Phone it in Friday: Five Worst

All is quiet here this morning at Collective HQ. Not a creature is stirring; not even a mouse. Kat!'s been sick and Jennie!'s week has been called "frustration" and Abigail! gave up caffeine and Heather is asleep because she's been spending too many long nights on the TWoP Forums. Post for them today and I'm sure they'll give you a share of the revenue they make on Collective endorsements and such. Tell them your Five Worst list in the comments, or write a list on your own blog and link to it in the comments.

Next week: they interview each other and you and you interview them and each other. Oh, you don't want to miss that.

Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!

Here's the thing, you guys. I had this whole post about the 5 Worst Words in the English Language (moist, panties, irregardless, and closing time), but then I was all, "ooh, YouTube," and got distracted AND THEN I realized that I don't give a shit about the 5 Worst Words in the English Language because HEARING those words makes me want to stab myself in the ear repeatedly and with great force and why would I want to do that to myself? That's crazy. And so I bring you . . . the 5 Worst TV Shows of My Childhood (that I still love and would watch all the time if they were still on TV but they're not, they're only on YouTube WHICH IS JUST RUDE.)

I had a really hard time doing this, not only because I watched A LOT of shitty TV as a kid, but ALSO because I wanted to include shows like Ducktales and The Wonder Years and I just couldn't because those aren't bad shows, those are AMAZING shows. These shows? These are bad shows. But I can't not love them. I just can't. I tried. You can't just not love something that you love. You just can't. Try it.

(don't try it)

1. Perfect Strangers

I really don't understand why this show isn't on anymore. I mean, there was the uptight dude and his weirdo, foreign cousin and their random blond girlfriends. Also, Carl Winslow was on this show and that's how he got his OWN crappy show on TGIF. I'm a little fuzzy on the details because I think I was like eight when this show was on, but whatever. Clearly it had an impact. How could it not?



2. Saved By the Bell

I have no words. Just . . . this:



3. Charles in Charge

The last time I remember watching this show was this time in college when I came home at like 4 and drunkenly turned on Nick at Nite to find Charles and the gang up to their old tricks. To be honest, this may be the worst show I watched as a kid, but it isn't the worst thing I've ever watched drunk. I used to come home and turn on infomercials and once I almost accidentally bought the entire Time Life Music of the 60's collection. I called the number and everything. Then they asked for my credit card number, and that sobered me up enough to hang up the phone. Um. Anyway, feast your eyes on this:



bonus!



4. Captain Planet

I'm not proud of this, but once my parents took my sister and I on a cruise and I stayed in my windowless room for . . . a long time, because the cruise ship played reruns of Captain Planet on one of the four TV stations ALL. DAY. LONG. I love this show, even though the one kid's super power is Heart. If Heart was my super power, I'd be super pissed:



5. Salute Your Shorts

To be honest, I don't remember much about this show. However, I discovered that I remembered all the words to the theme song after watching this:



Runner Up:

The Five Worst Days of My Life.

In chronological order:

1. July 15, 1978
2. January 6, 2001
3. February 7, 2007
4. August 15, 2007
5. February 26, 2008

Loathing. Unadulterated loathing.

Maybe it's because I took too many writing classes in college or maybe it's because after spending all my money on private education I'm an intellectual snob but I hate, hate , HATE cliches. I mean, people, is it too hard to just say what you mean? Or better yet, stop hiding behind a cliche and figure out what you mean?

I'm not made of stone (har har) so I understand that cliches help people communicate and I think it's kind of cute when someone says, "If the shoe fits..." and just trails off. But it's the other shit, the forcing, the advice giving, that makes me ca-razy. For example, when you're admitting some sort of fault and in response your listening partner whips out the condescension and slams you with "Hindsight is always 20/20" how does that make you feel? You know how it makes me feel? Rage-y.

Let's just delve right in (har har).

1. Finding a needle in a haystack. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. It's like walking on pins and needles. Really? There are that many sharp, pointy things around that we've constructed a whole language around them? I'll tell you what. When it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop, I am most definitely not thinking about pins. I'm wondering whether or not it's supposed to be this quiet and exactly how awkward I should be feeling. I'm wondering whether it will make too much noise if I pull my cell phone out to see how much longer I'm going to have to be in this immensely boring whatever and then I'm wondering whether it will be too noticeable if I try to text from my phone. Pins, needles, or any other kind of poking device never occur to me.

2. It's water under the bridge. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Um, first of all, that second thing? TOTAL COP OUT. Second of all, why is there no other phrase for water under the bridge? I mean, I actually have to use that phrase (on a frighteningly regular basis) because there is no other way of saying what it means. Please someone suggest something. Tangential side note: when I imagine the water going under the bridge, it's always one of those old-timey rivers with the mill next to it. Does anyone else have memorable waters and bridges?

3. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. COP OUT.

4. Money doesn't grow on trees. No shit, Sherlock. I know that and I've never even passed an economics class. This is one of those condescending things. I get that we have to earn money blah blah blah. But wouldn't it be awesome if money did grow on trees?

5. Don't judge a book by it's cover. In the actual scenario with books and covers, I TOTALLY judge books by their covers. So does everyone else. That's why there's a whole publishing industry created around the branding of a book. HOWEVER, in the rest of life perhaps it's best not to judge the proverbial book by its proverbial cover. I mean, I'm no hater and being a feminist and all, I certainly don't like any sort of prejudicial connotations associated with covers or the outside or whatever. So, sure, whatever, don't judge. But when you're getting all snobby and telling someone else not to judge, at least come up with your own analogy that makes sense.

