Condoms prevent minivans

I did not plan ahead for drunk-posting. If I had, I would have written something after the gallons of beer I consumed on Friday night. I did not, though, because I was too busy playing ping-pong and watching videos on YouTube. And so I was down to the wire. Yesterday, I was all:

Me: I have to get drunk and write a post for The Collective, want to come over?

and Joe was all:

Joe: YES.

So Joe stopped at Papa Murphy's to pick up a pizza and brought over some booze and THEN you guys OH MY GOD we cooked the pizza but after HALF A FREAKING HOUR IT WAS STILL DOUGHY IN THE MIDDLE. That is not right. In fact, it's downright disgusting. So Joe had to drive all the way back to Papa Murphy's with the doughy pizza haphazardly wrapped in plastic and exchange it for a new one.

Anyway, so we started drinking a little while ago in anticipation for Lost. Which is now on. And which we will now live-blog. Sort of. I mean, you won't get to read it live. So it's not really live-blogging. I guess we'll live-blog it on our time and if you can time travel like some of the island inhabitants then maybe you'll read it before the episode even airs. Or maybe before LOST is even invented! Wow. You're so lucky. Anyway.

Here be spoilers (not really, don't worry, I don't think anyway, I didn't really edit this):

9:03 PM -

Joe: Is a woodchuck and a beaver a same thing?
Me: Um. I think so?

And now, thanks to TiVo, we shall start the show . . .

Me: We already saw this part!
Joe: Calm down. They are back-tracking like it's their job.

Joe: Wait, who is that guy?
Me: He was on the rescue mission . . . from Charles Widmore . . . and he went to find the other Losties. And stuff.
Joe: OK.
Me: [whispering] should I write that down?

This show makes even less sense than it does when I'm sober and also Joe is getting dizzy. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY. The plane is totally crasing and there is a runway and what happened to Frank's beard? Was that corn? Oh my god, remember The X-Files? There was lots of corn on The X-Files after the movie came out. And then it was all "corn and bees" all the time.

OK, so the plane just crashed. And only some of them time-traveled off? Why didn't Sun time-travel? Or Ben? Why is Ben so super creepy everyone? 30 YEARS EARLIER WTF LOST? OH, right, because Sawyer is LaFleur. Sawyer is making googly eyes at Kate. Or Jack. I can't tell who. Aww, Hurley is hugging Sawyer and Joe was all, "Ooooh, I'm gonna man-hug you RIGHT NOW." I don't know what man-hugging is but it sounds violent and scary.

No man-hugs for Jack and Sawyer. This is boring, where is the smoke monster? I wish it would eat Jack sometimes. I know he's like the main character, blah blah blah, but he's the fdefinition of douchebitch. (Douchebitch: invented by Abigail circa 2008 CHICACO ILLINOISE).

Sawyer: It's 1977.
Hurley: Uh, what?
Joe: That means Star Wars isn't even out. Crazy.

I've decided I want to see Duplicity because Clive Own is wicked hot. He should be on a stamp. I also wich TiVo would FF through commercials in the future. This is BS.

This is insane. They're all 30 years ago but it's been 3 years for the Oceanic 6 and then I don't know how long for Saywer and everyone never mind let's keep watching. There is lots of serious talk going on that I don't really care about. It's weird how some people (Sawyer, Juliet) look totally hot in a jumpsuit but other people like, um, Miles look ridiculous. And like Balki always says, "Don't. Be. Ridicu-lus." Or something. Get off my back, Coosin Larry.

Juliet and Sawyer are about to have a fight but they don't know it. Or maybe they won't fight because Juliet is kind of a WASP. WASPs don't fight, they STING.

Random Guy on Lost: Get your hands off that!
Me: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

I had to pause Lost to type that and also to admire the shorts Joe made out of his Superman pajama pants. Yes, Joe, they are pretty. Pretty pretty princess.

And now, back to the studio! (That's from Bridget Jones)

Me: What's going on?
Joe: I will pause it.
Me: Don't, I don't care that much.

Then he tried to explain it to me but I wasn't listening because I was typing this instead.

Joe: Did you hear anything I just said? It was COMEDY GOLD!
Me: Something about a plane and models . . .

UNPAUSE. I thought the plane was a dinosaur. NO. It was a plane. Not a dinosaur. SPOLER.

You guys. Lost is really boring when you're drunk.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE one ofthe guys on the beach with SUn assaulted Natalie on Sports Night but Joe can't think of his name.

UNPAUSE. Oh, I see, they crashed by the polar bear cages Kate and Sawyer had sex in. Why isn't Ben all hurt yet. Also the guy from Sports Night? His name on the show was Christian Patrick but I don't think anyone cares except for Joe. Don't tell him, though, SHH.

Ben: Why are you following me?
Joe: Hello, Clarice.

Should chicks who just had a baby be hanging out in hammocks? Um, where is your baby, ma'am? Oh. There it is. OH MY GOD THE BABY IS ETHAN YOU GUYS.

Joe: No spoilers.

HE hasn't seen like 95% of this show. Shh, don't tell him who Ethan is, OK?

UNPAUSE!

PAUSE!

I just started shaking my beer bottle and Joe was all, "No, I don't want any," so I shook it some more, and he was all, "Um, no thanks," and I shook it some more and he was all, "Oh, did you want me to get you another one?" and I nodded because I can't use words out loud anymore.

UNPAUSE!

Joe: Damn you, Fleur DeLacour.
Me: What?
Joe: I don't know.

Joe: Hurley doesn't want to camp.
Me: He has a guitar case!
Joe: Yes?
Me: He had him . . . a GUIT-AR CASE.

Like Forrest Gump? Get it? My name is Jennie. Me and Forrest was like pease and carrots but that is gross so stay away from me, Forrest Gump.

UNPAUSE!

jOE: hOLD MY hAND! ahahahahahaha! I'm Joe and I'm laughing at Jennie because she can't use Capst lock!

KERMIT THE FROG! Statler and Waldorf salad!

Anyway. Now there is running.

Me: Maybe we should just sign off because this is getting pretty long that's what she said.
Joe: We only did half the episode.
Me: I don't think anyone will notice.
Joe: No?

OK, bye!

This post brought to you by Magic Hat and some other stuff:



PS by Joe:

Jennie: I don't know what I did with the cord to hook up to the. . . thing.
Joe: Is it on the floor?
Jennie: Yes.