love me, love me, say that you love me

I thought long and hard (heh) about who my first crush was, and the closest I could come was Bobby from first grade. I don't think I noticed him until the end of the year, when we decided suddenly that we were best friends. The teacher told us that to pick someone to sit next to for the remainder of the year, so of course we picked each other (BFF), and when he put his arm around me to celebrate (what a FLOOZY) I thought, "Hmm, I could get used to this," which is a BIG DEAL because I like my personal space. I think there was a crush-worthy boy in kindergarten, although I can't for the life of me remember his name. However, I do remember that this little 6-year-old whore stole my seat one day when we were making mother's day cards, and the seat was next to crush-worthy boy, and so I squirted glue at her. Because she was in my seat! MY SEAT! Ahem.

My parents would probably disagree with both of the above first crushes. They'd say my first crush happened when I was 3 or 4, and we were at my cousin Jenny's wedding. Legend has it, I fell in love with a little blonde-haired boy and made him dance with me throughout most of the reception. I call shenanigans on the first-crush front because I don't remember this at all (pictures do not count as memories and yes there are pictures and no I don't have them so no you can't see them). Ahem.

There were other crushes, of course, some lasting ALL THE WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, but those are boring because I never, ever did anything about them. Which is good because then they technically wouldn't be crushes anymore. The point of a crush is to sit idly by, watching and waiting for your crush to notice you, and ignoring those nagging thoughts that THEY NEVER, EVER WILL AND NO ONE LOVES YOU AND YOU WILL DIE ALL ALONE SO GET USED TO IT. Ahem.

To be honest, I've always been much more enamoured with fictional characters, starting with Kermit the Frog and moving right along to Jim Halpert, because there's a reason those crushes ignore me. They're not real people (it hurt to type that). And so, here is a list of all of the fictional characters I have had crushes on, in chronological order (I think):

Buster Bunny (this could explain why I used to do imitations of Babs on the playground)

Zack Morris (even though he had weird hair, it still wasn't as weird as Slater's)

Kevin Arnold

Mike Seaver

Oliver Wood (even though he belongs to Abigail)

Mr. Darcy (both the Austen and Firth variety)

Chandler Bing

Fox Mulder

Sydney Bristow/Michael Vaughan (who can decide?)

Marshall

Chuck Bartowski

Dr. Horrible

(also DUH Jim Halpert, obviously)