Wow. I didn't realize how many strong feelings I had. Good thing I paid all that money getting a writing degree that gave me rage against cliches so I could spend my time writing this. Full circle. Har har.

It has been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.

Last week we gave you our 5 Best Whatever lists; this week we'll be giving you our 5 Worst Whatever lists. This was much harder to narrow down than my 5 Best Television Couples list. I guess in my old age of almost-30, I am getting curmudgeonly. Here is my rage in action:

5 Worst Characters to be Stuck With on a Desert Island.


Mr. Collins, Pride and Prejudice

Not only would Mr. Collins be physically useless and—quite frankly—yucky in a swimsuit, he would drive a woman batshit crazy on a deserted island, what with the following her around, and insincerely doting on her techniques for collecting firewood, building a hut, driving a spear through the heart of a wild boar. He would spend half his day pontificating the ways in which island dwelling would absolutely be unacceptable to his patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh; and half his day gawking at your coconuts. The only good thing about having Mr. Collins around would be that when you eventually and inevitably cooked him, he would absolutely taste like chicken.



Scrappy Doo, Scooby-Doo

I hate Scrappy-Doo and everything he stands for. Network executives need to understand that sometimes a show just needs to take a bow, and exit stage left. If you were on an island with Scrappy-Doo, at first you'd be all, "Ha ha. What a cheeky Great Dane puppy." But by week two, his over-exuberance and punky little know-it-all attitude would be like sandpaper on your sunburn. And by week three, well, you'd have to put him down. But think about this nightmare: what if you were trapped on a deserted island with ALL the Scrappy-Doos? Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch, Olivia from The Cosby Show, those tiny, annoying kid-Smurfs who were shorter, even, than three apples tall. My God, you'd have to kill all of them: puppies, children, and smurflings alike. Next thing you know, you've gone from Jedi Knight to a Dark Lord of the Sith, and how freakin' unbearable would a huge, black helmet be on a deserted island?


Viki Vale, Batman

Viki Vale is the good-for-nothingest woman to ever, ever be rescued. Look, if Batman tries to help you out of harm's way, you let him. You don't stand around and screech and whimper, okay? That's distracting. And if Batman sleeps with you, well, the next morning you say, "Thanks, mate, I always wanted to bonk a superhero." You don't say, "I just wanna know... are we gonna try to love each other?" No, okay? We're not. I'm a hero. I have lives to save. And toys to play with. The reasons Viki Vale would be so lame on a desert island are the same reasons she's so lame in Gotham City. She's got about a gazillion needs and feelings. She panics about everything. And she just can't leave well enough alone. If, on your island, you wandered off for some quality by-yourself-time, she'd find you up in your tree or down in your river or even in your cave. And she'd pester and pester and pester until you'd have to draw a line in the sand and say, "Cross this, and I am going to wallop you with my Bat-o-rang." She would cross it, and you would wallop her, and then somehow she'd make it seem like it was all your fault.


The Effing Castle Toad, Super Mario Brothers

The Mario Bros. Castle Toad is the embodiment of worthlessness. You hurdle pits of fire and blood, you scale walls, you dodge ghosts, you crack codes, you jump over or dash under a Koopaling to save the princess, and what do you get? You get Castle Toad. "Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle." Oh yeah, another castle? Thank you, Toad. That information would have been very useful YESTERDAY. You get stranded on an island with that toad and you know what's going to happen? You'll sit down to a nice dinner of roasted trout one night, and you'll see a ship or a helicopter or a hoverboard leaving the island, and you'll try to flag it down to rescue you. "Damn," you'll say, when you're unsuccessful. "I just missed that airplane."

"Airplane?" the Effing Castle Toad will say. "Oh, yeah. I met the pilot a little while ago. He was looking for directions. I told him not to stay here unless he really likes pineapple."


Aidan Shaw, Sex and the City

I love it when someone suggests we play Marry, Do, or Die, because without fail Sex and the City comes up, and I get to shout out, "KILL AIDAN SHAW!" You'd think because he is a carpenter or whatever, Aidan would be good to have around on a desert island, but no. He would not. He'd follow you around and try to nuzzle your neck while you looked for bananas or berries, and when you finally just had enough and said, "You know what, Aidan, I'm a little freaked out here, okay? I'm stranded on an island, and I don't know what we're going to eat or where we're going to sleep, and I actually think I may have left the coffee pot on in my apartment, so could you just... stop touching me for like five seconds?"

He'd be all, "Don't worry, baby. It's groovy that we're here on this island, together, by ourselves, with only the tasks of conversation and body exploration stretching out in front of us... for all eternity."

His gear-grinding voice, and his condescending inability to comprehend that some things are JUST A BIG DEAL, OKAY—maybe not a big deal to you, BUT A BIG DEAL TO ME, would make you so crazy that you'd end up strangling him and using his turquoise jewelry as fishing lures.


And you? What character would you least like to be stuck with on a desert island?

Phone It In Friday: Five Best

Oops, we've phoned it in at Collective HQ today; Abigail! is out of town, Heather! Anne! is ignoring bad advice from chocolate wrappers, Jennie! is doing actual work (gasp!), and Kat! slept in until one in the afternoon. But just because we're all being (somewhat) busy and important, it doesn't mean we don't want to hear from you. So spill it, Internets! What are the Five Best Whatevers?

Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals CRAZY DELICIOUS

I don't mean to brag (liar), but I'm pretty good at being lazy. Especially on Sundays. I mean, I'm lazy on most days, but my laziness knows NO BOUNDS on Sunday. So, really, you should be thanking your lucky stars right now. Because I'm about to drop some serious knowledge on your mind grapes. I'm about to tell you the 5 best lazy Sunday activities you can engage in on a . . . lazy Sunday. Do you even realize the magic that is about to happen? This is like Mozart telling you to stop playing Heart & Soul so he can show you how it's done. Einstein telling you about E and what the crap it equals. Dane Cook telling you to SIT DOWN ALREADY because he's about to show you how to be the douchiest douche to have ever douched. I think you get the point.

1. Wake up in the late afternoon

Seriously, sleeping is like my favorite thing in the whole entire world, and it should be yours, too. You wanna know why? Because no one gets enough. It's like sex that way. So when Sunday rolls around, don't get out of bed unless you have to pee. Because, ew. And if you DO for some crazy reason get out of bed, MY GOD, get back in as soon as you can. You really shouldn't attempt to leave your bed at all (aside from bathroom/food breaks), but if you do feel the need to leave your apartment and be social, I've got you covered.

2. But first my hunger pains are sticking like duct tape

Get out of your house. Go on, get up. Also, get dressed. I know it's hard (that's what she said), but if you're going to face the outside world, you shouldn't do it in Superman pajama pants. Oh, who am I kidding, the world would be a much better place if everyone wore Superman pajama pants ALL THE TIME. Anyway. Now that you're mobile, you can head to brunch. Because listen. Brunch is the best meal ever invented. Not only can you have waffles and pancakes and bacon and cinnamon rolls the size of your face, but you can eat all this while drinking. Drinking booze. As Abigail pointed out earlier this week, it's always 5 o'clock somewhere, which means there really is no bad time to be drinking.

3. Let's hit up Yahoo maps to find the dopest route

After all those donuts and sausage links (hee), you're probably ready for a nap. So either repeat activity 1 for the rest of the day OR work off all those extra calories and mimosas and take a walk. Just do it. It's not like I'm asking you to run a marathon. I'm asking you to put one foot in front of the other. You don't even have to walk that fast. You can stroll. Amble. Saunter, even. Go to a pond or the woods or anywhere there are trees and squirrels frolicking and playing with their nuts and TAKE A FREAKING WALK. You can frolick, too, if you want, but you probably shouldn't play with your nuts in public unless you want to get arrested. Which is not, in fact, one of the 5 best lazy Sunday activities.

4. You can call us Aaron Burr from the way we're dropping Hamiltons

Now that you've become one with nature, it's time to become one with your credit card. Go stimulate (heh) the economy and stuff. I'm not one who enjoys shopping regularly, but if I DO go shopping, it's usually on Sunday. Because my brain only functions on one cylinder (I don't know what that means) on Sundays, shopping is perfect as it requires no brain cells. I prefer to go to the bookstore for like three hours, but that's just me. If you want to go clothes shopping (barf) or whatever, be my guest, but if you make me go with you, I'll complain the whole time until you take me to the book store.

5. Now quiet in the theater or it's gonna get tragic

By far the greatest activity one can engage in besides sleeping (I may be exaggerating) is going to the movies. SURE they're expensive and the people won't shut up and sometimes the guy beside you smells like a fart, but there are PREVIEWS. And POPCORN. And if you don't want to put up with movie patrons or prices, stay at home and watch a movie. Nothing that requires too much thought, however. And nothing serious. Basically, any movie that's on cable over and over all weekend is good stuff. God bless you, TBS.

(Bonus! 5 Best Lazy Sunday Movies: The Breakfast Club, Office Space, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Tommy Boy, Ghostbusters.)

THE END

Nut bugs in the nut dust*

I have to admit, limiting this list to the Five Best Bugs was really, really difficult. Like, way more difficult than deciding which of the seventy billion prom invitations that I received my senior year of high school I should accept. Like, way more difficult than finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Brand Tootsie Pop before you just get bored already and bite down on the damn sucker.

BECAUSE I LOVE BUGS.

I love bugs so much that a very dear friend (bless her heart) thought I was trying to send some kind of secret message when I once sent her a picture I took of a French Canadian spider, and who could blame her? BECAUSE WHO THE HELL IN THEIR RIGHT MIND STANDS AROUND IN SUB-FREEZING TEMPERATURES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TAKING PICTURES OF SPIDERS FOR FUN?

I do.

Because I love bugs.

And I want you to love them too. So I'd like to introduce you to a few of my favorite bugs, my favorite bugs because they are the greatest bugs of all the bugs in all the land.

1. Cicada (Magicicada)



Cicadas are MAGIC, and I know because SCIENCE SAYS SO. And why does science say so? Because these little guys hatch in trees, fall to the ground, and bury themselves in the ground for up to seventeen freaking years. Which means if you were born on the same day as a cicada, you'd already have your Harvard rejection letter before that little insect sees the light of day again.

My favorite cicada is the Brood X cicada, the most long-lived and evil-looking bugger you'll ever see. Black-bodied, beady red eyes, I bore witness to its most recent reemergence in 2004, and routinely creeped out my very tall, buff, and very manly boyfriend every time we came across one. I'd pick them up and let them crawl all over my arms and make kissy noises at them and wish they'd live longer than a couple of weeks so that I could take them home as pets and love them forever and ever amen.

All of my co-workers complained about how noisy the cicadas were and how icky it was when they all died and their carcasses were everywhere and crunched under their feet every time they walked out to the driveway and got into their cars, but in 2021 you'd better believe I'm going to be right here waiting to welcome the swarm with open arms.

2. Firefly (Photuris pennsylvanica)



Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love the stars (in the SKY, not on the TELEVISION, ahem), and if the stars came to Earth I think they'd come as fireflies.

Also, their butts glow. AWESOME.

3. Ladybird (Coccinellidae)



Underneath that freakishly adorable and universally loved exterior lies the heart (um, dorsal vessel, actually; see, insects have open circulatory systems so they lack a true heart (kinda like me)) of a cold-blooded killer. Don't believe me? The city of New York routinely sets loose swarms and swarms of ladybugs to eliminate to population of less, uh, desirable six-legged bugs.

Nature's perfect killer they are.

4. Love bug (lecia nearctica)



Love bugs spend their entire adult lives doing nothing but doing IT. And these little buggers taught me that LOVE SUCKS, because growing up in Florida I'd see billions of these little perverts going at it, like, constantly. And what did that get them? Smeared across the windshield of my car, that's what.

But love bugs seem to be a purely Southern phenomenon, so if you know the love bug then you, my friend, are my friend. Plus, urban legend holds that love bugs are nothing but a University of Florida genetics experiment gone horribly wrong, and if I needed yet another reason to hate the Gators (AS IF!), this would be it.

DON'T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE, YO.

5. Jewel Wasp (Ampulex compressa)



I'll keep this short so as not to traumatize Jennie!, but this fucking bug turns cockroaches into ZOMBIES. For serious. It inserts a stinger into the brain of a cockroach, injects a venom which disables the cockroach's reflexes, and then RIDES ON THE BACK OF THE COCKROACH, USING THE COCKROACH'S ANTENNEA LIKE REINS TO STEER IT TO ITS LIAR, WHERE IT LAYS ITS EGGS IN THE ZOMBIE COCKROACH. And then the little bitty baby jewel wasps hatch and eat the cockroach alive.

DUDE. If I had this power, ALL EARTH WOULD TREMBLE BEFORE ME. And that makes the jewel wasp SO BOSS.

Also, I really like saying the word cock.



What is NOT on my list? The motherfucking fruit fly, which has INFESTED my GODDAMNED apartment courtesy of the two MOTHERFUCKING yucca plants I bought at Ikea. Moral of the story: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.


*You can thank the aforementioned Jennie! for this visual.

5 Best Excuses To Get Drunk

5. New Year's Eve.
Even my most pious friends tend to lush it up on the last day of the year (and then into the first morning of the year). If you don't drink any other time, please please please indulge me this one night. Thanks.

4. You were dumped.
I mean, really, as long as you're not the type to get all weepy, then drinking post-breakup is the best advice I can give. Everything becomes more fun with alcohol! Even things that remind you of him (or her) can transform from heartbreaking into brave "fuck you!"s. Just make sure the object of your once affection is not near you when you imbibe. Bad decisions are not what I'm here to be a part of. Also, please no cell phones.

3. Your life is a joke.
It's like a drinking game really. Speeding ticket? Take a drink. Water went out and you have to shower at the gym? Take a drink. Fuck something up at work? Take a drink. Swallow some toothpaste? Take a drink. Forget to turn the heater off? Take a drink. Sit on your sunglasses? Take a drink. Send an email reply all instead of reply sender? Take a drink.

2. You were raised by your mother.
One of my friends is a therapist and even she would condone this. Therapy can undo wonders, but nothing can really compare with toasting to dear old mom and shooting em' back. I think it's called catharsis.

1. It's five o'clock somewhere.
Really.

I am not in love, but I'm open to persuasion.

This week on The Collective, we'll be revealing our 5 Best lists. I have chosen 5 Best "Television" Couples. And I use the word "television" loosely. Because they're real to me, okay? These are real people. With real feelings. Like me and you. Unless you don't think these people are real. In which case, the only one with feelings here is me.

Lois and Clark: Don't fall for me, farm boy.



When ABC began airing Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman in 1993, it took two episodes before I completely stopped accepting phone calls on Sunday nights. I needed the 8-9 p.m. time slot to watch the show, and the 9-whenever time slot to process everything that had happened with the most important two people to ever show up on my television screen. (Sorry, Mario. Sorry, Luigi.) Lois and Clark was the first show that caused me to throw something at the television. My dad used to say, "It's just a show, kiddo." And I'd say, "What do you know of love! Or superpower, Dad! WHAT DO YOU KNOW!"

Lois: You have that face... like you need to borrow money.
Clark: Lois, no... I...
Lois: It's okay, Clark. That's what friends are for.
Clark: No, Lois. I just...
Lois: How much do you need?
Clark: Lois! I want you to go out on a date with me!
Lois: A date? You mean like a real date? Where I take out my good perfume, the one that I got after I saw "Love Affair," the good one not the remake, and I put a dab behind my knee, and I don't even know why?


Ross and Rachel: When were you...under me?



