At first I thought I'd have trouble coming up with five more reasons why I'm an asshole. Not because I'm NOT an asshole or anything, but because I'm lazy and thinking is hard.
1. Don't help me, dammit!
This is a regular occurrence at work:
I get really mad because someone dumps a bunch of work on me and no one offers to help and then later? When someone DOES offer to help me with it? I'm all, "NO THIS IS MY WORK YOU STAY AWAY FROM IT OR I'LL CUT YOU! I'LL CUT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!"
2. Don't get borned, dammit!
I'll forget your birthday. I might remember it's your birthday sometime during THE DAY OF your birthday, but your present will be late. (Sorry, Kat!) I also send thank you cards late. And Christmas presents. And pretty much anything that goes through the US Mail.
3. Prepare to be judged, dammit!
I'm silently judging you. Like, when you're outside my office, talking to someone about how excited you are to see The Happening*? First, I wonder if you have access to the Internets and then I scoff at your movie choices. I scoff! Did you hear me scoffing? No, you didn't, because I did it silently.
4. Like what I like, dammit!
You don't like The Office/Anchorman/Weezer/etc? How DARE you. Really, you should like everything I like because I know everything and am always right.
5. Get it right, dammit!
Your grammar? I will correct it. Out loud. In front of others. I'm sorry. But I get mad at people if they correct my grammar. Also! If you get a movie quote wrong, I will call you out on it, although, to be fair, I will try and stop myself. Like, last week? I was talking to a coworker at a luncheon and this happened:
Him: I expected more from a varsity athlete.
Everyone: Um . . . what?
Him: You know, that movie . . .
Everyone: . . .
Him: Oh, what's that movie? Sixteen Candles! Yeah.
Me [in my head]: That's not Sixteen Candles.
Him: You know! You've never seen Sixteen Candles? "Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns."
Me [in my head]: That's not fucking Sixteen Candles! THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Him: I can't believe you guys have never seen Sixteen Candles.
Me: Um . . . that's from The Breakfast Club.
Him: Oh YEAH! That one guy did all those movies . . . oh, you know . . .
Me: SIGH. John Hughes.
Him: Right, right.
Then my head exploded and I got brains all over everyone. What an asshole.
*The Happening? More like, The CRAPenning. OH SNAP.