When it came time to choose interviewees this week, I was all, "I choose Ashley!" and I'm not going to lie to you. It was mostly so I could ask inane questions about The Office and The X-Files and have someone answer them with the respect they deserve. And I was not disappointed. Except for when she didn't know what SNL sketch I was referring to, but I've never seen Battlestar Gallactica, so I think we can call it even.
1. Who is your favorite character from The Office?
That would be Dwight K. Schrute, ultimate brown-noser, and owner (the co-owner! With Satan!) of the Hotel Hell. Check in time now, check out time never. And the sheets are made of fire!
2. Why?
You know, that's a really good question because I think that it says more about me than anything else. I mean, what is a favorite but something that touches you in ways that are personal and kind of random, and that no one else can really ever understand? Dwight lives in a world of his own creation, kind of like a kid that never stopped playing pretend. But at the same time, he's a functioning adult, and that fascinates me. He's also unabashedly nerdy, and I think I have kind of a thing for that. His dream vacation is going to Mordor and climbing up Mt. Doom, his favorite television program is Battlestar Galactica ("Starbuck is the perfect woman"--yes, Dwight, she is), and he believes that vampires are real. He is extremely loyal to the people he loves (Micheal, Angela), and he has some of the best one-liners I've ever heard. What's not to love? I think -- and I'm almost afraid to type this because Dwight is kind of crazy -- that Dwight and I are soul mates, or maybe kindred spirits would be the better term. I'm not a suck-up or anything, but I can appreciate when someone has enough confidence in the things that they love to just not give a shit what other people think. It never even crosses his mind that his life and his choices aren't the best ones possible. That's what being a nerd is.
3. Is it Jim? If it's not Jim, why not? Jim is hot, you know. And tall. Tall and hot and dreamy.
Let's just say if Jim Halpert were a real person, I'd either be with him or stalking him right now. I did name my car after him, after all. But if I'm being honest here, I think he's too normal for me (but very, very pretty). Whoever the poor schmuck is that I end up with, he's gonna be a weirdo, I can tell you that right now.
4. Moving on. David Duchovny is also tall and hot and dreamy. Discuss.
OH GOD. I spent the entirety of my adolescence fantasizing about Fox Mulder. Talk about your nerds. This guy is the ultimate nerd; he's hard core. And holy bean burrito, is he beautiful. The things that mouth did to those sunflower seeds, and he was funny. So funny! I think I've never really stopped being in love with him, actually.
5. On a scale of one to ten, one being "whatev" and ten being "HOLY SHIT", how excited are you for The X-Files movie?
That would be HOLY SHIT plus 1000. I'm a rather excitable person, but having The X-Files come back to life is like having a piece of my childhood revived. I'm a big fan of things that are awesome not ending -- whenever I get really involved in literature, i.e. The Lord of the Rings, Buffy, Harry Potter, most of the time the horrible tears that I cry aren't for the story, but because the story is ending. I hate when things end. So basically this is like some kind of summer miracle, and I'm getting to see people that I'd never thought I'd see again. It's a pretty awesome feeling.
6. Remember the last movie? How Mulder and Scully totally almost made out and then that fucking bee got in the way? Dude, how pissed were you?
I totally remember the last movie, and I totally remember how fucking pissed I was. The funny thing is, I wasn't a fan of The X-Files until I saw the movie. One of my friends dragged all of us to go see it for her thirteenth birthday, and I was actually really mad because I hate scary movies and aliens and I had no interest whatsoever in watching a movie about them. Imagine my surprise when I fell in love, and became super X-Phile nerd, surpassing the friend that dragged me there in the first place. I believe that is called irony. Actually, my hatred for that bee scene didn't really make me truly angry until I bought the film on VHS. By then I'd had a chance to catch up a little, and my reaction went something like this: "!(*!@(*&!)(!&*!$)(*$!)*&^@#%)(*#@&)(#*&(#*%&" ::takes a break to throw things at the TV:: ")@(@%)(*%)(#*$%)(!(@#^$*&#@@%@$!$!$!%)" By the way, I would just like to confess to the internets how much it frightens me that 1998 was ten years ago.
