer, then go about my merry business. If, by some Satanic interference, the answer isn't on Wackopedia, I might Google it. Abigail will read an entire fucking Wackopedia entry and read every link it references and every link the reference links reference. I've watched her go to page eight of Google results, which is just insane. If it's not answerable on the first page of Google, it's unanswerable. Get on with your life.

The asshole part of her personality comes because of having to know everything about everyone. I have in my possession a journal of hers from when she was in middle school, and I'm telling you, it is a masterwork. She's got the text about her friends and what they're doing and why, and then she's got cross-references ("Refer to the notes in my top desk drawer") and code ("You'll know where to find this information if you remember where the crow crosses paths with the chicken.") and editor's notes ("Jessica's actions one year later are congruent with the assertions I made about her character in sixth grade.").

OK, and that's not asshole-y just by itself. The real asshole-y part comes when she never forgets anything (like ever). And she will pull that shit out and force you to look at it at the most inconvenient time.

Look, sometimes I just want to make a really bad decision. And sometimes I have to lie to myself a little so I can go through with it, but it's impossible to do something stupid when Abigail is watching over you.

"I'm going to have drinks with so and so."

"No, you're not; you'll sleep with her."

"No, I won't; it's just drinks."

"Please note the dates and times of the following Gchat transcripts, AOL chats, emails and mobile phone conversations. In all of them, you went out for "drinks" with this person and ended up in her bed. It's not just drinks."

And it's not like you can make a bad decision and not tell her about it, because she knows when you're being shifty.

"You're being shifty."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You've let whatever person wriggle her way back into your life and you knows it's dumb on an epic scale, and if you'll just look at these charts I've made of your previous shifty behavior, you will notice that the time of year, the weather pattern, your haircut and the t-shirt you are wearing are exactly the same. You previous shiftiness proves that you are, in fact, being shifty at present."

The down-side of her assholery? Less making out with people who are bad for you.

The upside of her assholery? Same as Veronica Mars': "If you want to lock horns with me, duck and charge. But if you think I'm gonna let you break Heather's heart for sport you have grossly underestimated my wrath."