I spend a lot of my time telling myself I can't do things. This ranges anywhere from "you can't watch Lost tonight, you don't have time," to "you can't write a book, YOU'RE AWFUL" but suck it brain, I WILL WATCH LOST AND I DID WRITE A BOOK. Ahem. I don't know why I tell myself I can't do things. I may pretend to be totally incompetent most of the time but I know I'm not. It's all a show! And yet, I still have those moments where I just don't believe in myself.
Also, I'm really good at coming up with excuses. Like, I will tell you right now that I just CANNOT make myself get out of bed in the morning before I absolutely have to, even though I know in my smart place that I would feel so much better if I worked out before getting ready for work. But I CANNOT do it. So I hit snooze a bunch and vow to work out after work but that's when my excuse-maker really kicks in. Reasons I've used for not running after work include but are not limited to: I'm tired, my legs hurt, it looks like it might rain, I'm too hungry, my tummy feels weird, it's too sunny and it hurts my eyes, my sports bras are dirty, I can't wear shorts because I haven't shaved my legs in eight weeks, there are goose turds all over the sidewalk, there's a coyote loose in the neighborhood, I need to make dinner and I won't have time to both run AND make dinner, that bottle of wine's not going to finish itself, etc.
These are all ridiculous excuses, I know, but they allow me to stay in the Can't Do It place, which is a bad place, to be sure. If I think I can't do something, I'll make up all sorts of excuses. Like last night, I knew I should do my pushups (part of the 100 Pushup Challenge) but I was all, "my arms are too tired because I Shredded and what if my arm muscles fall out of my arms?" because yeah, Jennie, that's something that happens. And I talk myself out of writing in the evenings ALL THE TIME because why write for just an hour? What good is that going to do? I should probably just watch Mad Men instead. And it's like I forgot that I wrote a novel in 30 days by simply writing during my lunch hour every day. I'm in denial about what works because it's just easier to tell myself I can't do something.
Part of the problem, I'm sure, is laziness, but mostly I think I doubt myself too much. "It would be fun to do blank" becomes "You can't do blank," and it doesn't matter if blank is run a marathon or Jake Gyllenhaal, all my brain is thinking is, "I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T."
Well, brain, it's time for you to STFU already. I am in a rut, I think, a whiny rut of self doubt and I'm pretty much fed up with it. I'm going to get on the I Think I Can train (yeah, I went there) and Yes, I Can myself out of this rut. Every time I want to do something and think, "I can't," well, I'm going to shame myself until I do it anyway. Even if that something is time travel to 1955 and sing Johnny B. Goode with Marty McFly.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a DeLorean. Or Figment.