Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals CRAZY DELICIOUS

I don't mean to brag (liar), but I'm pretty good at being lazy. Especially on Sundays. I mean, I'm lazy on most days, but my laziness knows NO BOUNDS on Sunday. So, really, you should be thanking your lucky stars right now. Because I'm about to drop some serious knowledge on your mind grapes. I'm about to tell you the 5 best lazy Sunday activities you can engage in on a . . . lazy Sunday. Do you even realize the magic that is about to happen? This is like Mozart telling you to stop playing Heart & Soul so he can show you how it's done. Einstein telling you about E and what the crap it equals. Dane Cook telling you to SIT DOWN ALREADY because he's about to show you how to be the douchiest douche to have ever douched. I think you get the point.

1. Wake up in the late afternoon

Seriously, sleeping is like my favorite thing in the whole entire world, and it should be yours, too. You wanna know why? Because no one gets enough. It's like sex that way. So when Sunday rolls around, don't get out of bed unless you have to pee. Because, ew. And if you DO for some crazy reason get out of bed, MY GOD, get back in as soon as you can. You really shouldn't attempt to leave your bed at all (aside from bathroom/food breaks), but if you do feel the need to leave your apartment and be social, I've got you covered.

2. But first my hunger pains are sticking like duct tape

Get out of your house. Go on, get up. Also, get dressed. I know it's hard (that's what she said), but if you're going to face the outside world, you shouldn't do it in Superman pajama pants. Oh, who am I kidding, the world would be a much better place if everyone wore Superman pajama pants ALL THE TIME. Anyway. Now that you're mobile, you can head to brunch. Because listen. Brunch is the best meal ever invented. Not only can you have waffles and pancakes and bacon and cinnamon rolls the size of your face, but you can eat all this while drinking. Drinking booze. As Abigail pointed out earlier this week, it's always 5 o'clock somewhere, which means there really is no bad time to be drinking.

3. Let's hit up Yahoo maps to find the dopest route

After all those donuts and sausage links (hee), you're probably ready for a nap. So either repeat activity 1 for the rest of the day OR work off all those extra calories and mimosas and take a walk. Just do it. It's not like I'm asking you to run a marathon. I'm asking you to put one foot in front of the other. You don't even have to walk that fast. You can stroll. Amble. Saunter, even. Go to a pond or the woods or anywhere there are trees and squirrels frolicking and playing with their nuts and TAKE A FREAKING WALK. You can frolick, too, if you want, but you probably shouldn't play with your nuts in public unless you want to get arrested. Which is not, in fact, one of the 5 best lazy Sunday activities.

4. You can call us Aaron Burr from the way we're dropping Hamiltons

Now that you've become one with nature, it's time to become one with your credit card. Go stimulate (heh) the economy and stuff. I'm not one who enjoys shopping regularly, but if I DO go shopping, it's usually on Sunday. Because my brain only functions on one cylinder (I don't know what that means) on Sundays, shopping is perfect as it requires no brain cells. I prefer to go to the bookstore for like three hours, but that's just me. If you want to go clothes shopping (barf) or whatever, be my guest, but if you make me go with you, I'll complain the whole time until you take me to the book store.

5. Now quiet in the theater or it's gonna get tragic

By far the greatest activity one can engage in besides sleeping (I may be exaggerating) is going to the movies. SURE they're expensive and the people won't shut up and sometimes the guy beside you smells like a fart, but there are PREVIEWS. And POPCORN. And if you don't want to put up with movie patrons or prices, stay at home and watch a movie. Nothing that requires too much thought, however. And nothing serious. Basically, any movie that's on cable over and over all weekend is good stuff. God bless you, TBS.

(Bonus! 5 Best Lazy Sunday Movies: The Breakfast Club, Office Space, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Tommy Boy, Ghostbusters.)

THE END