7. I don't think it would be overreacting to eradicate all bees from the planet, do you?
Not at all. Actually, I'm really terrified of bees, even before I saw the movie with the virus-carrying ones that like to interrupt people who are about to suck face. I don't know about anywhere else, but Arizona summers during my childhood were full of them. Every time my sister and I would go swimming, some stupid a-hole bee would start dive bombing us, and I would have to hide under the water until it went away or get out and run screaming to the door. And then there was that killer-bee scare in like 1991, where all the bees were supposedly migrating to the U.S. from Mexico in swarms, and were going to kill us all. I'm pretty sure seeing that on the news is what lead me to have the same terrifying nightmare over and over, where a bee the size of my mother would chase my dog around trying to kill him, and then end his a-hole killing spree by slamming his stinger through the wall right over my bed as I was sleeping. As a consequence of this dream, I slept with my pillow halfway down my bed and as far away from the wall as I could get it for about six months. Also, did you ever look at a bee up close? Their butts pulse! But wait -- if we got rid of all the bees, there wouldn't be any honey or any flowers? I really like those things. Maybe we could train the flies to do it; put them to some good use for once.
8. If you could make everyone in the whole entire world read one book, what book would it be?
This is an evil question, so I'm taking the easy way out: Harry Potter. It makes me so unbelievably frustrated when I meet someone who won't read them, or even worse, someone who has and doesn't like it. So, as a present to those with open minds, and as punishment for those without, Harry Potter it is.
9. What if I don't want to read that book?
Then I would lock you in a room with a rabid squirrel, and I would laugh at you.
10. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
YES. That quote is one of the many reasons that I love The Office.
11. Um, right. My question is, why should everyone be watching Battlestar Galactica?
Um, because it's fucking awesome? If any of you have been reading my blog for the past year, you know that it is practically my life's goal to get everyone I meet to watch this show. Would you like me to list the reasons? It's smart, beautifully shot, has lots of beautiful people (seriously, guys, BEAUTIFUL), robot sex, normal sex, Mary Fucking McDonnell, awesome space battles, intriguing and flawed characters, mystery, drama, suspense, religion, mysticism, humor, politics, and a gorgeous score written by the highly underrated Bear McCreary. Actually, think about something you love, and Battlestar Galactica probably has it. A lot of people don't even give it a chance because it's Sci-Fi, but don't be fooled. It's just pretending to be Sci-Fi. Actually, it's the best political-drama-action-romance-suspense-terror thing you'll ever see, that just happens to be set in space. I'm doing a horrible job of promoting this, so I guess I'm just gonna have to end with a plea: PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW.
12. I've never seen it. Can we still be friends?
I'll have to think about it.
13. Do you ever wonder if all the people on the internet are imaginary?
Well, no. But it's a funny thought. I have, however, wondered where the internet is. I mean, where do they keep it? Did you guys see that episode of South Park? Where the internet breaks and they have to go find it? I love that episode. "Over Logging," I think it's called.
14. Don't worry. They're not. Not all of them anyway. This isn't a question. Sorry.
I'm glad we are friends. (I guess I just answered #12.)
15. Remember when Chris Farley used to interview celebrities on SNL?
Don't hurt me, but I don't really watch SNL, and I've only seen one movie with Chris Farley in it. The only skits I remember seeing are the ones where he's the Chippendales guy with Patrick Swayze and where he's really angry in somebody's house and I think there's a van involved by a river, but I'm not sure.
16. Does this interview remind you of that?
Hold on a minute while I go YouTube this . . . okay, I'm back. I couldn't find it, but I'm assuming my answer is supposed to be "yes." Can someone help me out here? I think it's important for me to see these interviews.
