The offer, Dwight, was for one punch, which I absorbed. I had no idea there’d be a second punch, so . . .catch-22.

Look. As much as I talk about kicking people in the babymaker and the nuts and whatnot, I'm not a violent person. I don't like actual physical violence, but I like threatening people with it. You might be thinking, "that makes no sense," but what . . . are you new here or something?

Tyra Banks

Look, America's Next Top Model is high on my list of guilty pleasures, but I've almost had to stop watching it because of Miss Tyra. Can you imagine? Having to STOP WATCHING a TV show? The sky would fall to the Earth and everyone would be all, "wtf, Chicken Little, where the hell were you?" If you study each season of ANTM, which I have AT LENGTH, normally during a Saturday or Sunday VH1/MTV marathon, you can actually watch her getting more and more obnoxious as the seasons progress. And now she has her own talk show. Someone must stop her and if that someone is me, I will do it by PUNCHING. And possibly kicking. Maybe even biting. It's only fair, she's like 8 feet tall and I? I am not.

Bill O'Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Sean Hannity/Tucker Carlson/Nancy Grace/all the other talking heads that make me want to stab myself in the eyes (and ears)

I put all of these . . . people together because I don't think any of them have enough humanity to fill up an actual person. Therefore, I am allowed to punch all of them. Also, Jon Stewart will help me by berating one of them and calling him a dick on national television and it will be awesome (watch it all, it's worth it):

The Douchebag Brothers from Top Chef

Spike and Andrew from this season of Top Chef make me want to punch them every time they open their mouths. Let's put it this way. They both think talking like Borat is funny. The end.

Scott Stapp

Look, I know he's not really famous anymore and ALSO I don't even think Creed is a band anymore, but I don't care. As long as radio stations insist on playing his songs (why, GOD, WHY?), I will want to punch him.

Dane Cook

If I could give the world one gift (besides taking Two and a Half Men off the air), it would be to permanently erase Dane Cook from the Earth. I don't mean kill him or anything, I mean, every comedy special he's ever done? Gone. Every movie he's ever made? GONE. Then I'd banish him to Siberia or something and his punishment would be to listen to Jessica Simpson perform his comedy bits. Also, I'd punch him in the face.