Every so often, I will go through a period where I sleep like crap. I am currently in one of those periods. There's usually no reason for it. I'm not any more stressed than I normally am, despite the layoffs at work and the wedding planning (pfft, what planning?) and the everyday stresses like bill-paying and grocery-going and house-cleaning and blah blah blah. That stuff has been around for weeks, months, YEARS, EONS, AHHHHH. I don't know.During these insomnia cycles, I try everything in my power not to disrupt my sleep in any way. I don't drink caffeine after noon. I don't eat weird things like monkey brains or chocolate covered grasshoppers right before bed. I don't watch or read anything scary before I (try to) go to sleep, except for that time last week when I read In Cold Blood before bed every night and, hmm, maybe that was the problem ANYWAY. The most important thing of all, though, is that I don't get drunk during these periods. I know what you're saying -- you're saying, "Jennie, drink until you PTFO (pass the fuck out), that's almost like sleeping," and I will say to you, "stop trying to get me drunk, jerks, I can do that on my own JUST FINE." But seriously, folks, for some reason, whenever I get drunk, it signals my brain to wake me up about four hours too early and then I lie there, stuck somewhere between drunk and hangover, wishing I could just SLEEP. Or die. One of those.
So that is why I'm not drunk right now, even though it's Drunk Posting week. But you know what's a lot like being drunk? Being sleep-deprived. The other night, I collapsed in a fit of giggles over...nothing. And nothing says DRUNK like giggling over nothing. Except maybe spacing out at work because trying to concentrate on anything for longer than five minutes gives me no-fun-vibes, which makes me want to DO WHAT I WANT and what I want to do is sleep. Or an incurable case of marble-mouthed-stuttering while talking on the phone, which happened to me yesterday, causing me give up on that train of thought mid-sentence and say, "I'm sorry. I'm really tired." BECAUSE I WAS REALLY TIRED, YOU GUYS, SO, SO TIRED. I went to bed at 9:30 last night! You want to know why? Because I keep waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and then I can't go back to sleep. And I really want to! I love sleep! If sleep were a tiny child, I would buy it ice cream. If it were a puppy, I'd pat its furry, little head and feed it slices of cheese because dogs love cheese, did you know that? THEY LOVE IT. And if sleep were a person, I would either full on make out with it, right in the face, or I'd wrestle it like an alligator, whatever made it submit to my will and LET ME SLEEP ALREADY. OMG, did I just rape sleep? I'm so tired.
My point is, if I can be sleep-deprived at work, I should be allowed to be drunk at work because it's the same. That's all.
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4 comments:
oh man, i do the stuttering too when i'm sleep deprived. which is always.
Also, this morning I left without my cell phone OR MY GLASSES. I am going to use this four day weekend and sleep the whole time, I think.
Unisom. Is all I'm saying. Well, ok, no it's not, on account of we lawyers almost never actually stop talking once we get started... so, I'm ALSO going to say that you should take it early, like say, 8:30, on account of it takes forever to wear off in the morning. But boy-oh-boy does it work! Like, I can't remember the last time I don't remember night. But that's the best sleeping, those nights you just don't remember it being night AT ALL, and that's Unisom, is all I'm saying.
Oh yeah, and also? You should probably keep drinking between now and the wedding on account of you want to keep your liver in top shape for all the toasts at the reception, is the other thing that's all I'm saying.
That was probably the funniest rape joke I ever heard.
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