At the end of the first season of Friends, Rachel found out that Ross loved her. The night of the second season premiere—with Rachel poised at an airport gate to tell Ross that she loved him, too—the cable went out at my house. What did I do? I got on my bike and road it 12 miles to my grandparents' house to watch Ross get off a plane with a woman called Julie. At the end of the fifth season, I was old enough to drive. The night of the sixth season premiere—with Ross and Rachel in Vegas, having just been married—I was at a friend's house, and the cable went out. My car was in the shop, so what did I do? I got on my bike and rode 15 miles to my grandparents' house to watch Joey say, "An annulment? Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here." I would have walked 500 miles, and I would have walked 500 more, just to be the one to walk 1,000 miles and watch The One Where No One's Ready.

Rachel: You know, I can't even believe I thought about getting back together again. We are SO over!
Ross: FINE BY ME.
Rachel: Oh, and hey: those spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica. I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Don't worry about me! I still have your letter!
Rachel: And hey, just so you know: it's NOT that common. It DOESN'T happen to most guys. And it IS a big deal!


Josh and Donna: I wouldn't stop for red lights.



Here's a fun fact: Aaron Sorkin rewrote part of the Pilot episode of The West Wing because the chemistry between Josh and Donna was just that good. Josh was the Deputy Chief of Staff, and Donna was his Executive Assistant—Deputy, Deputy Chief of Staff, she called herself. Josh was brilliant and arrogant and clueless, and Donna was his compass in every possible way. I checked out on The West Wing when John Wells took over, but I never checked out on Josh and Donna. When they finally kissed in the last season, I cried and cried. And squealed more than entirely appropriate.

Donna: What's wrong with me getting my money back?
Josh: You won't spend it right.
Donna: What do you mean?
Josh: Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money and combine it with everybody else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow social security. What do you want to do with it?
Donna: Buy a DVD player.
Josh: See?
Donna: But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players. Not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.
Josh: The problem is: the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.
Donna: I'll buy an American one.
Josh: We don't trust you.
Donna: Why not?
Josh: We're Democrats.
Donna: I want my money back!
Josh: You shouldn't have voted for us.


Bette and Tina: I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself.



I have never, ever wanted a television couple to work it out the way I want The L Word's Bette Porter and Tina Kennard to work it out. They're like Heathcliffe and Catherine in Wuthering Heights, not just in the "whatever souls are made of, his and mine are made of the same" kind of way, but in the way they betray each other and adore each other and lash out at each other and protect each other, and in the way—this season, at least—their passion for each other consumes them. Heathcliffe and Catherine are like my all-time least favorite fictional couple, but I just cannot get enough Bette and Tina. Hypocrisy, thou art my name! (But not the name I use on the message boards, where I spend half my days, wanking about whether or not Bette and Tina are going to GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.)

Tina: She's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder!
Tina: When she calls you, you have to end it.
Alice: I know, it's just...
Bette: Just nothing. What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was going to ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: You're going to tell her. Say Gabby, I really enjoyed the time we spent together but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things from a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you treat me this way.
Bette: It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without the capacity to understand true love.
Tina: And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you.
Bette: So step off, bitch.


Pam and Jim: Those are the rules of Jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.



If you know me but at all, the praise I am about to bestow on The Office in general, and Pam and Jim in specific, is going to floor you. Ready? Okay, deep breath. The only other man to make me swoon the way that Jim Halpert makes me swoon is a guy called Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Maybe you've heard of him. He's in a little book called Pride and Prejudice. And the only couple that I can even think of comparing Jim and Pam to are Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe. That's how good and sweet and perfect, perfect, perfect they are together. I feel God in this Chili's tonight.

Jim: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?
Pam: It's funny you bring that up, because yes it is.
Jim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?
Pam: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but...
Jim: Be honest.
Pam: I now find you repulsive.
Jim: That's honest. Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?
Pam: Eh...
Jim: For me, it was.
Pam: OK.
Jim: Alright.


Runners up: Marc and Amanda, Ugly Betty; Claire and Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show; Jack and Karen, Will and Grace; SpongeBob and Patrick, SpongeBob SquarePants; Carrie and Big, Sex and the City; Michael and Dwight, The Office; Kevin and Winnie, The Wonder Years; Bo and Hope, Days of our Lives.


How about you? What "television" couple is your favorite?

Please do not say Meredith and McDreamy. Seriously.

Phone It In Friday: Will you be mine?

Judging by this week's posts it appears that The Collective doesn't believe boys make good Valentines. Of course, there is an outside chance that we could be wrong (doubtful) so tell us in the comments who you asked to be your Valentine yesterday.

You stay classy, Internets

Dear you guys,

I know you all found out last week that I'm a slut who hypothetically sleeps with famous people just so they'll introduce me to OTHER famous people . . . but I need to tell you something. I love you. All of you. The whole Internets. Oh, Internets. Will you be my Valentine(s)?

I was going to write about how much I love TiVo and how I couldn't live without him, but that's a lie. You know what we called TiVo before he existed? VCR. Now, I'm not saying I WANT to go back to those days of videotapes stacked all haphazardly on top of the TV, but I could if I had to. I don't want to. I COULD. But I don't want to. I feel like I can't stress that enough. (Roommate: Please don't ever move out and take TiVo away from me.)

