Cast of Characters: Dwight K. Schrute, Cousin Mose, Willy Wonka, Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby (Architect), Andy Bernard, Bridget Jones, Hurley, Figment, Han Solo, Chewbacca, R2-D2
Jennie: Order! Order, please! Welcome to the first meeting of the Fictional Characters Coalition. I'm glad you could all make it. Well. Most of you made it, anyway. Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth Darcy decided not to join us after a . . . misunderstanding at the orientation cocktail hour last night. I understand Bridget HAS apologized, so let's move on.
Jennie: Yes, Dwight?
Dwight: Will there be beets served at this meeting?
Jennie: Um, no?
Dwight: Well, there will be now, because I've brought everyone a selection of Schrute Farm's finest beets. Mose?
Jennie: Dwight, could you make Mose stop throwing beets at people?
Jennie: Fantastic. Anyway . . .
Willy Wonka: We are the music makers. We are the dreamers of dreams.
Jennie: . . . OK, thank you, Mr. Wonka. Now, our first order of business is to elect a president.
Barney Stinson [standing]: If I might interrupt here. I think we all know I should be President on account of . . . I'm awesome.
Ted Mosby, Architect: I'd vote for President Swarley.
Barney: Don't call me that. NOW. Listen here. If I am President, I will decree that every man suit up EVERY DAY and every woman suit down EVERY NIIIIIGHT, oh yeah, high five.
Jennie: Yeah, no, Barney. Sit down.
Andy Bernard: If I may be so bold, when I was at Cornell, the Ivy League college I attended for four years, I was elected president of my acapella group and AS PRESIDENT, I took us all the way to the National Acapella Sing-a-long Finals. Therefore . . . I will be President.
Dwight: QUESTION. Shouldn't Andrew Bernard be disqualified for already having been interviewed this week?
Jennie: No, Dwight, we don't turn anyone away here.
Dwight: Well, we should. In any case, I would like to be Assistant President.
Jennie: Assistant to the President?
Dwight: No. Vice . . . Assistant President.
Jennie: Fine, Dwight. But we still need a President.
Bridget Jones: I nominate . . . Mr. Darcy!
Jennie: Well, Bridget, Mr. Darcy is not here because you poured water all over his shirt last night.
Bridget Jones: Oh. Right. Well. It was worth it.
Hurley: Dude. Is this almost over? I gotta get back to the island.
Jennie: Sorry, Hurley. Hey, do you want to be President? You get along with everyone. Even Sawyer.
Hurley: No way, dude. Good food you're serving, though.
Willy Wonka: The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Jennie: . . . Great. OK, I nominate Figment for President because he has a Rocketship (duh).
Figment: Thank you for this great honor, Jennie, I --
Han Solo: I have a rocketship.
Jennie: You can be Vice President, then.
Dwight: Excuse me, I believe I've already been granted Vice Assistant President status.
Jennie: Oh, right, you're Vice Assistant to the President. Han, you can be Secretary of . . . I don't know, shooting people with blasters.
Barney: Can I be Secretary of Awesome?
Jennie: Sure, whatever. Just sit down and BRIDGET JONES, you get away from that bar!
Bridget Jones: Sorry.
R2-D2: Bleep bloop bleep.
Jennie: . . .
Han Solo: Chewbacca has to go to the bathroom. Can R2-D2 take him?
Jennie: You don't have to ask my permission to go to the bathroom.
Dwight: QUESTION. Can they ask my permission to go to the bathroom?
Willy Wonka: Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink . . . yet.
Bridget Jones: Ooh, is there champagne?
Jennie: This meeting is adjourned.
Dwight: Thank you all for coming. Please file out in an orderly manner. Let's go, move it along.
Han Solo [takes out blaster]: I'll take care of this.
Jennie: Han Solo, did you just shoot Dwight?
Han Solo: . . . no?
Jennie: Give me that.
Jennie: Han Solo, you give me that blaster, RIGHT NOW.
Han: . . . fine.
Jennie: Thank you.
(don't worry, Dwight's OK)