Friday, 4 September 2009

Pardon my French, but you're an asshole!


Today's post is brought to you by Joe, of Joe's Apartment. He's here to tell you all about my asshole cat, Phoebe.

(Hi, come pet me!)

It’s been well-documented by Jennie that her cat, Phoebe, is an asshole, and while she can tell you all about it, I would like to share with you my experiences with Phoebe. She can be cute and affectionate sometimes and actually act like she likes you, but what she’s really doing is lulling you into a false sense of security. If you pet her in a way that is displeasing to her, she will bite you. If you stop petting her for whatever reason, she will bite you. She likes to curl up next to you as close as she can get, so that you can’t even move without disturbing her, and then when you try to move…you guessed it, she bites you. I’m sure there are other things that you can do to make her bite you (like, say, nothing), but those are the ones that come to mind.

The Cat Who Shall Not Be Named
(I will eat your soul.)

The biting, though, I understand. Nobody likes it when their personal space is invaded, and I’m sure that if I was a small animal and someone petted me in a way that I didn’t like, I would probably try to bite them, too, and not just pretend it didn’t happen and drink the communion wine like I was told. No, I forgive her for the biting. It’s the other things that she does that make her an asshole. And I don’t mean running down the stairs past you in an effort to kill you, though that is certainly an asshole move. No, these are things that, unfortunately, involve bodily functions.

(Pay attention to me or I'll poop on this poster!)

You see, Phoebe likes to make poops in her litter box and then not cover them up. At all. With anything. Not even a little bit of kitty litter. I suppose it’s thoughtful of her to go in the box and not on the floor or the bed, but still. It’s always oh so pleasant to walk into Jennie’s bedroom and to be greeted by the aroma of freshly-laid and uncovered twosies. Is it not in a cat’s very nature to cover their mess? Is this not an instinctual thing? A quick Google search (I searched “cats cover poop,” and it was very entertaining) reveals that, yes, it’s indeed in their nature to cover their poop. Phoebe, then, goes out of her way to leave her poop uncovered. If that’s not an asshole thing to do, then I don’t know what is.

(Merry Effing Christmas.)

Her other favorite thing to do is to puke on things that don’t belong to her (read: everything). Sometimes she’ll walk into the room, look at you for a minute, puke on the floor, and then leave so that you can deal with her handiwork. This is somewhat considerate of her, since, if you see it right away, you can clean it up before it gets to be an ungodly mess and you have to burn everything in the room. Other times, though, she does it when no one is around. Then she wraps it up and puts it under the Christmas tree for you to find when you least expect it. Okay, only the last part is true – she’s way too much of an asshole to wrap her Christmas presents. The discovery of the vomit is the most fun part of when she does this, and that really is akin to Christmas morning, if Christmas was the most disgusting thing ever. Sometimes she waits with it for you to come home and discover it – I remember Jennie telling me about a time that Phoebe puked on her roommate’s bed and then sat there right next to it until her roommate came into the room. Other times, though, she leaves the scene of the crime, and those are the times that are truly awful. Imagine sitting down, putting your hand on the seat next to you, only to find that you have inadvertently put your hand on dried cat vomit. And at first you don’t realize that you’ve done it, but you know that something feels just a little off. And then you think about what could be off about it and then you OH FUCK ME I just put my hand on dried cat vomit. Yes, that is a true story.

Phoebe, you are an ASSHOLE.

(Oh, clean clothes! I have lots of hair, let me show you it!)

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