I paid Joe five dollars to say nice things about me.

Jennie Is Not An Asshole*, by Joe:

I’m sitting here staring at a blank screen, trying to write Jennie’s post for her (yet again, I think I must be her designated guest-poster, even when it’s not guest-post week), and the problem I’m having is that I’m not sure where to start.

Should I write about how she’s not an asshole to me? I could talk about how she always – always – makes me laugh hysterically at nothing in particular, or about how, when I’m having a bad day, she’s johnny-on-the-spot with piling on the hugs. I could discuss how she occasionally shames me into working out because duh, it’s good for me, and then she’s all ‘I told you so’ when I feel good as a result of said working out, but it’s not in an asshole-way because I know she only says I told you so because she knows it’ll shame me into working out more and that’s pretty much what I need. The general gist of that entry would be that she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and how could she be that if she was an asshole?

But that’s so specific. It might be better to talk about how she’s not an asshole to the general public. Like how she’s super-thoughtful and always writes a thank you note when she receives a gift. Seriously, I’ve never seen this before, but she’ll receive a gift and then, five minutes later, she’ll have the thank you note written and in an envelope with the gift-giver’s address on it. I remember being forced to write thank you notes to relatives when I was younger and what a pain that was (what am I least looking forward to after the wedding?), and she just does it like it’s nothing.** I could get a whole post out of how in awe I am of her and her consideration for others. How she’s a great daughter and an amazingly patient big sister, or how she volunteers her time to help grieving children. I defy anyone to call someone who does that an asshole.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to just write about all of that, but to try to keep it short, as going into full detail on all of those topics would yield quite the hefty tome. There are things I’ll have to leave out, of course, but readers will get the general idea. Maybe I’ll end it with a picture or something that illustrates her not-asshole-ness, like how she always humors me when I have ridiculous ideas, like joint Halloween costumes.



Yeah. I think that’ll work.

*am too

**Note: after she read this, Jennie told me that she doesn’t like writing ‘Thank You’ notes. She only writes them for people that she thinks would care about receiving a thank you note. See? So considerate. [editor's note: I still think I am awful about writing Thank You notes, and also sending birthday/Christmas gifts to people on time, and correspondence in general. That's all.]