What is that mysterious ticking noise?

1) What is your favorite thing you've ever written?

All the books say that when you are writing fiction, your characters will take over the dialogue, and if you deprive them the ability to say what they want to say by failing to properly transcribe it, the bottom falls out of your story and you lose all sense of authenticity. I was pretty sure that was horseshit until this one time when I was writing a story and the characters really did start talking to one another. One of the characters, she said this really, really dirty thing, and I could hardly bring myself to type it. But I did. And it turned out to be my favorite sentence I've ever written. It's simultaneously hilarious and lascivious and despicable and exactly the kind of thing you hope would spring to your very own lips if you found yourself in such a situation.

2) Why do you girls all read literary books, most of which were assigned reading at one point in time or another?

You know how, in high school and college, athletes gets razzed because they never do assigned reading, but professors pass them because they're athletes? Team Captain: Heather! Anne! I didn't even crack open a book until I was 24. I had a lot of catching up to do. (I still have a lot of catching up to do.)

3) If you could be 20 again and money and family obligations were not a concern, what are five things you would want to do? If you were 60 and money and family, blah, blah, blah, what are 5 things you would want to do? What accounts for the difference between the two?

You know, I think that being 20 with no money and more familial obligations than a Levitical priest made it so that when I was 30, I would stick it to the Man, take my backpack to Europe, and cut everything out of my life that wasn't sustenance for my soul. So, probably I wouldn't be 20 again. But I hope when I'm sixty I'm still the same as 30, with more wisdom and escrow.

4) In Marie Claire magazine there is a section called "what I love about me" where women share their most favorite attribute (physical and otherwise). What's yours?

Physically, I am very proud of how tall I am. Otherwise, I like that I can laugh at myself. And how I am stupidly empathetic.

5) And my question for the oracle of the Collective is: What is the meaning of life? (Caitlin)

When Jesus decided to tell people his mission on earth, he quoted from the prophet Isaiah. What he said was that he was going to bind up the brokenhearted, and be good to poor people, and release people from oppression (physical and otherwise). I don't know about the meaning of other people's lives, but mine is to do that: to bind up brokenhearted people. And to read Harry Potter over and over and over.

6) Heather Anne: Did you get another job? Are you once again under The Man's thumb or are you still free and writing like the wind and junk? And if the latter, what are you writing and does it involve amorous vampires or bawdy wenches (God, tell me you're not writing romance novels).

I will never be under the Man's thumb again. I am writing and junk, like the wind. And also I am whoring my skills out to small companies who need help not getting gobbled up by the IRS.

7) In addition to you all being great entertaining writers, don't you all take pictures? Please show us at least one photo you've taken that would qualify as a favorite, and tell us when you took it and why you love it.



April 2008, Jardin des Tuileries in Paris. It was the last picture I took in Europe this year, because my camera battery went dead right after and I couldn't find my charger — even though I was living out of my backpack.

8) Not to bring up politics again or anything but what would you do with your first 100 days in office?

Sadly, I can't answer this question because I don't understand the true scope of what it means to be the executive of the United States of America. I'm not qualified to be president. And the fact that I know that is what sets me apart from Sarah Palin.

9) What song best sums up the history of your love life?

Rocky Top!

10) Who is the best-developed character in the history of literature?

Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

11) What is one thing you love about each of your fellow Collective-ers?

I love about Kat that she's a brilliant badass with a soft gooey center. I would absolutely pick Kat first for my team in anything.

I love about Jennie that she is equally hilarious in person and writing, and that she makes loyalty look so easy, and that sometimes she drunk-texts but never regrets it. I also love that she is involved in an ongoing covert war against Rush Limbaugh.

I love about Abigail that she sends me quotes like this:

Plus meanwhile I'm so sure Vanessa can't take care of herself, being an accomplished felon hailing from the rough streets of Hudson River Trailer Park via some maple-syrup harvesting commune in Lesbian, Vermont, pop. most of Vermont, and besides, I'm so sure she would even make it down that many flights of stairs. She'd give up halfway and be like, "I should just call these stairs and tell them how I feel."

And only Abigail and Jacob and I in the universe know it for how perfect those words are. Plus, she can (and will) argue the finer points of Biblical interpretation or the merits of The Hills with equal passion.

12) What is one thing a person can do to make you judge him/her severely?

He could repeatedly set his Facebook status to something politically ignorant when he doesn't know crap about politics, and I should know as knowing him unto even biblical proportions was once a favorite pastime.

13) What was your horoscope yesterday? Was it accurate?

"You're a risk-taker by nature and while you might not fight oil well fires or run with the bulls, you do take chances that others would shy away from. Today brings the chance to do just that!"

I think that means my investments are still on fire, so yeah, pretty accurate.

14) Answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. You can have one wish, what is it?

I wish I had a strawberry-banana smoothie and thicker skin so the world couldn't beat me up so easily.