5 Best Excuses To Get Drunk

5. New Year's Eve.
Even my most pious friends tend to lush it up on the last day of the year (and then into the first morning of the year). If you don't drink any other time, please please please indulge me this one night. Thanks.

4. You were dumped.
I mean, really, as long as you're not the type to get all weepy, then drinking post-breakup is the best advice I can give. Everything becomes more fun with alcohol! Even things that remind you of him (or her) can transform from heartbreaking into brave "fuck you!"s. Just make sure the object of your once affection is not near you when you imbibe. Bad decisions are not what I'm here to be a part of. Also, please no cell phones.

3. Your life is a joke.
It's like a drinking game really. Speeding ticket? Take a drink. Water went out and you have to shower at the gym? Take a drink. Fuck something up at work? Take a drink. Swallow some toothpaste? Take a drink. Forget to turn the heater off? Take a drink. Sit on your sunglasses? Take a drink. Send an email reply all instead of reply sender? Take a drink.

2. You were raised by your mother.
One of my friends is a therapist and even she would condone this. Therapy can undo wonders, but nothing can really compare with toasting to dear old mom and shooting em' back. I think it's called catharsis.

1. It's five o'clock somewhere.
Really.