Wednesday, 6 February 2008

It's raining men, hallelujah.

Hellloooooo. I trust you all had a lovely and debauched Mardi Gras yesterday, and are duly repenting your sins this Wednesday Ashed. I drank bucketfuls of Abita myself, and the very idea of sex, let alone sex with super hot and super rich celebrities is... ah, who am I kidding.

I really don't remember whose idea this was, but when it was first bandied about I was all, "Yay! A list! I love lists!" And you'd think this particular list would be easy to compile but you'd be wrong, oh how wrong you'd be. See the thing is--and this is a really big secret I'm letting you in on, so pay attention--I'm a slut. A real big one, too. So limiting this list to just five celebrities for a free-pass shag is nigh on impossible. But for you? I'll try my darnedest.

1. Ryan Adams


Ryan Adams is first on my list because this wouldn't be Kat!'s list of celebrities she'd like permission to fuck without him. Or anyway, it wouldn't be what everyone assumes is Kat!'s list of celebrities she'd like permission to fuck. That said, dude, he's fucking hot. I mean, he's batshit crazy, but he's FUCKING HOT. Plus he sings some of the prettiest songs that ever were and breaks my poor little heart on nearly a daily basis. And if there's one thing I love? It's a boy who breaks my heart.

2. Michael Cera


I turn the big THREE OH in July, so admitting this totally makes me feel like a dirty child molester. But he's nineteen, so I guess officially I'm a cougar. Or a cougar-in-training. Or something. But I don't really care because he is just so darn adorable. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. Now, if you were to ask one of my best friends (no seriously, go ask her), she'd tell you that I love him so because he's kinda nerdy and awkward and, yeah, adorable, but mostly I love him because he's Canadian. AND I LOVE CANADIA. But really I love him because forever in my mind he is little George Michael Bluth, and little George Michael Bluth really needs to get laid. Plus he's in a band named for a most excellent Robert Altman movie and (a) I love Robert Altman movies, and (b) I love boys in bands.

3. Heath Ledger Jude Law*


I'll be honest here, I got over my Jude Law thing a couple years ago. But I feel as though he deserves a place on this list, if for no other reason than I once warned the entire internets that I would, if ever given the opportunity, run off with him and never be heard from again. Either way, he's tall and British and beautiful and if I were the kind of girl with a clearly defined type (you know, instead of being the raging slut that I am), that type would be tall and British and beautiful. Plus he likes scarves almost as much as I do.

4. Ira Glass


Ira Glass's voice makes me think very, very naughty thoughts. I'd elaborate, but though I will curse freely on this blog I draw the line at describing for you my deepest darkest sexual fantasies, some of which may or may not (definitely not) include two girls and one cup. I just asked him to be my friend on Facebook, but no love so far. (I'll keep you posted.) Plus, Ira Glass's name makes me think of my very favorite Salinger stories, and everyone knows that the way to my heart is through J.D. Salinger.

5. Michael Showalter


The only thing I will really say right now about Michael Showalter is what I said Saturday night, via Twitter. And that is this: I think I was put on this earth to marry Michael Showalter. Don't tell my devastatingly handsome and incredibly virile boyfriend.** (Hi, boyfriend!) Seriously though, I love Michael Showalter in a totally creepy, psychotic internet stalker kind of way.

I'm not proud.***


*Too soon?
**I may be paraphrasing.
*** Have you heard? Our very own Heather! Anne! is the best writer of all the writers! I'm so proud.
***** chúc mừng năm mới, everyone.

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