But with you guys . . . that's different. If someone took the Internets away from me, I'd be so sad that I'd cry and lock myself in my room and either stop eating altogether or I'd consume nothing but ice cream and wine for a week. Or longer. Probably longer. And then I'd form an unhealthy relationship with something else, like my cell phone or my cat. Not that my relationship with you guys is unhealthy. Anything but, really. DON'T LEAVE ME OR I'LL SHAVE MY HEAD AND SMASH YOUR CAR WITH A BASEBALL BAT OR SLEDGEHAMMER OR SOMETHING ELSE REALLY HEAVY LIKE . . . THE MOON. Yeah. I'll smash your car with the moon! I'll do it! DON'T YOU CROSS ME. Ahem. Anyway.

So there it is, Internets. I've put it all out there for the world to see, as long as the world has access to the internet and, you know, their company doesn't block this website. I know we've established that I'm a slut and I'll probably leave you for John Krasinski or ignore you to spend time with TiVo, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't miss you if you packed up all your stuff and stole my cat and my car and ran away to Vegas. Please don't run away to Vegas*! Please? I love you.

Allow me, Internets, to express my feelings through this video:



*You can have my cat.

Conversation heartburn.

Having a heart that's cold and black is not particularly conducive to a successful Valentine's Day celebration. In fact, if given the choice each 14 February I would cover my apartment windows in tin foil, paint the walls black, curl up around a bottle of bourbon, and cry softly to myself while listening to The Cure's seminal* album Disintegration on repeat. But nooooooooooo. The Collective says I have to pick a Valentine this year so pick a Valentine I must, and the Valentine I pick is this pack of Tums sitting on the table here next to me, because I've had a tummy ache for as long as I can remember and without my beloved Valentine I think I'd die FROM THE PAIN OF MY BODY DECIDING IT WOULD BE A FREAKING BRILLIANT IDEA TO DIGEST ITSELF.


* Did you know that in addition to meaning "highly original and influencing the development of future events," the word seminal also means "full of semen**"?

**Did you know that I am rereading Heart of Darkness, and every time I come across the word seamen I laugh and laugh and laugh?***

***I'm pretty sure that's not what Conrad had intended.****

****Also, I miss that picture of Michael Showalter. Let's bring that one back for the children.

bad poetry, oh noetry*

Chicken burrito, hold the beans
Corn, tomato, and lots of greens
Dairy, yes -- and of course I'll pay for guac
I'll burn it off if I go for a walk
I can't help being so hasty
Because your tortillas are so tasty
Rhyming words can't describe your rice
Because it's just so much more than nice
I check your locations whenever I travel
If I go without my burrito I might unravel
I smile and wave when I see your sign
Chipotle, will you be my valentine?


*title credit

Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Dear Wackopedia, will you be my Valentine?



love,

Heather! Anne!

Phone it in Friday: Let's Talk About Sex

This week, we found out that we're, well, a little slutty (except for Heather Anne, the big cheater.)

Now it's your turn. In the comments or on your own blog, tell us which celebrities would make you leave your significant other.

Go ahead. Slut it up.

It's the final countdown

I just want you to know, when I first brainstormed my freebie list (the five men, five women, and five couples you get to sleep with if the opportunity ever presents itself, no matter if you're dating, married, involved in a polygamous relationship, whatever, like seriously, if you see these people and they're up for it then you DROP EVERYTHING because BOOM, baby, it's time for some sweet, sweet loving), I had no fewer than 35 people. I am telling you this because I feel like you should realize how much work went into cutting all those poor men (and women) who will never, ever get to sleep with me. Le sigh.

These are in no particular order because I didn't think of putting them in any particular order and IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal



I feel sort of territorial about Jake Gyllenhaal, because I've thought he was the most adorable boy in all the land since, like, October Sky, which was A LONG TIME before Jarhead, all you fairweather lusters. Also! He cooks. Also! He reads. Also! His dogs are named after characters from To Kill a Mockingbird. Also! I could hang out with his sister! Also! Maybe he could explain what Donnie Darko means! Also! I love him.

2. Will Arnett



Looks like the Bluths are popular with The Collective. To be honest with you, I had a really tough time picking between the Bluth brothers, but GOB has always been my favorite. I think it's the deep voice. Or the magic. Plus, in real life he's married to Amy Poehler and I really think Amy and I could be friends. You know, if I wasn't trying to sleep with her husband.

3. John Mayer



Look. You can't help who you fall in love with, especially when you fall in love at the tender age of 19, which for me was like 87 years ago. It's not easy to love him sometimes (see: Jessica Simpson), but I have hope that he'll move through this hoochie-mama phase and start dating a nice girl, like Kelly Clarkson or Mandy Moore (or better yet, Abigail). I know this hope isn't completely foolish because, after all, he DID date Heidi Klum.

4. Mark Ruffalo



He is my favorite character in one of my favorite movies, like, EVER. He's just so sad and heartbroken and he has mussed up hair and cute little glasses and I just want to make him feel better, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Plus! When he and Jennifer Garner do the Thriller dance in 13 Going on 30, you can tell he has no idea what he's doing and there's nothing I find hotter than a nerdy, white guy who can't dance.

5. John Krasinski



He's just so tall and funny and dreamy. Siiiiiiiiigh. Plus, he has excellent taste in music and is friends with Ben Gibbard, which means we'd probably get free tickets to all Death Cab concerts AND get to hang out backstage (or ONSTAGE) afterward. And then he could take me by the set of The Office and I could give Ed Helms Abigail's phone number and get my picture taken with the real Dwight bobblehead and then Pam and I could braid each other's hair. To tell the truth, I would trade in all the rest of these suckers for ONE DATE with John Krasinski. I'd just, you know, make sure it was a really good date.

