Sunday, 8 November 2009

A Whole New World: Interview with the Disney Princesses

heather This holiday season, the first animated African American princess will dance and sing her way onto the silver screen (and into our hearts) in Disney's much-hyped return to 2D animation, The Princess and the Frog. To mark the significance of the event (and preemptively celebrate the hundred gajillion dollars worth of Princess Tiana dolls Santa will deliver this Christmas), Disney's Magic Kingdom held an elaborate induction ceremony last month for their newest royal family member.

After the ceremony — which included a lot of kiss-blowing, scroll-reading and twirling on a river boat — I sat down with Tiana and her new best friends to talk about fashion, love, and what it's really like to be a Princess.

Collective: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Tiana, how does it feel to be an official Disney Princess?

Tiana: It's just a dream come true. Prince Naveen is always saying: when you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you!

Snow White: Oh, my Mickey.

Tiana: Pardon?

Snow White: Nothing. Go ahead.

Collective: Erm, OK. So, um, Tiana, are you excited that The Princess and the Frog will finally hit theaters in December?

Tiana: Yes, Naveen and I are so ecstatic about our chance to —

Snow White: [deep, exasperated sigh]

Tiana: I'm sorry; have I done something to upset you, Snow White?

Snow White: You don't have to bring up Naveen every time somebody asks you a question.

Tiana: I know, but we're so happy together and my heart just feels like it will burst if I don't sing about our love!

Snow White: Well, it won't.

Collective: Is this a bad time?

Cinderella: Oh, just ignore Snowy. She's upset because her film is going back into the Vault soon. She gets like this every time we get a new Princess.

Snow White: I do not!

Ariel: Yes, you do. And to make matters worse, I heard you and a certain Dwarf were caught in a compromising position in the Swiss Family treehouse this morning, and Donald threatened not to let you come to the ceremony at all.

Snow White: Oh, you're one to talk about compromising positions! You get ridden more than Space Mountain!

Jasmine: Whoa! Too far, Snowy!

Collective: Wow. Um. You know, I can come back later if ...

Jasmine: No, it's fine. Please go ahead.

Collective: OK. Um. So, Tiana, how does — Sorry, I just ... I mean, I thought all of you were married to the princes from your movies.

Sleeping Beauty: Some of us are married to the princes from our movies.

Mulan: Yeah, and some of us realize Eisenhower is no longer in office and we don't have to stay in loveless relationships and give up our jobs so that big, strong men can feel included in society.

Cinderella: Yes, some of us have left big, strong men out of our lives entirely.

Mulan: A lot of good a "big, strong man" has done you. The last time you got laid was ... never.

Cinderella: How dare you, you opposite-marrying trollop!

Collective: Hang on. Mulan, you're gay?

Mulan: Yep.

Collective: Wow, that makes so much sense. And who are you dating?

Mulan: Meg. You know, from Hercules.

Collective: Oh yeah! At least out loud, I won't say I'm in loooove. Great song. So, who is Hercules seeing?

Ariel: He's actually married to Prince Eric.

Collective: OK, that also makes so much sense. Are you dating anyone, Ariel?

Jasmine: She's with Aladdin.

Ariel: It's a whole new world, I'll tell you that. Aladdin knows his way around a magic carpet.

Jasmine: You know, he really does! I had forgotten! Is he still, like, way overly-fond of Xtina's "Genie in a Bottle," though?

Ariel: OMM, yes! Gotta rub me the right way, honey.

Jamine: Ha ha ha! Oh, good times.

Collective: OK, so Jasmine, you're dating...

Ariel: Eh, she's kind of seeing Buzz Lightyear and Belle's old flame.

Collective: Belle, you're not with the Beast anymore?

Belle: Hmm? Sorry, I just had —

Mulan: A dreamy far-off look.

Jasmine: And your nose stuck in a book.

Belle: Oh, you two, hush!

Collective: I was just wondering if you're dating anyone.

Belle: I've been seeing Prince Harry.

Collective: Like, the Prince Harry?

Belle: Mmm hmm.

Collective: Wow. That's ... a lot of information. Um, so, you guys live in the Magic Kingdom, but did you know there are millions of little girls around the world that are just completely enamored with you? Besides your movies, there are coloring books and dolls and costumes. I had five Disney Princesses trick-or-treat at my house for Halloween.

Sleeping Beauty: Ooh, who were they dressed as?

Cinderella: Yes, who were they?

Collective: Oh, I ... uh ... don't remember.

Sleeping Beauty: Yes, you do! Just tell us!

Collective I think there were two Snow Whites, two Cinderellas and an Ariel.

Sleeping Beauty: An Ariel! She doesn't even have legs, for Minnie's sake!

Ariel: I have legs!

Cinderella: And an ass the size of a Hatter's teacup.

Mulan: Cindy, shut up.

Jasmine: Guys, come on; this is getting ridiculous.

Snow White: You're ridiculous. Go put some clothes on; you look like a common prostitute.

Jasmine: Give me a break; your best friend is Betty Boop.

Tiana: You guys, this should be the happiest day of my life, and I am SO SAD NOW!

Jasmine: Didn't you bring any booze with you from the French Quarter?

Collective: OK, you know what? This is plenty of information. Tiana, congratulations on becoming a princess. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to show the video of your induction ceremony instead of running this interview.

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