So, recently, scientists discovered the cure for the hangover. FINALLY. Curing hangovers is way more important than curing, I don't know, cancer or whatever. Anyway, it turns out the cure for the hangover is...coffee and aspirin. That's it? Really? I guess I'm a scientist because I've been using both of those remedies for YEARS now. And so has everyone else. In the world. Way to go, science! Even dinosaurs drank coffee to get rid of their hangovers. Not a lot of people know that, but it's true..
I feel like I have a lot of experience in this area. This area being, of course, getting too drunk and waking up feeling like ass. You will now benefit from my mistakes, though, because not only can I tell you what to do to cure your hangover, I can tell you what NOT to do. Obviously, the easiest way to cure a hangover is to, you know, NOT drink. But for me to recommend that would be both hypocritical and ill-advised (given the group I'm addressing), so obviously I'm not condoning sobriety. So if you must drink, please abide by the following:
1. Drink water (duh) and take some painkillers (double duh)
Drink water before you pass out but wait to take the painkillers until you wake up. I don't remember why but I read somewhere that you shouldn't take the drugs until you're not drunk anymore. That's actually the opposite of what I usually do (which is chug a glass of water with an ibuprofen chaser before I tumble into bed) so whatever, I'm sure both ways are fine.
2. Eat greasy food/drink some caffeine
My go to greasy-food-hangover-cure is Wendy's. It has been since college, although I'm not sure how or why that originated. I DO know that we had a little chant we would do when we wanted to go to Wendy's and that was: ch-ch-ch-ch-ch WENDY'S and then we'd make a "W" with our hands. Yeah. I don't know why either. Anyway, if I get a single with cheese (and onion, lettuce, ketchup, and mayo), LOTS of fries, and a giant Coke, I'm good to go. Your mileage may vary.
My second favorite greasy food cure is BREAKFAST, namely: scrambled eggs, bacon, toast/english muffin, and coffee. Lots of coffee. And more water.
The caffeine is just as important as the food. Science said so, remember?
The older I get, the harder it is for me to sleep past, like, 9, which is gross and wrong. It's even worse if I drank a lot the night before, which is even grosser and wronger. The worse the hangover, the more you need sleep, but I have a really hard time sleeping if I'm hungover. It could be the headache. It could be the angry tummy. Or it could be because it's taking all of my energy to hold onto the bed because WHY IS IT SPINNING AROUND THE ROOM? In any case, I find if I get up, drink some water, maybe take some more painkillers, and brush my teeth, I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours and usually, USUALLY, I feel at least a teensy bit better than I did the first time I woke up.
So get some sleep.
4. But not on the floor
This is so, so obvious, but when you pass out drunk on the floor, you're more than likely going to wake up sober on the floor and that's just never a good idea. I am far past the age where crashing on a friend's floor (sans air mattress, maybe) is OK, so luckily I haven't done this (on purpose) in a long time. Sleep is so precious when you're hungover so why would you ruin it by trying to sleep on the floor? Sleep on a couch if you can't sleep in a bed. Or crawl into any bed you can find. Anywhere but the floor.
Note: I slept part of the night on the floor after my bachelorette party, but I felt so bad the next day that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd slept on a bed made of clouds, surrounded by puppies.
5. Don't drive home from Chicago on less than four hours of (drunk) sleep
I have done this so many times and every time I hate hate HATE myself because what's stupider than staying up (drinking) until 6 in the morning and only sleeping for a few hours? Doing that and then driving from Chicago to Ohio, getting home at 10 because you have to stop every hour to pee/get water or caffeine/get greasy food/retch, and working the next day.
The only thing that makes this better is if someone is with you. Heidi and I have made this drive together multiple times and even though we somehow got lost once in Indianapolis without ever even getting off the highway (point: hangovers make you really, really stupid), it's still preferable to making the hungover drive all by yourself.
6. Don't move
When I'm hungover, like head-spinning-hungover, I have to stay perfectly still for a certain amount of time (this varies) or my head will fall off. So I lay on my back with my eyes closed, hands clasped on my stomach or arms thrown over my face (the light is so bright, you guys) until my head stops floating around the room and finds its way back to the top of my neck where it belongs.
7. Drink more booze
"Hair of the dog" is a thing for a reason. I think Bloody Marys taste like evil but I'm a big fan of mimosas. If I'm being honest, though, I hardly ever use this remedy to combat my hangovers because I'm always afraid my liver will fall out.
8. Vow to never drink again
Do this, don't do this, it doesn't really matter. You might vow to lay off the booze forever if your hangover is bad enough, and you might even mean it, but it won't last. And when you head back to alcohol's sweet embrace and it bitchslaps you into Hangovertown, just go back to #1 up there and start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start. Julie Andrews doesn't lie, you know, even about hangovers. I wouldn't recommend eating a spoonful of sugar to get rid of one, but if you try it, let me know if it works, OK?