Tuesday, 23 August 2011

some are reaching few are there

AbsWhen I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to watch TV. Most of the time this seemed fine enough because I'd been fooled that TV was not unlike a hot stove. But, like a kid, I wanted to touch the stove and I wanted to see what was on the TV. So one day when I was supposed to be napping, I snuck down to the TV and turned it on.

What I saw must have been a made-for-TV movie based in some sort of rapey plot, Lifetime-style. Because there was a woman's body, in the woods, and her earring had been ripped through her ear. The scary music playing swelled; she must have just been murdered. I immediately turned the TV off.

But I always remembered with total recall the dozen seconds I had seen. It was seared into my brain and it became the scariest thing in the world. The fear wasn't rooted in story--I didn't worry I would be in the woods--it was fear itself. If I was feeling sad, or angry, or vulnerable in any way I would see that earring and feel terrified. It hovered the edges of my conscious waiting to cripple me. Eventually as I grew older I started to fight back. When the image would appear, I would talk myself down from the fear. I would pretend it was just a regular image in my mind, no big deal. I would think about something else as hard as I could. So it started coming into my dreams and I would dream that I knew her or I would dream it was me.

As an adult I feel like I can stare it down and be smarter than it. But it's still there. I can still see it. It just doesn't own me anymore. Only now, 20 years later, can I rub my ear without instantly shuddering.

So, no, I don't like scary movies.


Ashley said...

You should try tracking that movie down and watching it. I bet it's not scary at all, and it will help you get over it. I did this with a freaky mirror person movie I saw as a child and it really helped. Oh my God that movie though. WTF were those people thinking?

Jennie said...

Now I'm intrigued. WHAT was that freaky mirror person movie?

eclectic said...

Yikes! TV & movies are powerful things in childhood. I remember Brooke being disconsolate watching Winnie the Pooh when Tigger lost his bounce. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, refusing to watch the rest even after I assured her that Tigger would bounce again. It was simply too painful to her to risk it.