no, you girls never know

Good news, everyone! I haven't been to the movies in a while and I don't have time to watch an actual movie this week on account of I'M PACKING BECAUSE OMG I'M MOVING ON SATURDAY so you get to hear me babble about my favorite Lifetime movies. Aren't you lucky? Yes. Yes is being your answer.

The "I Stabbed Tori Spelling" Movie: OK, let's break this down. Kellie Martin is not popular. Tori Spelling is very popular. Kellie Martin REALLY REALLY wants to be a cheerleader so she tries out and makes JV or something. Tori Spelling makes varsity because DID YOU HEAR she is totally popular. Kellie tries to be friends with Tori but Tori is all, "no way," because she's not as nice as Cher Horowitz and doesn't believe in charity cases (that was way harsh, Tori). Kellie is like, "eff, I blew it," but devises a plan to invite Tori to a party that either doesn't exist or neither was invited to but IT DOESN'T MATTER because Tori finds out in the car on the way there, freaks out, calls Kellie names, and storms out of the car. And then Kellie Martin stabs Tori Spelling several times, and it's awesome, especially considering how annoying Tori Spelling has gotten in the past couple of years. Unfortunately, Kellie Martin gets payback for this when she is on ER, and that dude stabs her and Carter and she dies (sorry, spoiler).

The "DJ gets R-ed by Zack Morris" Movie: This movie also has Six from Blossom in it. Basically, DJ gets raped by Zack Morris and no one believes her because Zack Morris is such a nice boy. But no he isn't because he totally date raped DJ Tanner and THAT IS NOT NICE. Also, no one believes her because she'd been drinking and was dressed kind of slutty, and everyone knows that if you've been drinking PLUS ALSO you're dressed like a slut, you're basically just giving consent to every man that sees you.

The "DJ Joins Delta Delta Delta Can I Help Ya Help Ya Help Ya?" Movie: Wait. I think this might actually be the same movie as the one above. Hmm. Does Six die in The "DJ Gets R-ed by Zack Morris" Movie? OH WAIT! IMDB has solved the mystery. This movie doesn't star DJ and Six, it stars Hilary Swank and Six. This movie has everything. EVEN ZACK MORRIS AGAIN. Did you see why I got these movies confused? Geez, Lifetime, find some new actors and stop corrupting my childhood.

The "Zack Morris is a Man-Whore" Movie: I don't remember much about this one, but it's one of my favorites because of one thing -- at one point, Zack and his girlfriend run away and are living on the streets, so they have no money and Zack has to whore himself to rich men. Oh, Zack. Ew, also? The reason Zack and his girlfriend have to run away is because his girlfriend is 14 and Zack is 19 and her parents don't approve, probably because they saw what he did to DJ Tanner.

The "Kevin Arnold Beats DJ" Movie: (Before I get to the review, did you know Fred Savage has directed episodes of My Boys, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Ugly Betty, Boy Meets World, AND HANNAH MONTANA? Oh, Kevin.)

Basically, DJ is a wallflower and Kevin is Mr. Popular (not his real name) and DJ can't believe it when Mr. Popular wants to date her! Yay! Then he gets abusey and nobody likes someone who is abusey, no matter how popular he is. I have no idea how this movie ends or anything, but I had to include it because it turned Kevin Arnold all roidy. What's that about?

The "Pre-Oscar Hilary Swank Goes BATSHIT CRAZY" Movie: You guys, I saved this for last because, and this is not hyperbole, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Hokay, so. Hilary is rebellious, like many teens in Lifetime movies, and meets A Boy. This boy is BAD NEWS, like many boys in Lifetime movies, and you can tell he's BAD NEWS because he makes Hilary do dangerous things like . . . climb water towers. DANGER. Oh, btw, her parents are played by Kevin Arnold's dad and the mom from Growing Pains (another Lifetime movie regular). Hilary starts staying out all night and fighting with her parents and so, naturally, her mom hits the bottle. So does her little brother, who I think is like twelve or something. Somehow her mom never notices that her little boy is all hungover every morning but that's probably because she's counting down the minutes until her awful family leaves her alone so she can hit the bottle EVEN HARDER. Things get really bad, what with the rebelling and the drinking and the yelling, and it all comes to a head one night when Hilary tries to leave to go see her Bad Boy Boyfriend. Hilary is yelling at her parents, her parents are yelling at Hilary and all of the sudden Hilary FREAKS OUT, starts making growly animal noises and threatens to totally kill someone if they don't let her out of the house. There is a lot of ACTING CAPITAL A going on because this is before someone told Hilary you can't win Oscars for Lifetime movies. I think she might even throw a phone at someone. Or a knife. I can't remember which. Anyway, the best part is when her little brother stumbles down the stairs with a bottle of booze all, "whaaaa's goin on down herrrrre?" and that's when Mr. Arnold and Joanna Kerns are like, "parenting FAIL," and I don't remember how it all ends but someone probably dies because, I mean, it's Lifetime so someone always dies. THE END.

Also, remember the time Tori Spelling was a call girl? That was awesome.