17. How long did it take you to read the final Harry Potter book?
Are you ready? This is epic. I read the first chapter that night, I'm not sure how I went to sleep afterwards, but since I'd worked the Barnes & Noble midnight release party that night, I didn't get home until three. That's actually probably how I got to sleep -- sidenote, worst night of my life. Then I woke up at nine, took a shower, blogged about how I didn't want to start it because then it would be over, and then I probably started around ten. I read straight through until like five or so, at which point I vividly remember I was at the part where Harry and co. learn about the tale of the Deathly Hallows. I remember this because I was making chili in a pot and sitting on my kitchen floor. Then I had to leave! I'd promised my friend Breanne and her fiance that I would go see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with them, thinking I'd be done with the book by then, so I packed up my copy of Deathly Hallows and put it in my purse and took it to the movie with me. All through the movie, I kept putting my hand in my purse to make sure it was still there. I don't know what I was thinking, that it was going to get up and walk away? Whatever, it was probably for the same reason that I felt the need to bring the book with me in the first place. I sped home after the movie and read straight through (with the exception of a freak out to my roommate right in the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts) until I finished, in tears, at approximately 10:45 PM. Then I woke up the next day and read it again.
18. I had to put the book down at the end because I was crying so hard I couldn't see the words. How many tissues did you go through while reading that book?
I have this thing where I don't use tissues because I'm all manly. Uh, wait. Actually, I just wiped 'em off with my hand, because I'm a lady. Whatevah. The point is, I cried A LOT. I started crying about one hundred pages from the end and didn't really stop until like an hour after I finished the book, and no one was awake to comfort me. Most of it was incoherent sobbing and rambling, which would rise and ebb with whatever was going on in the story at the time. I think those of you who've read it know what parts I'm talking about. Is it sick that this is making me want to read it again?
19. Heather Anne thinks bears are scary and will eat your face. I think they're are cute and cuddly and I would like one for a pet. Thoughts?
Hmm, I think if I ever actually saw a bear I'd run away, so I'm gonna agree more with Heather Anne on this one. (Jennie, you should read John Irving if you haven't already, because he has a serious things for bears, too.) On the other hand, I think bears are hilarious. Most of this probably has to do with the one hundred times I watched The Great Outdoors with my father while growing up. You guys should watch that movie.
20. Have you ever posted anything to The Internets that you've regretted?
Yes. The whole first year of my blog, where I was lame and an idiot? I regret that very much. Also, this one time on my birthday where I wrote about an incident in my past that stirred up some hurt feelings and caused a lot of drama, culminating in a really nasty comment left on my Facebook wall for everyone to see. Moral of the story, that I learned the hard way? Don't forget that anybody could be reading your blog at any time, no matter if you haven't spoken to them in years, and that even the truth can sometimes really hurt people's feelings.
21. You live in a magical place where it never snows (it doesn't snow there, right?) . . . what's that like?
For the most part, no, it doesn't snow here. We have lots of mountains where it snows, but snow in Tucson, and in Scottsdale where I grew up, is practically unheard of. In fact, it's very deserty and hot here, since it's a desert. Sometimes when I get in my car in the afternoon, my face melts off and falls onto my lap. It is currently 109 degrees, to be exact, and it's not even noon. Except sometimes we have these weird weather things where it does actually snow a little bit, and people here go APESHIT. Like, what is this white stuff falling from the sky? Two years ago, we had this extreme cold front and it snowed for about five hours here in Tucson. It was basically chaos. Everybody in my apartment came outside to play, and a ton of us idiots put on our swimsuits and got in the hot tub, and then my roommates and I drank hot chocolate with the door open while watching Love Actually. The next day was chaos, too, because all our cars were iced over, and we were very confused about how to take care of that. It was like community bonding, the Tucson Blizzard of '07. Good times. Look, I have pictures!
22. What is one question you'd like everyone to answer in the comments? Go ahead. Don't be shy. Make the internet your bitch.
"Make the internet your bitch" just gave me a very interesting visual. Hmmm, this is hard (that's what she said). How about, since this entire interview is full of the nerdiness, what is something that you are unabashedly nerdy about? It could be tacos or Joss Whedon or even a country (Heather Anne, I'm looking at you . . . ) Also, I love all of you. Thanks for the interview, Jennie and The Collective. You guys are like, my heroes. THE END.
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