Loathing. Unadulterated loathing.

Maybe it's because I took too many writing classes in college or maybe it's because after spending all my money on private education I'm an intellectual snob but I hate, hate , HATE cliches. I mean, people, is it too hard to just say what you mean? Or better yet, stop hiding behind a cliche and figure out what you mean?

I'm not made of stone (har har) so I understand that cliches help people communicate and I think it's kind of cute when someone says, "If the shoe fits..." and just trails off. But it's the other shit, the forcing, the advice giving, that makes me ca-razy. For example, when you're admitting some sort of fault and in response your listening partner whips out the condescension and slams you with "Hindsight is always 20/20" how does that make you feel? You know how it makes me feel? Rage-y.

Let's just delve right in (har har).

1. Finding a needle in a haystack. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. It's like walking on pins and needles. Really? There are that many sharp, pointy things around that we've constructed a whole language around them? I'll tell you what. When it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop, I am most definitely not thinking about pins. I'm wondering whether or not it's supposed to be this quiet and exactly how awkward I should be feeling. I'm wondering whether it will make too much noise if I pull my cell phone out to see how much longer I'm going to have to be in this immensely boring whatever and then I'm wondering whether it will be too noticeable if I try to text from my phone. Pins, needles, or any other kind of poking device never occur to me.

2. It's water under the bridge. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Um, first of all, that second thing? TOTAL COP OUT. Second of all, why is there no other phrase for water under the bridge? I mean, I actually have to use that phrase (on a frighteningly regular basis) because there is no other way of saying what it means. Please someone suggest something. Tangential side note: when I imagine the water going under the bridge, it's always one of those old-timey rivers with the mill next to it. Does anyone else have memorable waters and bridges?

3. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. COP OUT.

4. Money doesn't grow on trees. No shit, Sherlock. I know that and I've never even passed an economics class. This is one of those condescending things. I get that we have to earn money blah blah blah. But wouldn't it be awesome if money did grow on trees?

5. Don't judge a book by it's cover. In the actual scenario with books and covers, I TOTALLY judge books by their covers. So does everyone else. That's why there's a whole publishing industry created around the branding of a book. HOWEVER, in the rest of life perhaps it's best not to judge the proverbial book by its proverbial cover. I mean, I'm no hater and being a feminist and all, I certainly don't like any sort of prejudicial connotations associated with covers or the outside or whatever. So, sure, whatever, don't judge. But when you're getting all snobby and telling someone else not to judge, at least come up with your own analogy that makes sense.

Wow. I didn't realize how many strong feelings I had. Good thing I paid all that money getting a writing degree that gave me rage against cliches so I could spend my time writing this. Full circle. Har har.