I am all the time saying I'm an asshole and (most of the time), Joe is all, "no, you're really not," but I think that's because I'm way more of an asshole in my head than I am out loud.
We were in the car on the way home from a wedding on Sunday and I was all, "what should I write for this week's Collective?" because I like to start thinking about the topic a few days in advance. This is so I can run through the first few drafts in my head before I start writing because I'm such a lazy editor, you guys. What I post on the internet is almost always the first written draft that I maybe run through once or twice to make sure I didn't use the wrong form of you're/your or their/there/they're because yes, I still do this sometimes even though I am 28-years-old and a grammar nazi.
Joe asked the topic and when I told him it was the opposite of last week's, which he wrote for me, he asked if I wanted to write about why I am an asshole and against my better judgment, I told him he could help me. This sounds like a bad idea, I know, rife with fighty-fisticuff possibilities but I pretty much know WHY I'm an asshole so I wasn't worried about getting my feelings hurt.
Anyway, the list soon devolved into not so much "Why Jennie Is An Asshole" things but "Why Jennie Is Annoying" things. I don't even remember what the asshole things were but I remember the annoying things because, you guys, I have really annoying habits. Especially if you live with me.
I leave my shoes all over. Like everywhere. At this very moment, I have at least two pair of shoes lying in the bedroom, a pair of sandals by the side door, a pair of sandals under the kitchen table, and the shoes I wore to work are lying in the middle of the living room.
I also leave half full water glasses all over the place. This is unrelated to the shoe thing, I think, and also to aliens. QUESTION: Do I have to boycott Signs now that everyone knows, FOR SURE, that Mel Gibson is a huge twat? Because I love that movie.
According to Joe, I put the toilet paper on the roll upside down. I maintain that there IS no upside down and if he can't figure out how to use toilet paper no matter which way it's put on the roll, that's on him.
I plan EVERYTHING. I plan big things, like weddings and trips and budgets, and I plan little things, like what time I should go to Target or in what order I should go through the grocery store and if it's this exhausting to me, I can't imagine how exhausting it is for anyone who lives with me.
When I like a song or album, I play it over and over and over until I have finally heard ENOUGH. But the problem is, I have to hear the song a lot before it's ENOUGH. Which, I understand, can be annoying to some people and is why Heidi threatened to throw my CD player out the window when Wincing the Night Away came out.
So, yes, I am annoying but I am also an asshole and here is why: I saw a friend at the wedding this weekend that I haven't seen in a while and apparently haven't talked to in a while because YOU GUYS she is six months pregnant and I had no idea. BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE.