I just want you to know, when I first brainstormed my freebie list (the five men, five women, and five couples you get to sleep with if the opportunity ever presents itself, no matter if you're dating, married, involved in a polygamous relationship, whatever, like seriously, if you see these people and they're up for it then you DROP EVERYTHING because BOOM, baby, it's time for some sweet, sweet loving), I had no fewer than 35 people. I am telling you this because I feel like you should realize how much work went into cutting all those poor men (and women) who will never, ever get to sleep with me. Le sigh.
These are in no particular order because I didn't think of putting them in any particular order and IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
1. Jake Gyllenhaal
I feel sort of territorial about Jake Gyllenhaal, because I've thought he was the most adorable boy in all the land since, like, October Sky, which was A LONG TIME before Jarhead, all you fairweather lusters. Also! He cooks. Also! He reads. Also! His dogs are named after characters from To Kill a Mockingbird. Also! I could hang out with his sister! Also! Maybe he could explain what Donnie Darko means! Also! I love him.
2. Will Arnett
Looks like the Bluths are popular with The Collective. To be honest with you, I had a really tough time picking between the Bluth brothers, but GOB has always been my favorite. I think it's the deep voice. Or the magic. Plus, in real life he's married to Amy Poehler and I really think Amy and I could be friends. You know, if I wasn't trying to sleep with her husband.
3. John Mayer
Look. You can't help who you fall in love with, especially when you fall in love at the tender age of 19, which for me was like 87 years ago. It's not easy to love him sometimes (see: Jessica Simpson), but I have hope that he'll move through this hoochie-mama phase and start dating a nice girl, like Kelly Clarkson or Mandy Moore (or better yet, Abigail). I know this hope isn't completely foolish because, after all, he DID date Heidi Klum.
4. Mark Ruffalo
He is my favorite character in one of my favorite movies, like, EVER. He's just so sad and heartbroken and he has mussed up hair and cute little glasses and I just want to make him feel better, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Plus! When he and Jennifer Garner do the Thriller dance in 13 Going on 30, you can tell he has no idea what he's doing and there's nothing I find hotter than a nerdy, white guy who can't dance.
5. John Krasinski
He's just so tall and funny and dreamy. Siiiiiiiiigh. Plus, he has excellent taste in music and is friends with Ben Gibbard, which means we'd probably get free tickets to all Death Cab concerts AND get to hang out backstage (or ONSTAGE) afterward. And then he could take me by the set of The Office and I could give Ed Helms Abigail's phone number and get my picture taken with the real Dwight bobblehead and then Pam and I could braid each other's hair. To tell the truth, I would trade in all the rest of these suckers for ONE DATE with John Krasinski. I'd just, you know, make sure it was a really good date.
Rivers Cuomo is nerdy and has dark hair and wears glasses and plays the guitar. I do believe those are all of my requirements.
Paul Rudd wore a tuxedo when he was on The Daily Show. Need I say more? Probably not, but I'm going to. You know, after watching that clip, I almost threw this whole list right out the window so I could put him up top. Paul Rudd should not be a runner up! Yikes. I've made a huge mistake.
1. Tina Fey
Well, for one thing, she has glasses that I covet because how does she look hot with glasses? I don't get it. My glasses just make me look like a giant nerd. But HELLO. She's hilarious. I think that's as good a reason as any to sleep with someone.
2. Kate Winslet
It's totally the accent. And the Jane Austen. Also, she's in one of my favorite movies, like, EVER.
3. Jenny Lewis
Jenny Lewis is on this list for several reasons. One, maybe she'd take me on the road with her. Two, she could give me gossip about Angelina Jolie. Three, she could introduce me to Ben Gibbard. Also, I'm pretty sure she's playing the cowbell in that picture, in which case, AWESOME.
4. Amy Poehler
I mean, I know I slept with her husband, but maybe she'll forgive and forget. In any case, she could introduce me to Seth Myers and Andy Samberg. You know what I just noticed? I'm sleeping with a lot of these people just so they'll introduce me to other famous people. I'm either a social climber or a big, dirty whore. Or both.
5. Mark St. James
I KNOW he's fictional but I love him. I KNOW he's not a woman, but he does sleep with men like all the women on this list so I say he belongs here. He's delightfully catty and I feel like he could tell me all sorts of dirty secrets about famous people. I'm not sure the sex thing would work out, but I'd be OK with just spooning.
I guess we're supposed to pick couples, but I can't. It just wouldn't work. I never was good at sharing.