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So apparently this week marked the anniversary of the moon landing. BFD! That's right, I said BFD! That happened, what, like 80 years ago? That's right, I said 80 years ago! I mean, I could walk on the moon if I really wanted. I'm totally Facebook friends with someone who works at NASA. And not like a janitor, either, A REAL LIFE ROCKET SCIENTIST. I'm sure he'd let me sneak a rocket to the moon for a couple hours. If he won't, so what? I live down the street from WPAFB and everyone knows they're keeping aliens in Hangar 18 WHICH MEANS they probably have a spaceship lying around somewhere and I'll just make friends with the aliens and promise to break them out if they drop me off at the moon on their way home.

Alright, I will admit that landing on the moon and crap was all awesome at the time, but aren't we ready for more exciting space exploration? I grew up watching Star Wars and E.T. and when Contact came out, I thought maybe I should use Ellie Arroway's life as my career path on the off chance that I might one day be chosen to go on a crazy, floaty journey and hang out with my dad on a shiny beach. Then I realized that would be a lot of work for POSSIBLY no raisin. My point is, I EXPECT MORE FROM YOU, NASA.

From now on, I only want to hear about the following space-related things in the news:

• Aliens landing (also: whether or not they're friendly or here to blow up my shit)
• Invention of spaceship I can afford and fly without crashing and dying
• Millennium Falcon found on another planet
• Serenity found on another planet
• E.T. found on another planet or in some kid's backyard
• The answer to life, the universe, and everything
• Darth Vader attacks some Ewoks or something
• Bending robots bend some stuff or something
• Someone walks on Mars
• It's finally time for LIVING ON THE MOON
  

WHY AREN'T WE LIVING ON THE MOON YET? I was promised a lot of future things when I was in elementary school, things like jet packs and Jetsons houses and flying cars, but the thing I was looking forward to MOST was living on the moon and frolicking about the moon craters with my alien friend Norman. That's right, NORMAN THE ALIEN.

They've been talking about the moon landing every morning on NPR, and the other day they were all, "the moon is totally awesome because we can mine the shit out of it and solve all of our energy problems." Those were the exact words, I'm pretty sure. That's just so...practical. And so human. Hey, everyone! Let's rape the moon! It will be crazy awesome, who brought the roofies?

I mean, if we're going to the moon for practical purposes, fine...dig for minerals all you want. But can we also build an amusement park there? Please? I have just one thing to say to you: anti-gravity roller coasters.