Thursday, 5 June 2008

Time Travel: a play (or whatever) in two parts (or whatever)


SCENE: A young woman sits alone in her apartment, twirling her hair and reading a book. A large, green dinosaur covered in purple polka dots crashes though the wall. She glances at him and then goes back to her book.

Figment: Excuse me, Jennie?

Jennie: Shh.

Figment: Jennie!

Jennie: Reading.

Figment: Well, stop.

Jennie: Do you know me at all? Hey wait. Didn't you used to be purple with green spots?

Figment: Yes. I've been going through some changes.

Jennie: What kind of changes?

Figment: It's not important.

Jennie: But --

Figment: Seriously, stop. I've got good news.

Jennie: Oh?

Figment: Yeah. I've got the rocketship (duh) outside and I've made some improvements.

Jennie: What kinds of improvements?

Figment: I put in a home theater system . . .

Jennie: Nice.

Figment: And I installed a frozen margarita maker . . .

Jennie: Even better.

Figment: Oh, and also, I turned the rocketship into a time machine.

Jennie: Well, that's awfully convenient since this week's Collective topic is time travel.

Figment: Isn't it?

Jennie: How did you do it?

Figment: It's not important. What IS important is that you drop your book, put something other than pajamas on, and come time traveling with me.

Jennie: Why can't I time travel in my pajamas?

Figment: . . . I don't know. What if we meet Shakespeare? Do you want to meet Shakespeare wearing penguin pajama pants?

Jennie: Do you really think that's going to matter if a giant dinosaur is standing right next to me?

Figment: Touche.

Jennie: Besides, I don't want to meet Shakespeare.

Figment: You don't?

Jennie: I'm skeptical that he really looked like Joseph Fiennes. And anyway, I have other ideas.

Figment: Such as?

Jennie: I'd like to find Young!Jennie and fill her in on a couple things.

Figment: You can't do that.

Jennie: Why not?

Figment: You can't go talk to yourself . . . you'll change your entire life.

Jennie: Your point?

Figment: NO.

Jennie: Fine. I suppose going to the future and bringing Heather Anne a hoverboard is out of the question?

Figment: Yes.

Jennie: And going to the past and bringing Fitzgerald to the future for Kat isn't going to happen?

Figment: You got it.

Jennie: Can we at least go to Zach Braff's house circa, I don't know, last year, so I can program Abigail's number into his phone?

Figment: NO.

Jennie: FINE.

Figment: Stop sulking.

Jennie: I will on one condition.

Figment: What's that?

Jennie: Can we go see the dinosaurs?

Figment: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Jennie: Why not?

Figment: The time machine doesn't offer a lot of protection from, I don't know, a giant carnivore hell bent on devouring us.

Jennie: You mean you didn't install a clear titanium bubble around the rocketship?

Figment: . . . no?

Jennie: What kind half-assed time machine is this?

Figment: Watch it.

Jennie: OK, but what if we just pop to the Jurassic era or whatever for a couple minutes? The dinosaurs won't even know we're there.

Figment: I don't know . . .

Jennie: Please? I just want to see a baby brontosaurus and then we can come back.

Figment: Well . . . OK.

Jennie: Yay! Also, I'm going to try to ride a pterodactyl, OK?

Figment: No. No, that is NOT OK.

Jennie: Fine. Can we go?

Figment: Are you going to change?

Jennie: No.

Jennie and Figment head outside and climb inside the rocketship/time machine (duh). The rocketship shoots into the air and then disappears. Not two minutes later, the rocketship comes crashing back down to the ground, with what looks suspiciously like a T-Rex bite taken out of the side. Jennie and Figment run out of the rocketship, fall down, and lie panting on the ground.

Figment: That? Was a bad idea.

Jennie: I know.

Figment: Seriously, seriously bad.

Jennie: I KNOW.

Figment: What were you thinking?

Jennie: How was I supposed to know we'd land RIGHT NEXT to a T-Rex?

Figment: Perhaps you should have taken it into consideration.

Jennie: Perhaps YOU should have covered the rocketship with a clear titanium bubble.

Figment: OK, OK, I'll install one.

Jennie: Good. Because next time I AM riding a pterodactyl.

Figment: Next time?

time traveling Figment


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