Wednesday, 19 January 2011

We! Stole! Our! Cheer! From! The! Jets!

Bonsoir, canards! Tonight I will be live blogging a hockey game, specifically the hockey game in which the Washington Capitals play the Philadelphia Flyers in the City of Brotherly Love, a nickname that is so laughable on a whole host of planes, many of which I am sure we will discuss throughout the course of the evening. (Programming note: I know I’ve been referencing "tonight" and the "evening" and unless something (not at all, really) horrible goes wrong you are likely reading this in the morning. So let me just clarify that I am writing this on Tuesday, January 18 at, oh, 6:45 p.m.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah, live blogging. Now, I’ve never live blogged anything before so in preparation I’ve had a beer (Anchor Steam) and half a box of Wheat Thins so I think I’m ready? Sure. LET’S DO THIS THING.

Time: 6:47
Drink: Red, red wine

I’d like to say I’m now drinking red wine so as to more completely ROCK THE RED (see what I did there? No, you probably don’t.) but really it’s just because I’m out of Anchor Steams and I didn’t realize we only have six Miller Lites in the fridge and the Habs play the Sabres at 7:30 so I gots to save those for my boyfriend. Because I am on very rare occasions a thoughtful girlfriend.

Right now Smokin’ Al and Alan May are talking about faceoffs, at which the Caps RULE. And that brings us to Hockey 101 Lesson 1: The Faceoff. A faceoff starts the game play. Usually the respective centers for each team take the faceoff. There are a lot of circles around the rink and one of the officials points to one of those circles based upon a variety of factors. All on the up and up, I assure you. ANYWAY. The centers then skate over to that particular circle and stand face-to-face, waiting for the official to drop the puck. At which point the two centers try to get control of the puck first. Hence, the “face off.” Oh, and the player for the away team has to put his stick on the ice first. Or something. It's been a long day and I'm trying to type real fast.

Dudes, that took a really long time. Imma just gonna link to Wackopedia from now on.

Time: 7:01
Oh, Joe B. He starts every game with the punniest intro IN THE WORLD. I hate puns. I wonder if he writes them himself.

Time: 7:03
Hey look, they interviewed Brooksie! Dude is fucking hot. Kinda wish he’d grow his hair back out (in Canada they say “oot”), though.

Time: 7:08
Drink: More red, red wine.

The theme from Rocky, how original, Philly. You might as well set up a xenophobic cheesesteak factory and then promote it all over the various food television networks. Oh wait, you already did.

And while I was typing, the puck was dropped!

You know what’s a funny name for a defensive maneuver? Poke check. That's a real thing, I swear.

Time: 7:10
Shit. Jeff Carter just scored on a wrap-around. Good thing the Caps like it from behind. Heh. (This may or may not stop being dirty in the third period. Did I mention that hockey is divided into three periods? Well welcome to Hockey 101 Lesson 1(a): The Period.

Time: 7:12
Fight! Fight! Fight! D.J. King hasn’t been in our lineup for about a billion years, and best I can tell it’s because he has no actual hockey skills other than fighting. No one really won that one, but if I remember I’ll try and find the video on for your viewing pleasure.

[I did! You guys, this site fucking rules. I'm for 100% serious on this.


Locker is now proclaiming his love for Smokin' Al. Hotness.

Time: 7:18
My boyfriend just came home from work. I am hearing "blah blah blah, she's so cute I love her, blah blah blah." I'm assuming it's nothing I have to worry about.

Commercial break.

Time: 7:20
Game back on, boyfriend saying something about "nuts on my face." No idea what he's talking about. (In Canada they say "aboot".) Sure wish my team would stop running into each other. (Today it's Stecks into Beags, and hopefully doesn't result in a horrible, disfiguring injury. (Not the face! NOT THE FACE!) Also, my boyfriend is STILL talking! I thought chicks were the ones with all the words!

Time: 7:24
Awesome save by Neuvy, key member of my fantasy hockey team. I won the league last year ($450 HOLLA!) and have first place this year handily... in hand. Also I met Neuvy last fall. He's a cute kid, which I probably only think because he laughed at my jokes. Yes, I am a joke whore. SHOCKER.

