Monday, 14 July 2008

Assholery, revisisted

heather Back when The Collective was but a twee sapling, we each listed out for you reasons that we are assholes. 6 months later we've decided to revisit that topic, to paint an even more accurate picture of ourselves. Here are 5 more things you should know about me, in terms of asshole-ism.

1) My dogs are better-behaved than most children, and I don't mind saying so.
I even recently suggested to a woman that she try clicker-training her four-year-old. "When she shuts her gob, shove a treat in her mouth and click," I said. "Click and treat, click and treat, click and treat. It can't hurt."

2) Because I am a Regal Crown Club Member, I always get the secret tattle-tale remote control at the movie theater.
I am not afraid to use it.

3) When people don't use their own bags at the grocery store, I chide them.
Because enough destroying the earth! You can buy cloth bags for 99 cents, and you only need about six for a full load of groceries! Or you can get, like, tw0 of those blue IKEA bags. You can fit the whole of Trader Joe's into those things.

4) If someone forwards me a bullshit email about how Democrats kill puppies, or how important blow jobs are to the success of the economy, or how if I love Jesus and want a trillion dollars from Bill Gates I need forward along the message, I will reply with a rebuttal to every single person on the forward list.
I've lost friends this way.

5) I say the lines out loud to my favorite movies, even if there are other people in the room.
"From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry."

"Somewhere in the middle of all this I fell in love with you. I'm saying I love you. I'm saying it out loud. Don't say we're not right for each other, because the way I see it we might not be right for anyone else. It can't be any harder to stay together than it was to stay apart. Kate, I need you. I need you."

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?"

"Yes, is being my answer. Easy question."

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