Runners Up


Rivers Cuomo is nerdy and has dark hair and wears glasses and plays the guitar. I do believe those are all of my requirements.


Paul Rudd wore a tuxedo when he was on The Daily Show. Need I say more? Probably not, but I'm going to. You know, after watching that clip, I almost threw this whole list right out the window so I could put him up top. Paul Rudd should not be a runner up! Yikes. I've made a huge mistake.

1. Tina Fey



Well, for one thing, she has glasses that I covet because how does she look hot with glasses? I don't get it. My glasses just make me look like a giant nerd. But HELLO. She's hilarious. I think that's as good a reason as any to sleep with someone.

2. Kate Winslet



It's totally the accent. And the Jane Austen. Also, she's in one of my favorite movies, like, EVER.

3. Jenny Lewis



Jenny Lewis is on this list for several reasons. One, maybe she'd take me on the road with her. Two, she could give me gossip about Angelina Jolie. Three, she could introduce me to Ben Gibbard. Also, I'm pretty sure she's playing the cowbell in that picture, in which case, AWESOME.

4. Amy Poehler



I mean, I know I slept with her husband, but maybe she'll forgive and forget. In any case, she could introduce me to Seth Myers and Andy Samberg. You know what I just noticed? I'm sleeping with a lot of these people just so they'll introduce me to other famous people. I'm either a social climber or a big, dirty whore. Or both.

5. Mark St. James



I KNOW he's fictional but I love him. I KNOW he's not a woman, but he does sleep with men like all the women on this list so I say he belongs here. He's delightfully catty and I feel like he could tell me all sorts of dirty secrets about famous people. I'm not sure the sex thing would work out, but I'd be OK with just spooning.

I guess we're supposed to pick couples, but I can't. It just wouldn't work. I never was good at sharing.

It's raining men, hallelujah.

Hellloooooo. I trust you all had a lovely and debauched Mardi Gras yesterday, and are duly repenting your sins this Wednesday Ashed. I drank bucketfuls of Abita myself, and the very idea of sex, let alone sex with super hot and super rich celebrities is... ah, who am I kidding.

I really don't remember whose idea this was, but when it was first bandied about I was all, "Yay! A list! I love lists!" And you'd think this particular list would be easy to compile but you'd be wrong, oh how wrong you'd be. See the thing is--and this is a really big secret I'm letting you in on, so pay attention--I'm a slut. A real big one, too. So limiting this list to just five celebrities for a free-pass shag is nigh on impossible. But for you? I'll try my darnedest.

1. Ryan Adams



Ryan Adams is first on my list because this wouldn't be Kat!'s list of celebrities she'd like permission to fuck without him. Or anyway, it wouldn't be what everyone assumes is Kat!'s list of celebrities she'd like permission to fuck. That said, dude, he's fucking hot. I mean, he's batshit crazy, but he's FUCKING HOT. Plus he sings some of the prettiest songs that ever were and breaks my poor little heart on nearly a daily basis. And if there's one thing I love? It's a boy who breaks my heart.

2. Michael Cera



I turn the big THREE OH in July, so admitting this totally makes me feel like a dirty child molester. But he's nineteen, so I guess officially I'm a cougar. Or a cougar-in-training. Or something. But I don't really care because he is just so darn adorable. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. Now, if you were to ask one of my best friends (no seriously, go ask her), she'd tell you that I love him so because he's kinda nerdy and awkward and, yeah, adorable, but mostly I love him because he's Canadian. AND I LOVE CANADIA. But really I love him because forever in my mind he is little George Michael Bluth, and little George Michael Bluth really needs to get laid. Plus he's in a band named for a most excellent Robert Altman movie and (a) I love Robert Altman movies, and (b) I love boys in bands.

3. Heath Ledger Jude Law*



I'll be honest here, I got over my Jude Law thing a couple years ago. But I feel as though he deserves a place on this list, if for no other reason than I once warned the entire internets that I would, if ever given the opportunity, run off with him and never be heard from again. Either way, he's tall and British and beautiful and if I were the kind of girl with a clearly defined type (you know, instead of being the raging slut that I am), that type would be tall and British and beautiful. Plus he likes scarves almost as much as I do.

4. Ira Glass



Ira Glass's voice makes me think very, very naughty thoughts. I'd elaborate, but though I will curse freely on this blog I draw the line at describing for you my deepest darkest sexual fantasies, some of which may or may not (definitely not) include two girls and one cup. I just asked him to be my friend on Facebook, but no love so far. (I'll keep you posted.) Plus, Ira Glass's name makes me think of my very favorite Salinger stories, and everyone knows that the way to my heart is through J.D. Salinger.

5. Michael Showalter



The only thing I will really say right now about Michael Showalter is what I said Saturday night, via Twitter. And that is this: I think I was put on this earth to marry Michael Showalter. Don't tell my devastatingly handsome and incredibly virile boyfriend.** (Hi, boyfriend!) Seriously though, I love Michael Showalter in a totally creepy, psychotic internet stalker kind of way.

I'm not proud.***

****


*Too soon?
**I may be paraphrasing.
*** Have you heard? Our very own Heather! Anne! is the best writer of all the writers! I'm so proud.
***** chúc mừng năm mới, everyone.

