Thursday, 17 September 2009

file under: hate-filled diatribes

Jennie My least favorite household chore is ALL OF THEM because they take me away from things I'd rather be doing, like watching TV or going to the movies or reading books or wasting time on the internets or reading books or eating pizza or READING BOOKS. I wish reading books was considered a chore because it would make me so responsible. Suddenly, I did NOT just "waste" all of a Saturday because I sat on the sofa in my pajamas finishing my book. SUDDENLY, I am the most responsible human being ever because I READ BOOKS ALL DAY.

This one time (at band camp), Heidi walked into the apartment. She had been out doing responsible errands or something and I was sitting exactly where I had been when she left. She was all, "aren't you going to do anything today?" and I was all, "um, I am, I'M READING," because reading is more fun than doing chores.

This is not to say that I won't do chores. I will do them and I will do them so good! This is not just because I most likely have a mild case of OCD but because my father and I used to get in screaming matches over cleaning because he's even more OCD than I am and now I know that THERE'S A RIGHT WAY TO DO EVERYTHING, DAMMIT! Anyway, yeah, so I can scrub a toilet with the best of them but that doesn't mean I want to.

By far, my least favorite thing to do is go to the grocery. I will put it off for as long as I can. I hate pretty much everything about it, except for the fact that it yields lots of yummy food stuff. I hate steering the cart around, I hate the parking lot, I hate the stupid Boy Scouts trying to sell me popcorn when I have a cart full of food ALREADY, I hate the checkout process, I hate carrying everything in from my car when I get home, but most of all, I hate the people. I know hate is a strong word, but have you ever been stuck behind someone in the small orders line who can't count to 15? I will count your items, ma'am, and if you have more than 15, I will tell! Did you hear me? I WILL TELL ON YOU.

Worse than that, though, is the self checkout line. I didn't realize how many idiots there were in the world until Kroger started putting self checkout machines in all of their stores. I think you should have to pass a test before you're allowed to use those machines. Once, Heidi and I watched a lady with a full-to-the-brim cart try and use the self checkout line. She quickly ran out of room on the bagging contraption because DUH the self checkout lines are for small orders, you a-hole! I hated her. You could tell she was embarrassed and I almost felt bad for her but she did it to herself. I'm sort of surprised that her face didn't melt off because everyone was sending her hatey glares with their eyes.

Let's see, who else do I hate at the grocery? Oh. Of course. YOUR CHILDREN. I'm sorry to those of you who have no choice but to bring your kids to the grocery. I know that must be painful. But that doesn't stop me from hating your children. Because they are IN MY WAY all of the time. And now? They have these giant carts that have those red Fisher Price cars stuck to the front so the kids can sit in there. I hate these for a couple of reasons. First of all, the carts are GINORMOUS and take up the entire aisle, so if you want to go down that particular aisle, you have to wait for the parent to NOT ONLY finish picking out what kind of fruit cups they want BUT ALSO they have to yell at their kids for twelve years to get back in the damn cart. Sometimes when the kids stick their little arms out of the cart-car, I want to stomp on them. Second of all, I'm just jealous that they didn't have those carts when I was a kid. No, I had to make due with riding in the front basket until I got too big and then you know what I had to do? WALK. Sometimes my mom would let me stand and hold onto the front of the cart but mostly? I had to WALK. And everyone knows walking is the hardest chore of all.

No comments: