Thursday, 5 June 2008
Time Travel: a play (or whatever) in two parts (or whatever)
SCENE: A young woman sits alone in her apartment, twirling her hair and reading a book. A large, green dinosaur covered in purple polka dots crashes though the wall. She glances at him and then goes back to her book.
Figment: Excuse me, Jennie?
Figment: Well, stop.
Jennie: Do you know me at all? Hey wait. Didn't you used to be purple with green spots?
Figment: Yes. I've been going through some changes.
Jennie: What kind of changes?
Figment: It's not important.
Jennie: But --
Figment: Seriously, stop. I've got good news.
Figment: Yeah. I've got the rocketship (duh) outside and I've made some improvements.
Jennie: What kinds of improvements?
Figment: I put in a home theater system . . .
Figment: And I installed a frozen margarita maker . . .
Jennie: Even better.
Figment: Oh, and also, I turned the rocketship into a time machine.
Jennie: Well, that's awfully convenient since this week's Collective topic is time travel.
Figment: Isn't it?
Jennie: How did you do it?
Figment: It's not important. What IS important is that you drop your book, put something other than pajamas on, and come time traveling with me.
Jennie: Why can't I time travel in my pajamas?
Figment: . . . I don't know. What if we meet Shakespeare? Do you want to meet Shakespeare wearing penguin pajama pants?
Jennie: Do you really think that's going to matter if a giant dinosaur is standing right next to me?
Jennie: Besides, I don't want to meet Shakespeare.
Figment: You don't?
Jennie: I'm skeptical that he really looked like Joseph Fiennes. And anyway, I have other ideas.
Figment: Such as?
Jennie: I'd like to find Young!Jennie and fill her in on a couple things.
Figment: You can't do that.
Jennie: Why not?
Figment: You can't go talk to yourself . . . you'll change your entire life.
Jennie: Your point?
Jennie: Fine. I suppose going to the future and bringing Heather Anne a hoverboard is out of the question?
Jennie: And going to the past and bringing Fitzgerald to the future for Kat isn't going to happen?
Figment: You got it.
Jennie: Can we at least go to Zach Braff's house circa, I don't know, last year, so I can program Abigail's number into his phone?
Figment: Stop sulking.
Jennie: I will on one condition.
Figment: What's that?
Jennie: Can we go see the dinosaurs?
Figment: I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Jennie: Why not?
Figment: The time machine doesn't offer a lot of protection from, I don't know, a giant carnivore hell bent on devouring us.
Jennie: You mean you didn't install a clear titanium bubble around the rocketship?
Figment: . . . no?
Jennie: What kind half-assed time machine is this?
Figment: Watch it.
Jennie: OK, but what if we just pop to the Jurassic era or whatever for a couple minutes? The dinosaurs won't even know we're there.
Figment: I don't know . . .
Jennie: Please? I just want to see a baby brontosaurus and then we can come back.
Figment: Well . . . OK.
Jennie: Yay! Also, I'm going to try to ride a pterodactyl, OK?
Figment: No. No, that is NOT OK.
Jennie: Fine. Can we go?
Figment: Are you going to change?
Jennie and Figment head outside and climb inside the rocketship/time machine (duh). The rocketship shoots into the air and then disappears. Not two minutes later, the rocketship comes crashing back down to the ground, with what looks suspiciously like a T-Rex bite taken out of the side. Jennie and Figment run out of the rocketship, fall down, and lie panting on the ground.
Figment: That? Was a bad idea.
Jennie: I know.
Figment: Seriously, seriously bad.
Jennie: I KNOW.
Figment: What were you thinking?
Jennie: How was I supposed to know we'd land RIGHT NEXT to a T-Rex?
Figment: Perhaps you should have taken it into consideration.
Jennie: Perhaps YOU should have covered the rocketship with a clear titanium bubble.
Figment: OK, OK, I'll install one.
Jennie: Good. Because next time I AM riding a pterodactyl.
Figment: Next time?