#humblebrag

Three-fifths of my day is spent in contemplating my many, many flaws, the full list of which I've yet to come anywhere near finishing. I am moody and high-strung, quick to anger and slow to forgive. I'm too weak to lift heavy objects and too slow to be an effective running partner. I can't reach cans perched on high shelves. I am a light sleeper. But I think the very worst of my shortcomings is my remarkable capability. I can pretty much do anything, which leaves me particularly bereft of amusing anecdotes about past foibles. In short, I am FAIL Blog's worst nightmare.


deal with it

I was born with impeccable taste and an innate savoir-faire. A natural athlete, I was the youngest person to ever compete in the Tour de France, finishing a respectable sixth place at the age of three.


deal with it

In fact, as a child I was so witty and pretty and bright that I inspired all of my parents' many friends to go forth and procreate in hopes that their own offspring may one day emulate my many successes.


deal with it

It should therefore come as no surprise that I was (and this is really the only way to describe it) a RAGING SUCCESS at my first job: Babysitter Extraordinaire. Parents across South Florida had such faith in my abilities that they placed me in charge of their precious cargoes long before I could even drive a car. In later years I transitioned into full-time nanny for a rag-tag group of well-to-do moppets, ages ranging from three months to eight years, and for five years I single-handedly raised those four kids (on winter, spring, and summer vacations). In fact, when people ask why I don't have any children of my own (so good I am at motherhood) I tell them I ALREADY DONE DID THAT SHIT. And how could one possibly improve upon perfection?

I achieved equal success in subsequent jobs. In college I consistently navigated Tulane University's enormous grocery shuttle through narrow, bumpy New Orleans streets, perfectly parking the behemoth every time. The summer before law school I was George Stephanopoulos's favorite barista. The United States of America has awarded me THREE medals for my outstanding lawyering. But nothing will ever top my first triumph, which has now morphed into my latest failure. So I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to you, our dear readers. If I'd only fucked up more during my first job, I'd actually have something to write about today.