Time: 7:30


So, Winston is sitting here meowing in my face, and you want to know why? Because my boyfriend is in the bathroom pooping. I have no idea why he does it (Winston/meow, not boyfriend/poop, though I do wonder how it's possible for someone to poop so much and still remain living, but that is a discussion for another time), but every night my boyfriend goes to the bathroom to poop and Winston sits there and meows. It... makes life interesting? I don't know. I guess this is why other people procreate.

Oh hey, it's our first penalty kill of the night! /groan

Time: 7:34
Stecks with a pretty obvious hook. Jerk. (I've met him too! Once at a Caps event, where he didn't laugh at any of my jokes, and once at a concert. Though, in my defence, it is impossible to be coherent in his presence, if for no other reason than his wife is fucking H-O-T.) And at least we're pretty good at it. The PK, I mean. Which brings us to Hockey 101 Lesson 2! There is no icing for the team on the PK. And in this case icing does not = frosting, but I can't tell you what icing is until there is one in the game. Sorry, that's the rules of live blogging.

EFF THIS BULLSHIT. Fucking Ovi got fucking high-sticked in the GODDAMN FACE and the refs didn't call it. I swear, the other team could grab a folding chair and bash him over the head and the refs wouldn't call it. Also, there's some bullshit about not letting us change lines (Hey, icing!) which I'm not going to bore you with, just know that it was TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Oh yeah, we successfully killed that penalty.

Time: 7:42
Thus ends the first period. I'm not going to say we played badly, but I will say we didn't play very urgently. Imma gonna finish my wine and maybe make my dinner while my boyfriend commandeers the good teeeee veeeeee.

Time: 8:01
Drink: Yet more red, red wine

In a move that is going to kill my fantasy numbers, Neuvy has been replaced by Varly. They are presuming it's because of a g-g-g-groin injury. A g-g-g-groin injury. (Do you know what that's from? If so, you could replace me as my boyfriend's primary meal provider! Lucky you!) Speaking of my boyfriend, I missed the beginning of the period because he was hogging the teeeeeee veeeeeeeeeeee.

Bullshit Flyers got away with a Too Many Men On The Ice non-call. Which pretty much equates to SANCTIONED CHEATING. Also, the Flyers have a DUDE on their team named Jody. I'm just saying.

Time: 8:04
Guys, I cooked some chicken to go on my salad that smells AWESOME. I'm just saying.

Joe B. just said, "Poked in the high slot." Heh.

Also, can't type. Watching game.


Time: 9:10
So the Caps just scored two goals in about five seconds and the game's all tied up now and I'm trying to tell my boyfriend all about it and he's all, "Blah blah blah, bitch, why you talking?" and then I'm all like, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD."

To be fair, he's trying to watch his game on the tiny teeeeee veeeeee.

But still.

Also, I ate an ice cream sammich and it was good.

Time: 11:56
Drink: Vodka soda

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Obviously I stopped live blogging the Caps game. But before I did I hopped on the Collective Hotline to proffer my excuse, which was all of "Hockey live blog is a no go. I'm too full of angry and jalapenos." Which was true. So why am I still typing? I HAVE NO IDEA. Because the Caps game went into OT (overtime) and we lost but then the Sabres went into OT (remember them?) and they won. And dudes, I freaking LOVE me some Ryan Miller. Also, I feel like I need to apologize for what will forever be known as The Most Boring Collective Post EVA.

Here's some pictures:
thrashers vs. capslightning vs. capsislanders vs. capssenators vs. caps


mysterygirl! said...

I totally saw what you were doing there with Rock the Red.

Jennie said...

This is my favorite post ever. I learned so much about hockey and also Seth/Winston/poop.

PS: I am also a joke whore.

eclectic said...

For a hockey post that (sadly) contained no actual photos of Brooks Laich, this was AMAZING! Also, "poke check" is making me giggle.

Abigail said...

I love this! I demand more sports drunk blogs.

Heather Anne Hogan said...

Well, that's the most excited I've ever been about hockey!