Wishful Thinking

I don't think I have worked harder on anything in my life, ever, than perfecting this list. Even now, hours past deadline I scribble out names, I reconsider. What is wrong with me? I have to thank Jordan Baker for the brilliant idea to make THREE LISTS. Unfortunately, I think that ended up making things even harder.

I spent a lot of time going over this with friends and several of my friends were a little harsh. For example, they tried to bully me out removing people from my list. So if you have hater comments, BRING IT ON. I can take you.

Sorry this is so late and so very many words. I kind of got too into it and those pictures? They took a lot of work. Please click them because they go to other, larger photos and that coding? It didn't do itself. I also ran into a little bit of a thing last night when I had to go see Ed Helms live instead of blog. Oh, and my third excuse is that I'm on the west coast so it's practically still the morning here.

Please note, these are in no particular order.

MEN

Ed Helms
I love him. Here are some facts: he was the only transfer from the Stamford branch to stay in Scranton proving his AWESOMENESS. He sings. He was on The Daily Show. He is funny. He is hot. And last night, when I saw him LIVE, he quickly jumped to the top of my favorite person ever list. I can't explain it really, but when men are really funny and they even crack themselves up, it seems humble to me. Swoon.


Luke Danes
I have never liked a male TV character more than I love Luke Danes. He owns a business, it is a food business, he cooks, he's funny, he's HOT, and he is good to everyone, even people who don't deserve it. And that hat. He fucked up a little in Gilmore Girls for a short bit and I actually was angry with him. That is how good he is. I want to be Lorelai (see below).


Ashton Kutcher
I know he's conventional and whatever but I've had a crush on him for so long that it just doesn't seem fair to bump him off the list in favor of somebody hip and cool. Ashton is hip and cool, he will forever be hip and cool. It doesn't matter how famous he is, he is kick back. He is HOT and he is FUNNY and he made up the most hilarious show ever. He did Punk'd AND The Guardian (which, also, Kevin Costner) And he's proven he is capable of committed relationships.


James Marsden
Sings, dances, acts the shit out of everything, family man, funny, cute, LOVES. I know, my descriptions are all starting to sound the same. But people don't use the phrase "he's not your type" for nothing. James, you are totally my type. Call me!


John Mayer
Let's just say that last Friday night when I was out with some friends drinking and discussing this list (because it has ruled my life), we were able to create about forty two sentences to describe my would-be relationship with John. "You could talk at night, on the phone..." "You could be waiting for the world to change." "He thinks your body is a wonderland." I'm pretty sure he would laugh about that as much as we would. Also, homeboy has a blog. I think we were made for each other, no? (Side note: Yes, I got the memo about Jessica Simpson. That doesn't bother me, okay?)


Alternates
These guys were very high on the list and even held spots for brief whiles. I pretty much expect them to be treated the same way as anyone on the list, should the opportunity arise. Matt Damon, Jim Street (Colin Farrell's character in SWAT), Clive Owen, JimHalpert, Chace Crawford, Paul Rudd.

WOMEN
(The coding is messed up in this section. I don't know why.)
Catherine Zeta Jones
Yeah, so she's pretty in the obvious way. Also, she's rich. I don't really need to explain her, do I?



Jennifer Aniston
I recently watched an E! True Hollywood Story about how awesome she is. And it wasn't one of those shady E!THS where they get footage from thousands of years ago and email "experts." They actually interviewed her friends and stuff (and Matthew Perry!) and everyone loves her. She is genuine and sweet and funny and smart. Oh, and she was on a little show called Friends.


Katherine Heigl
This is all about the person. I agree with the rest of the world that Izzie is off her rocker and guess who else believes that? Katherine Heigl. She said in one interview that she was having to "relearn the character." So stop hating on her. And watch this video.


Lauren Graham
So talented. So funny. Best dressed. Also, she's like BFF with Matthew Perry. Awwww.



Maggie Gyllenhaal
Remember when she was in Stranger Than Fiction? Unmatchable. Also, I like her quirky pretty. And she's dating Peter Saarsgaard (yeah? are they still together?) so that's fun. AND she all BFF with actor/brother Jake. So cute.


Alternates
Amy Adams, Cristina Yang, Blake Lively, Eva Longoria Parker.

THREESOMES
Originally I wasn't going to do this category because my mother reads this blog and I think I've already scarred her enough with the Chick List. But then I had the hardest time narrowing my list down (see: fifty million alternates) and so I had the genius idea to cheat as much as possible.


Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo as Jenna and Matt in 13 Going on 30
Jen has owned the top of my girl crush list since Alias and since she had the ridiculously cute kid of hers. And Mark? So Cute is this movie. Photographers? Magazines? Very! Yes!


Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling as whatever names they had in The Notebook
Um, hottest sex ever in a movie that I've actually seen. (Mom, pretend I didn't just talk about sex.)


Natalie Portman and Zach Braff as Sam and Large in Garden State
One of my favorite movies. One of those things that makes me believe in love. For a little while, anyway.


The Entire Cast of The OC
Imagine less of an incestual orgy, please, and more of a slide show of Ryan Atwood, Seth Cohen, Summer Roberts, Kirsten Cohen, Julie COoper, and sometimes even Marissa Cooper. It's the ultimate free pass.


Monica and Chandler
You know that scene when they're laying in bed and Monica asks Chandler how did he get to be so cute and he says his dad was Swedish and his mom was a teeny tiny bunny? That is how I want all my bedroom conversations to be.


----

Abigail knows she doesn't need a free pass to get these people. Please don't tell her she's wrong.